These are a few of my favorite things

After finishing yet another pile of grading I treated myself to a fresh molasses cookie. It had been years since I had had one but I knew I just had to this year. And now that I did... I think this will be a new annual cookie. I love the chewy texture and the warmth of the ginger and sweetness of the molasses. But more than anything it takes me back to fond memories of my childhood. As I have mentioned before I do not have many memories of my childhood but I seem to have a number of ones surrounding Christmas. So since I am sitting here thinking through so many of them I thought I should write them down.

1. Making cookies with my mom. She taught me that eating cookie dough was awesome. (now we know that is a no no... but I still eat a little).

2. Grandpa's Molasses cookies. Always a favorite and takes me back to my childhood with one bite.

3. Watching A Christmas Story with my family. I still watch this movie MANY times from Nov. to January. I simply can't turn it off.

4. Driving around a looking at Christmas lights. I still remember being about 5 or 6 and my parents driving us all over the place looking at the lights and then coming home to see Santa had arrived. Still not sure how they worked that one.

5. Favorite Christmas gifts.... Cricket Doll (she talked and had tons of outfits. Now I think she was kinda creepy). ALF stuffed animal (my grandfather and I would watch that show all the time and he got me the stuffed ALF. I would give anything to have that again.). My first Li Bien Ornament (these are super cool glass ornaments that are painted from the inside with tiny brushes. My Grandma Campbell got me my first one and now I get one for my Mother in Law and SIL every year.). My Audrey Hepburn collection. (My hubby has found 13 of my favorite person's movies. LOVE Audrey so much, and I love Derek for always finding me new ones).

I am sure there are a few more but these are a good start. I love this time of year and it always makes me grateful. I take time to sit in the quiet of the night look at my Christmas tree and just enjoy the peace and stillness. I have soo much to be grateful for and I know I have lots more ahead of me. But for tonight... nothing else matters. Just my family, my memories, and the love I have been blessed with.

Through the looking glass and back!

WOW where has the time gone. This semester and PhD journey has been passing by so quickly I hardly remember to eat let along document the experience.

But as this semester rushes to a finish I have to step back and think. WOW. We have all come so far. I know I look back at who I was when I began this program and never in a million years did I think I would evolve the way I have. Not only my writing, but the way I think about things. This has been such an experience. But the ride is not over.

Many job applications are in. I was able to meet with a few people at NCA. And now we wait! I hate waiting. To much time for my head to ruminate. To many doors are open inviting self doubt to creep in. My peers see a confident version of me and I just can't see it. I feel as if my looking glass shows me one version and something else to everyone around me. Don't get me wrong I am proud of the work I have done and I am able to see I have done a lot! I would be a fool not to see that I have come a long way. But I just can't see what everyone else seems to see. But this seems to be the case my whole life.

For now I work on the dissertation that I do LOVE. She is a jaberwocky beast, but right now I have made friends with her.

Time flies when you are finding your way.

I have always used the metaphor of my life being a labyrinth. There is a goal, a castle, that I am fighting to find my way towards. Characters that come in and out of the story. Some intending to help, while others are simply there to distract and lead us back to the beginning. We each have choices to make, doors to pick from, and sometimes we pick correctly and think to ourselves man this is a piece of cake. But then... we look at the clock and see that we have less time then planned and still have miles to go.

I love this metaphor and find it fitting for the experience of working towards this PhD. I am now in the final year of this program and I see the castle in front of me. It is bigger then I thought it would be but I cannot quite make out the name or land for which it exists. In other words I am now applying for jobs but I have no clue where I end up or what state I will be living in. For me this is the scariest part of the journey. Prior to this I had my cohort for companionship, but many of them are lost in their own worlds slaying dragons (advisers or proposals) and trying to find their own path. For none of us will share the same trail. It would be great if we did, however we each have a unique goal to achieve. And each of us will get there at our own time.

