Some Lessons Learned

I think it goes without saying that earning a PhD is NOT for the faint of heart. It is a process that tests your determination, ability to learn, levels of stress, and just plain changes who you are and how you see yourself. I knew grad school would be hard but I had no idea HOW hard. I also didn't see it functioning as a means of helping me battle some long standing demons.

Let me explain. When I was growing up I had a family member who was emotionally abusive. She didn't mean to be, but she was dealing with her own issues. Regardless though I was told I was useless, selfish, and stupid on a pretty regular basis. Multiple times when something good would happen she would somehow make it about her or find someway to bring me down. Years later I know that what was done in the past was A. in the past and B. nothing she could have helped. She was very ill and she is now not only better but I know she feels horrible. So let me just say I am not angry and I TOTALLY understand she knew nothing of what she was doing.

Flash forward to current day as I finish the qualifying exams and flooded with thoughts and fears that I am an impostor. Playing a role just waiting for the world to discover I am not smart enough for grad school. But this is not the case. I know that. And thank God I have a few AMAZING friends to help me see this. I am not sure how to close the disconnect and the feeling that I need approval but I think earning this degree might be a path. I am finding a way to stand on my own to feet and to see that I already have the approval I need. I have my husband who again and again shows me how much he loves me no matter what. I have my kittens and I have my friends. I have also learned that I do have the love and support from my parents.

So the moral of this tale. Grad school changes you but I think right now I am ok with it. The process is hard and forces you to look at who you think you are and who you want to be but in the end... I am sure I will never be the same. And I am excited to see where this path takes me next.