A few years ago I posted blogs about being excited and scared. I remember the days when I didn't think I was smart enough to do any of this. I was not smart enough to get a PhD. I was not talented enough to direct youth programs. And I had no idea I would be trusted to do the work I do with my HIV clients. But here I am... Kristi was right. My life would change.
Let me explain.
Once upon a time a scared girl found out she was going to go to grad school. The previous year she had thought she knew what track she would be taking. But all this changed when she took a persuasion class. Another class challenged her to think about what it was that she looked for in a career and in life. Upon further exploration it became clear, she LOVED to teach and to learn. Clearly her path was only beginning.
When I found out I got in to my MA program I remember asking two of my mentors, "do you really think I am smart enough to do this?" I was not fishing, I was truly worried I was not going to be. One of them told me it was not about being smart enough, that was never a question, the true test was the determination and motivation. She told me that I had more of both in my pinky toe then most people she had taught. Another mentor told me a similar tale but what I remember the most of her conversation was that she warned me I would change. I would not be the same girl who would leave that school.
Five years, an MA, and 3 years of a PhD later... man was she right. I am not the same girl. Heck, I'm not sure I am the same girl I was a year ago. I sit here tonight with a clear head, confident that I am on the right track. Am I stressed... HA you know the answer to that. Do I hate grad school sometimes...um...I think you know the answer to that as well. But do I still worry I'm not smart enough... Not any more. I found my confidence. Well... I found it in my field.
When it comes to Health Communication, HIV, or STD prevention stuff. I am your girl. I am methodologically promiscuous (or as a few friends call me a methods hooker!) I LOVE mixing methods but I am truly a qualitative jr. scholar. I still have a lot to learn, and I am not sure I will ever really feel like I have learned enough. But I am beginning to think that maybe that is whole drive for life. If I ever thought I knew it all... I would get board. This way... something is always keeping me on my toes.
I am sure this all sounds cheesy and maybe it is. But this is a very rare feeling for me. And I hope that maybe if anyone else is reading this that it might help them have hope that things can change. My dad always told me I could do anything I wanted as long as I followed what I was passionate about. I didn't always know what really drove me but I was smart enough to see glimmers of it in classes I took or jobs I had. We all have things we truly love to do, the question is simply are you willing to go for them. It has been a LONG and HARD road. I am not even done but I have changed. I am still a bit scared about this up coming year and what it will hold but... I have faith and a new found confidence.
I like the changes so far... and right now... I am looking forward to the next ones.
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