This final stretch of the maze is also terrifying because before we enter the gates of the castle we have to find all of the doors. I have found many but I have not yet found anyone to offer me a key to see if I fit in the door. I hope to have at least one key but what if I receive a keyring full of them. In the end you must only pick one door to walk through. One job to take. However if I do take the wrong job it is not like I will be eaten by some three headed animal, but I might fall into a dark pit of despair.

Yet still we walk the path. I write chapters and try to keep an eye out for more doors and opportunities. From time to time I am able to meet up with my companions for a brief stretch. Luckily I am not alone. I do have my partner and support. My husband has been so great. Sometimes he acts like a fool but in the end in the times when I cannot walk another step he rests with me or carries me until it is safe to rest.

It has been a long journey and I know that in the end this will not be the last castle I seek. I feel I have many more labyrinths to concur. However once I defeat this one.... I feel I will have a bit more confidence. That is if the jabberwocky does not destroy me first.

People Change... God knows I did!

A few years ago I posted blogs about being excited and scared. I remember the days when I didn't think I was smart enough to do any of this. I was not smart enough to get a PhD. I was not talented enough to direct youth programs. And I had no idea I would be trusted to do the work I do with my HIV clients. But here I am... Kristi was right. My life would change.

Let me explain.

Once upon a time a scared girl found out she was going to go to grad school. The previous year she had thought she knew what track she would be taking. But all this changed when she took a persuasion class. Another class challenged her to think about what it was that she looked for in a career and in life. Upon further exploration it became clear, she LOVED to teach and to learn. Clearly her path was only beginning.

When I found out I got in to my MA program I remember asking two of my mentors, "do you really think I am smart enough to do this?" I was not fishing, I was truly worried I was not going to be. One of them told me it was not about being smart enough, that was never a question, the true test was the determination and motivation. She told me that I had more of both in my pinky toe then most people she had taught. Another mentor told me a similar tale but what I remember the most of her conversation was that she warned me I would change. I would not be the same girl who would leave that school.

Five years, an MA, and 3 years of a PhD later... man was she right. I am not the same girl. Heck, I'm not sure I am the same girl I was a year ago. I sit here tonight with a clear head, confident that I am on the right track. Am I stressed... HA you know the answer to that. Do I hate grad school sometimes...um...I think you know the answer to that as well. But do I still worry I'm not smart enough... Not any more. I found my confidence. Well... I found it in my field.

When it comes to Health Communication, HIV, or STD prevention stuff. I am your girl. I am methodologically promiscuous (or as a few friends call me a methods hooker!) I LOVE mixing methods but I am truly a qualitative jr. scholar. I still have a lot to learn, and I am not sure I will ever really feel like I have learned enough. But I am beginning to think that maybe that is whole drive for life. If I ever thought I knew it all... I would get board. This way... something is always keeping me on my toes.

I am sure this all sounds cheesy and maybe it is. But this is a very rare feeling for me. And I hope that maybe if anyone else is reading this that it might help them have hope that things can change. My dad always told me I could do anything I wanted as long as I followed what I was passionate about. I didn't always know what really drove me but I was smart enough to see glimmers of it in classes I took or jobs I had. We all have things we truly love to do, the question is simply are you willing to go for them. It has been a LONG and HARD road. I am not even done but I have changed. I am still a bit scared about this up coming year and what it will hold but... I have faith and a new found confidence.

I like the changes so far... and right now... I am looking forward to the next ones.

And it all becomes too real.

As I have mentioned in past posts I LOVE what I research. SO much so that in my free time (used loosely) I volunteer at an HIV clinic. As part of this work I test for HIV, counsel HIV clients including giving both negative and positive results. Negative results are often fun filled with smiles and sometimes hugs. Yet positives are tough. This weekend especially was really tough. Every year I volunteer at a PRIDE festival where we test hundreds of people. This year... almost 500 in three days. In the process 6 positive cases were identified. Thus, thanks to a background in communication and being the clinic's state contact for new infections, I had the task of telling each of these people that they might have HIV. Some where not surprised, others were shocked, and one.... fell into my arms in tears.

