WOW... SO much to say

First of all I need to say HOLY CRAP it has been a long time since I have posted. I think I should try and blog something everyday. Yes lets see how this goes.

So... last time in the exciting life of a PhD...HA! Sorry this is even too funny for me to finish writing. The life of a PhD.. SUCKS! I work, read, teach, prep., write, sometimes play a game with the hubby, and then I feel guilty for not working. Fun huh? NOT so much.

BUT then I remind myself that this will all be worth it in the end. I teach a class or read an article specifically SCREAMING out for more research to be done that I am trying to do and suddenly I am given the push to keep going. Thanks be to God for those moments. I know there is a reason I am pushing myself to the very edge of my sanity. As I sit and Farm on FB while talking to my two best friends.

Which brings me to another little lesson in survival. Find something silly. COMPLETELY ridiculous and become immersed. I have a farm on Farm Town. It is silly and addicting but I love it. It is great for me given I kinda hate dirt and I think plants know this about me. But this one if I tend to it for at least a few min. a day (OK maybe and hour) it survives and thus helping me to do the same. We even have farm parties. HEE HEE. Gotta love my friends.

That I guess would be the other thing you need to survive. FRIENDS! At least two people you can cry, scream, vent, and have proof your papers. People you KNOW will not steal your ideas but will tell you that you miss used too AGAIN! ;P

This semester marks my second semester of my second year and this time next year I will have already sent in my grant proposal and will begin preparing for the Big "QE" (the unmentionable Qualifying Exams) But these Terrify me so we will call them QE. Deal?

SO this is where I am. In school. Stressed out. Grateful for the opportunities and for the friends God places in our lives for every moment. Funny how these people wander into our lives. Take my Dear Hubby. Not to many people, and I mean VERY FEW, would put up with the hell this program puts them through but he is a trooper. Does he piss me off YEP! But in the end he is my rock. I am SOOOO blessed to have my D.

OHH and I have a focus. My Dis is coming together and the Adviser likes it. SO we are good.

This year also marks a very important goal for me. This year I am challenging myself to stop being so fearful. Not that I am afraid of basic things but that far to often I am holding back. For starters last week I sent in my first solo authored paper for publication. A HUGE fear I have had for a while. And this week I hope to meet up with my Masters Thesis adviser to discuss sending that out. I am not scared of sending things out for conferences but journals terrify me. I have not figured out why... ok that is a lie. I know why, I fear I am a bad writer and someone will tell me so. But then I think....if you were that bad... i think your professors would tell you. Right???? Well I can tell you (who ever you are) my professors would. Actually I think they might find pleasure in telling us that (OK, maybe not). But alas I have yet to this. I have heard I need to proof read better (hence the need for people to read my papers). I am HORRIBLE at proofing my own work (which you may have discovered, sorry about that by the way!). I try... but nonetheless.... I always miss something.

SO I need to send more out and if and when I get the nice reject e-mail... I will cry! But then I will read the feedback and try again. I have to remember that EVERY scholar get rejected. Even the greatest professors. It will only make me better. But I CANNOT give up. So I warn you now... there might be some sooobbbyyy booo hoooo posts in your immediate future.

However not today. Today I am hopeful. This year is SUPPOSED to be a good one for me according to the stars... but how much I will trust the stars??? Right now I figure what can it hurt. I pray that God will lead me and protect me. And when I am struggling... I turn to God. And say a simple prayer "God, I am stuck! I need your help" Then I give it all up. I have found sometimes that is all I can do. It always amazes me that once I remember to do this just how much I feel better. To bad I seem to forget this and wait days sometimes weeks fussing and trying to fix things on my own. I am so silly. The good news is I have been getting a bit quicker at this.

Well... I guess that is it for today. Tomorrow I have a meeting with the Adviser and I need to work on a chapter proposal. This week starts the work semester. Time to get back into the grove. I hope I can keep writing every day. I think it will be good for me.

Thanks for listening... Who ever you are!