The year of changes....

Last year at this point I could already see it would be the year I would not sleep, and I was correct. But this year I have all new fun in store. This year will be the year of change.

1. The husband and I just signed a lease on a house which we will move into in March.
2. My qualifying exams and Dis. proposal are also set for March.
3. The summer will commence my starting the dissertation.
4. The Job hunt will begin in the fall.
5. My friendships keep changing.
6. My relationship with my mother is evolving (which is a really good thing)
7. Still have baby fever but that will still have to be on hold until I get a job. UGH.

Overall I should be freaking out. But I'm not. It's strange. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am just a tiny bit of a control freak (wink wink) but most of these changes leave little for me to control. In my youth I would be freaking out, but as I am standing outside the 30th year of my life I am calm cool and pretty collected. My friend tells me this is my "Saturn return" I am not sure how much I buy into the whole stars and moon stuff but I am seeing a difference in my outlook.

Sigh... It is times like this that I am eternally grateful for the friends who understand me, the husband who seems to love me no matter what, and the ability to journal and reflect when I need to.

It's got me thinking...

So after a few long conversations with a few people I have come to a final conclusion... Sometimes you just can't win. Is is impossible to make everyone happy, you will never be able to convince a person they are amazing if they don't want to hear it, just as they might not be able to convince you that you are doing a good job when you are in a funk. Moral of the story... Don't quit, but understand that sometimes... your fighting a battle you have no chance of winning. In those moments... just let it go but try again to remind the people you care about that you do care and be there when they need you.

So with that I share the following.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown


I love this poem and it has helped keep me going. Maybe it will help you on those days that you don't think you can look at even one more page of reading, or in my case survey.

Intrapersnal Terrorism

I had a thought the other day as I was driving home from church the other day.

If your best friend did something stupid and was feeling really low, would you tell them they were stupid and make them feel worse. Even someone as snarky and sassy as I can be knows that this is not what I would do. Yet all to often when I do something stupid or even if it wasn't stupid but I think it is less then my own expectations, this is precisely what I do. WHY. I would not keep a friend if they did that to me, yet I have torn myself down soo many times.

With this new way of thinking I remember the resolution I made last year "not to let fear stop me anymore" and for the FIRST time in sooooo long I was MOSTLY successful. I am sure I had a few moments but more time then not I would catch myself doing it and I would stop. But this year I think I am going to make my resolution to STOP the Intrapersnal Terrorism! I am going to stop beating myself up and just live.

I am a perfectionist and a bit of a control freak but I know this. I also know no one is perfect. I work hard and I love what I do. That is all that matters.

I pray I can keep this resolution because looking at all that is ahead of me this year is VERY scary. Here is the cliffs notes version:

1. Qualifying Exams (two weeks of SCARINESS)
2. Grant 2.0 Reviews
3. Moving
4. Beginning the Dis
5. Job Hunt
6. Job Talks
7. Getting more of my own research published (more scariness!)

Well this just about covers the most of it. UGH. All I can do is take it one day at a time. I will stay organized and will make time for relaxing (something my friends seem to this I am not capable of doing).