While many of my clients stories are imprinted into my head, and heart, this is one that I am sure I will never forget. A few years older then me and scared to death. Terrified that he would die before repairing a 16 year feud with his parents. Scared he would have no one to turn to, and confused as to how a man who has only had two partners could contract HIV. It breaks my heart. He was convinced that I had given him a death sentence. Which is not at all the case. Would his life be forever changed, yes. But with today's treatments he will happily live for a very long time.

Needless to say I do love what I do and I am so grateful that I am in a place where I can help people, but man it just sucks the life out of you. I am so happy the clinic is closed the next two days. I need a week off, that is for sure. But my work with these clients is not done. Next will be check in phone calls to see how they are holding up and to remind them that they have support. Then meetings next week when we get the confirmatory tests back and we know for sure it's HIV and how far we are. Then a week later we have contact again to make sure the first doctors appointment were made. All of these for the 7 newest clients (one occurred before the festival even started.)

This career is one that I am grateful for. One that, while it breaks my heart sometimes, gives me so much joy to know that I am able to see the work I do make a small difference. Most of the people I met this past weekend, I know I might never see again. But the few people that took a moment to tell me that they appreciated knowing I cared enough to answer a bunch of questions really means a lot to me. OH and to end on a happier note. Check this out. On Sat. we were closing up for the night and a handful of high school kids come up to ask if they could make a donation. I say OF COURSE and run to the back of the tent to get the box. They continue to tell me they did a bake sale for the clinic and raised $90.00. I was SOOOO excited. These moments make all the hard ones... melt a little.

Today might have been a bit hard, but I will be forever grateful that I get to touch so many lives. I am very blessed.

I don't think I ask for much

REALLY!!!! I ask for one TINY favor and I get crapped on. REALLY!!!! I do things for you all the time. REALLYYY!!!!!! UGH! I dislike people sometimes ESPECIALLY PHONEY people. GRRRR... ok... I am better. I just needed to get that out!

To those of you that have been there for me I love you and thank you for that.

Time to go practice my Italian I think.

Ciao!

Curiouser and curiouser!

Ever since I was a little girl I have loved the story Alice in Wonderland. I have read and seen just about every version created and I have to admit I LOVED the newest movie. I think I liked it so much not only because it takes me away to a fanciful place with interesting characters but because in the end Alice learns who she is and finds the strength to stand on her own. To fight her inner Jabberwocky.

And as I watched the newest installment of the story I knew that the remainder of my PhD career would be much like an adventure in wonderland, culminating in the final battle between me and my dissertation. So here I am. Looking at the calender knowing that in less then a year.... the battle will be over. I KNOW I will defeat the beast that stares back at me. I have the vorpal sword, that being a topic I love. But it is heavy and sometimes unwieldy. I have an adviser that sometimes seems very much like the Queen of hearts, and is happy to say off with my head. I have companions that are sometimes as crazed by stress as the mad hatter, as indecisive as Tweedledum and Tweedledee, and as mischievous and elusive as the cheshire cat. Yet I am not sure what I would do without them.

But as much fun as it would be to continue this metaphor I have to remember a few things. I DO know who I am and where I want to end up. I have done enough of the growing and shrinking in the past few years. It is time for me to find and hold true to who I am. I am THE ALICE! I am the ONLY one who can write and defend this dissertation. No one can help me (well I need support, that is not what I mean). I have to find the courage from within to know and accept that I CAN DO THIS. I am on the right path and I was lead here for a purpose. The white rabbit didn't find the wrong Alice. I know that now. So now all that is left to to prepare for battle. My Jabberwocky awaits.

Mary J. Blige - Just Fine

Sometimes... Songs find you just when you need them. This is one of those songs. Regardless of the genre of music the words (posted below) are good to remember!



You know I love music
And every time I hear something hot
It makes me wanna move
It makes me wanna have fun
But it’s something about this joint right here
This joint right here
Its makes me wanna…..Woooh

Let it go……
Can’t let this thing called love get away from you
Feel free right now, going do what you want to do
Can’t let nobody take it away, from you, from me, from we
No time for moping around, are you kidding?
And no time for negative vibes, cause I’m winning
It’s been a long week, I put in my hardest
Gonna live my life, feels so good to get it right

So I like what I see when I’m looking at me
When I’m walking past the mirror
No stress through the night, at a time in my life
Ain’t worried about if you feel it
Got my head on straight, I got my mind right
I aint gonna let you kill it
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just fine

Feels so good, when you’re doing all the things that you want to do
Get the best out of life, treat yourself to something new
Keep your head up high
In yourself, believe in you, believe in me
Having a really good time, I’m not complaining
And I’m a still wear a smile if it raining
I got to enjoy myself regardless
I appreciate life, I’m so glad I got mine
So I like what I see when I’m looking at me

When I’m walking past the mirror
Aint worried about you and what you gonna do
I’m a lady so I must stay classy
Got to keep it hot, keep it together
If I want to get better
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I won’t change my life, my life’s just fine

I aint gon’ let nothing get in my way
(I ain't gone let nobody bring me down, no, no, no)
No matter what nobody has to say
(No way, no way, no way)
I ain’t gon’ let nothing get in my way
No matter what nobody has to say

Feels so good, when you’re doing all the things that you want to do
Get the best out of life, treat yourself to something new
It’s a really good thing to say
That I won’t change my life, my life’s just fine

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I won’t change my life, my life’s just fine

So I like what I see when I’m looking at me
When I’m walking past the mirror
No stress through the night, at a time in my life
Ain’t worried about if you feel it
Got my head on straight, I got my mind right
I ain’t gonna let you kill it
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just fine

A little less... Frustrated.

While many of the reasons I was frustrated yesterday are still in play it is amazing how one piece of good news seems to wash them all away. Today I found out that I got a major paper accepted for the National HIV Conference. Needless to say, I am excited. To make things even more fun.... I also got a scholarship to fund the trip. It is moments like this that I love my job and what I research. So many times what we do goes unnoticed or is just rejected but from time to time... people see your hard work and they give you that push to keep going. I think this push might just be the fuel I needed to get through this summer.

Friends, Grilled Cheese, and Italian Lessons

Today was an interesting day. I finished some more grading. A task I admit I hate more then most other jobs. I continued to research for MORE readings as I prepare to begin the first chapter of my dissertation. And I had dinner with my friend JiHyun. It always amazes me how much fun our talks can be and just how important a little laughter can be. I have been in a major funk and not really feeling like I have a whole lot of support. I know that writing a dissertation is lonely. I knew that going in but watching others hang out and seem to not have the same stress (even though I know they do) it is frustrating. I am frustrated that I have no money, I am frustrated that I have no time for my husband, I am frustrated that I have no time to just goof off with friends, I am frustrated that I have not YET had a honeymoon with my husband of almost 5 years. I am frustrated that I have no babies. I am frustrated that I have CLUE as to what job I might get next year. I am frustrated that I have an adviser that sometimes thinks I am "extra curricular". I am frustrated that the state i live in thinks that young adults are not at risk for HIV. I am frustrated that I am over weight. I am just frustrated. I am sure that I could go on and on and on. But where will that get me?

No. I must not dwell in the frustration. I must identify it, and decide if there is something I can do about it. IF so... then I will do my best to do it. If not... then I find the strength to DEAL with it.

I did decide to add some fun to my life. The hubby and I are planning to go to Italy when I am a PhD. As a celebration of me FINALLY being done with school as well as a VERY long awaited honeymoon. So to prepare I am learning Italian. All I have to say is THANK GOD for Rosetta Stone. That stuff is AWESOME. And Thank God I get it for free from one of the schools I teach at. In three lessons I can already say a lot. It has been fun to learn something fun for a change. I am also trying to enjoy the simple moments. Such as when "Mi Gatto e' no dormo" (MY cat is not sleeping). We play or snuggle. Both of mi "gattos" are great at snuggling.

I guess that is the lesson tonight. Take moments to snuggle, to breathe, and to do something you enjoy.

amici della buona notte (good night friends)

Amazingly... It has happened...

Three years of course work....Check
18 + hours of Qualifying Exam...Check
Oral Defense of Qualifying Exam... Check (times two)
42 Page Dissertation Proposal...Check
Oral Defense of Dissertation Proposal...Check

And what does this all equal... ME BEING ABD!!!!

So now.... I am left feeling excited and terrified. I have a huge task ahead of me and only I can do it. I do have a team of support and I love them but this is my baby, my jaberwaki to slay.

I am sure the next year will bring lots of tears, joy, and frustration but I know in my heart I can do it. But to document this part of the journey I will be here. Sometimes it might just be an image but I am going to strive for posting weekly updates.

And with this and a huge SIGH... I will take my leave. Until next time!

Short and Simple: Lesson of today!

Apple + Smoked Gouda + Fav. Wine = really smart grad student!!!

Why don't I write while drinking wine more often?

I have either found my formula for confidence or a one way ticket to visit everyone's buddy... Betty Ford.

Some Lessons Learned

I think it goes without saying that earning a PhD is NOT for the faint of heart. It is a process that tests your determination, ability to learn, levels of stress, and just plain changes who you are and how you see yourself. I knew grad school would be hard but I had no idea HOW hard. I also didn't see it functioning as a means of helping me battle some long standing demons.

Let me explain. When I was growing up I had a family member who was emotionally abusive. She didn't mean to be, but she was dealing with her own issues. Regardless though I was told I was useless, selfish, and stupid on a pretty regular basis. Multiple times when something good would happen she would somehow make it about her or find someway to bring me down. Years later I know that what was done in the past was A. in the past and B. nothing she could have helped. She was very ill and she is now not only better but I know she feels horrible. So let me just say I am not angry and I TOTALLY understand she knew nothing of what she was doing.

Flash forward to current day as I finish the qualifying exams and flooded with thoughts and fears that I am an impostor. Playing a role just waiting for the world to discover I am not smart enough for grad school. But this is not the case. I know that. And thank God I have a few AMAZING friends to help me see this. I am not sure how to close the disconnect and the feeling that I need approval but I think earning this degree might be a path. I am finding a way to stand on my own to feet and to see that I already have the approval I need. I have my husband who again and again shows me how much he loves me no matter what. I have my kittens and I have my friends. I have also learned that I do have the love and support from my parents.

So the moral of this tale. Grad school changes you but I think right now I am ok with it. The process is hard and forces you to look at who you think you are and who you want to be but in the end... I am sure I will never be the same. And I am excited to see where this path takes me next.

A moment to pause!

After two weeks of working on my prelims I have a small moment to pause. And in this moment I find myself both nervous and frustrated, yet at peace.

1. Nervous: My adviser offered to look over one of my papers. So I think taking advantage of a little feedback would be great, HOWEVER.... I am flooded with fear that she will hate it. I don't know how I will find the time to make MASSIVE revisions. However I know I will find the time if they are needed. Heck maybe she will like it. I question.. is it the job of the adviser to put fear of God into the hearts of their students?

2. Frustrated: WHY do people who say they are your friends make stupid comments. I try so hard to be supportive and understanding yet a few of my "friends" seem to think it is perfectly fine to pick out all of my flaws and raise questions about things that have NOTHING to do with them. Mind your own business! I just don't get it. I watch what I say SOOOOOO MUCH. But I am wondering if maybe these people need a few checks to their reality.

I am also frustrated living in the land of boxes. I HATE MOVING! I cannot wait to get into the new house but trying to write papers when all of your stuff is in boxes = Frustrating HELL!

3. Strangely at peace: With all said... I know that in three days I will be moving into the new house, my FIRST HOUSE! (ok so we are renting it but still it's a fricken HOUSE) In three days my prelims will also be complete and it will be on Spring Break. Not that I will go anywhere but the idea of not having to work on level ten and teach.... glorious. I am also at peace that while the prelim. experience SUCKS!!!! I am ready. I have found a confidence that I didn't know I really had. I have learned that I do know this stuff and I can do it. The process really does work. It is painful for a reason. But I feel like I am walking away with a new sense of self.

Well... this is where I am. More to come once I am sitting in the new house!

Thanks for listening.

And it all comes to this!

From time to time we reach a point in our lives when we have to just say.. IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT! In the current case it is a few people in my life. I just can't deal with the negativity lack of support or drama. Admittedly if any of these people need me... I know would be there. But right now I need to surround myself with people who love me and support me for who I am. Not those that only care when it is convenient for them.

Tomorrow is the LONG awaited scary section of my qualifying exams. Three hours of rhetorical methods. I have read and prepped and planned as much as I can. I finally think I am ready. Still a bit scared but ready. Once it is done... we move on to the longer piece a full manuscript. Less worried about that piece I just need help on the focusing side. Which is difficult when I have soo much other stuff that also needs to be finished.

On top of all this... I am moving. Yep very excited to get into our first house but my darling hubby needs to stop the making plans, telling his parents about them, and THEN once things are set involving me. I know he doesn't do it to make me mad and I honestly think he talks about this stuff with me but... nope he doesn't. It will be fine, we will get past it but UGH it is not a good time to have soo much going on.

So in then end... I just need to breathe. DEEP cleansing breaths.

You know it's bad when...

SO here I sit. I have a list of stuff to do but I simply cannot function. Where to start! I have finished most of the little piddly things but I have NO FREAKING clue where to go from here. AHHHHHH!!!! So I am hoping that maybe by blogging I will feel better. So far it is not helping. I just sit here thinking maybe if you just starting working on something you would get over this hump but no I am writing to you, that is provided anyone actually reads this. I doubt it!

In one month I take my qualifying exams and while everyone tells me I will be fine and that I don't need to stress it just doesn't seem that easy. I know I can write my papers and I know what I need to do before hand to get ready (including three papers for a conference, lesson plans, teaching, meetings with committee members, ect) but I feel like every-time I turn around I am hit with some other question or request. Yes I DO know how to say no. And I am getting slightly better at saying no. However when one of your course directors tells you that you have to go observe another TA and talk to them about their teaching (in the next three weeks) I can't really tell him NO. Well I could and that might solve some of the other pressures I have on me currently. However then I would have wasted a TON of time, money, and sex that I could have been having with my poor neglected husband. (Sorry that was maybe more then you wanted to know.)

UGH! This too shall pass and I will be grateful for the experience, Blah blah blah! I know in my heart I can do this, and I will do this but looking one month out it seems like a REALLY freaking big mountain.

Time for more tea. Since I had to put coffee aside for the moment! ;( Stupid stress!!!!

It's all about the little things

This week I have come to the realization that it is the simple things that make life great. For example:

1. FUN TV! Sunday I spent the entire day watching Big Bang Theory and ever since I have found things that connect and make me giggle. Another new show, well new to me, is the Late Late show with Craig Ferguson. Ironically both of these shows are ones that my mother has been telling me to watch for years. For once (well twice) she was on to something. Shhh don't tell.

2. Sometimes people can surprise you. I had a really good talk with a member of my dissertation committee and for once she was GREAT. To be honest I was not sure how well the talk would go but to my surprise it was really helpful.

3. Friends can make all the difference in the world. I have a few VERY close friends and now that I am a few weeks from turning the big 3--0 I am finally beginning to understand the benefit of not worrying about making everyone happy and just focusing attention on the people who support and care about me. Seems such a simple concept... so why did it take me so long to figure it out. Sigh.

4. Sometimes you just have to stop and do something silly. Yep.. that is all I will say about that.

5. Everyone needs to find a Happy Place. Mine is the clinic I work at. I LOVE the people soo much. Honestly I never thought one place could be filled with so many amazing people but I have found my happy place. I LOVE the work I get to do and the people I get to do it with. The only worry... is that I will have to move and will not be able to work there. But this is to be determined so we will worry about that later.

Overall...things are still stressful but I am in a pretty good place. As long as I keep working a little everyday I think it will be ok.

The year of changes....

Last year at this point I could already see it would be the year I would not sleep, and I was correct. But this year I have all new fun in store. This year will be the year of change.

1. The husband and I just signed a lease on a house which we will move into in March.
2. My qualifying exams and Dis. proposal are also set for March.
3. The summer will commence my starting the dissertation.
4. The Job hunt will begin in the fall.
5. My friendships keep changing.
6. My relationship with my mother is evolving (which is a really good thing)
7. Still have baby fever but that will still have to be on hold until I get a job. UGH.

Overall I should be freaking out. But I'm not. It's strange. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am just a tiny bit of a control freak (wink wink) but most of these changes leave little for me to control. In my youth I would be freaking out, but as I am standing outside the 30th year of my life I am calm cool and pretty collected. My friend tells me this is my "Saturn return" I am not sure how much I buy into the whole stars and moon stuff but I am seeing a difference in my outlook.

Sigh... It is times like this that I am eternally grateful for the friends who understand me, the husband who seems to love me no matter what, and the ability to journal and reflect when I need to.

It's got me thinking...

So after a few long conversations with a few people I have come to a final conclusion... Sometimes you just can't win. Is is impossible to make everyone happy, you will never be able to convince a person they are amazing if they don't want to hear it, just as they might not be able to convince you that you are doing a good job when you are in a funk. Moral of the story... Don't quit, but understand that sometimes... your fighting a battle you have no chance of winning. In those moments... just let it go but try again to remind the people you care about that you do care and be there when they need you.

So with that I share the following.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown


I love this poem and it has helped keep me going. Maybe it will help you on those days that you don't think you can look at even one more page of reading, or in my case survey.

Intrapersnal Terrorism

I had a thought the other day as I was driving home from church the other day.

If your best friend did something stupid and was feeling really low, would you tell them they were stupid and make them feel worse. Even someone as snarky and sassy as I can be knows that this is not what I would do. Yet all to often when I do something stupid or even if it wasn't stupid but I think it is less then my own expectations, this is precisely what I do. WHY. I would not keep a friend if they did that to me, yet I have torn myself down soo many times.

With this new way of thinking I remember the resolution I made last year "not to let fear stop me anymore" and for the FIRST time in sooooo long I was MOSTLY successful. I am sure I had a few moments but more time then not I would catch myself doing it and I would stop. But this year I think I am going to make my resolution to STOP the Intrapersnal Terrorism! I am going to stop beating myself up and just live.

I am a perfectionist and a bit of a control freak but I know this. I also know no one is perfect. I work hard and I love what I do. That is all that matters.

I pray I can keep this resolution because looking at all that is ahead of me this year is VERY scary. Here is the cliffs notes version:

1. Qualifying Exams (two weeks of SCARINESS)
2. Grant 2.0 Reviews
3. Moving
4. Beginning the Dis
5. Job Hunt
6. Job Talks
7. Getting more of my own research published (more scariness!)

Well this just about covers the most of it. UGH. All I can do is take it one day at a time. I will stay organized and will make time for relaxing (something my friends seem to this I am not capable of doing).