The numbers know I hate them!

Let's face it, Numbers and I DO NOT GET along. I am horrible at math, and quantitative methods confuse the snot out of me and at this point I think my SPSS program is out to get me.

Lucky for me I do not have to do MUCH Quant. but for the remainder of 2010 I will be doing a bit more then I would like. "Baby Quant" as I like to call it (feq., correlations, descriptions) that I can do. Even T-test. But much more then that... and my head gets fuzzy. I do GET the idea of regression. But to run it and know what I am looking at. UGH!

I LOVE qualitative. More and More each day! Does it take longer, YEP! But I have made peace with this. I get richer and more indepth data and it makes me feel good. Rhetoric also has a warm and fuzzy place in my heart and I will return to it often.

But quant... we need to work on this relationship.

In Recovery...

Well today is better but not by much. Yet slow and steady is ok. Still overwhelmed! Still without a clear plan (a MUCH needed thing for anyone with even the mildest OCD) but I have a plan for this month, and that is better then nothing. So... we will take this a day at a time. I am beginning to think this blog just may be the refuge I will need.

Nervous Break Down No. 1

As this Spring semester officially began, I end the day in tears. Never in all my years of school have I been so terrified that a semester might actually kill me. Yet here I am. This semester is going to take focus, focus, and more focus. I know already that some major adjustments will have to be made which saddens me but right now I have no other choice. This degree means a great deal to me but I also have to make sure I take care of myself. How I am going to do it all (all as in the course work and teach)... I am not sure. All other projects are officially shelved. (sigh)

All I know is that right now I am really going to have to trust, hope, and have LOTS of faith that God has a plan.

Dear God.... I am scared!!! And I need your help.

Oh the things I wish I could say...

Maybe I need to add another blog. Titled the things I wish I could say. The rationale... Well...Students! They are sometimes....well...amazing! And I do not mean this kindly. Case in point, the Spring semester begins tomorrow. One of my classes begins tomorrow and tonight at 11:00 I receive an e-mail informing me that this student will not be in class and that I am to inform them of what they are missing. So replay professionally but firmly informing them that they are responsible for the work and will need to come to my office hours to find out what they have missed. But would I would like to say is....
"Really. You think this is the best way to start off. Good to know you think so highly of my class. Thank you. I just have one question, do you call in sick for the first day of work?" (now she is not sick, she has and "appointment" with no other information offered)

Far too often I wish I could work at an ed debevic's where I could say all the snarky things that come to mind.

"Prof. ******, I really need an A in this class" - Good for you, Earn it!
"Prof. ******, I don't think you understand how hard I worked on this" - Well I do understand you may have worked hard on this. However had you read the directions you would have seen that you didn't do the assignment. Copying something from Wikipedia is not acceptable.

Luckily every semester I do have a few students that make is all worth it. I do love teaching but every semester there are always a few.

SO... tomorrow is the start of things. This semester I can already tell will be challenging. Students, course work, but also the challenges I have else where. Internal struggles that seem to creep out and go BOOOOOO!!! At the oddest times.

This semester I need to just focus. NO worries about other peoples publications, or projects. All I can do is focus on my own work. I am not sure if I already mentioned this (and I am far too lazy to look) UGH.... I am far to OCD not to look. And I did not mention this...silly me. I recently opened a fortune cookie the other day (BTW I LOVE those things) and it told me that in three months things professionally would be looking up. So... I have dated it and placed it in my planner. So we will see. I am hoping so because I need something to move. I watch and hear about soo many others progressing in some areas and I feel as if I am stuck in quicksand. I move and struggle to work, yet... nothing I still stink. So I am going to stop struggling. I am going to focus, and work. And it will happen. I am much further in some areas (which people love to remind me) but in other areas... AHHHHHHHH. I just HATE it. I wish this didn't bother me so much... but it does. Lord help me!

WOW.... I love Pandora!!!! Great songs come in at just the right time! (As I proceed to chair dance and lip sync to Love Fool by the Cardigans)

Say that you love me...
I know that you need me...

Soo a song from.... well let us just say a long time ago.

And now we follow this by Sweat Dreams by the Eurythmics! NICE!!!!

Ok time to pack lunch for tomorrow. More to come I am sure!

WOW... SO much to say

First of all I need to say HOLY CRAP it has been a long time since I have posted. I think I should try and blog something everyday. Yes lets see how this goes.

So... last time in the exciting life of a PhD...HA! Sorry this is even too funny for me to finish writing. The life of a PhD.. SUCKS! I work, read, teach, prep., write, sometimes play a game with the hubby, and then I feel guilty for not working. Fun huh? NOT so much.

BUT then I remind myself that this will all be worth it in the end. I teach a class or read an article specifically SCREAMING out for more research to be done that I am trying to do and suddenly I am given the push to keep going. Thanks be to God for those moments. I know there is a reason I am pushing myself to the very edge of my sanity. As I sit and Farm on FB while talking to my two best friends.

Which brings me to another little lesson in survival. Find something silly. COMPLETELY ridiculous and become immersed. I have a farm on Farm Town. It is silly and addicting but I love it. It is great for me given I kinda hate dirt and I think plants know this about me. But this one if I tend to it for at least a few min. a day (OK maybe and hour) it survives and thus helping me to do the same. We even have farm parties. HEE HEE. Gotta love my friends.

That I guess would be the other thing you need to survive. FRIENDS! At least two people you can cry, scream, vent, and have proof your papers. People you KNOW will not steal your ideas but will tell you that you miss used too AGAIN! ;P

This semester marks my second semester of my second year and this time next year I will have already sent in my grant proposal and will begin preparing for the Big "QE" (the unmentionable Qualifying Exams) But these Terrify me so we will call them QE. Deal?

SO this is where I am. In school. Stressed out. Grateful for the opportunities and for the friends God places in our lives for every moment. Funny how these people wander into our lives. Take my Dear Hubby. Not to many people, and I mean VERY FEW, would put up with the hell this program puts them through but he is a trooper. Does he piss me off YEP! But in the end he is my rock. I am SOOOO blessed to have my D.

OHH and I have a focus. My Dis is coming together and the Adviser likes it. SO we are good.

This year also marks a very important goal for me. This year I am challenging myself to stop being so fearful. Not that I am afraid of basic things but that far to often I am holding back. For starters last week I sent in my first solo authored paper for publication. A HUGE fear I have had for a while. And this week I hope to meet up with my Masters Thesis adviser to discuss sending that out. I am not scared of sending things out for conferences but journals terrify me. I have not figured out why... ok that is a lie. I know why, I fear I am a bad writer and someone will tell me so. But then I think....if you were that bad... i think your professors would tell you. Right???? Well I can tell you (who ever you are) my professors would. Actually I think they might find pleasure in telling us that (OK, maybe not). But alas I have yet to this. I have heard I need to proof read better (hence the need for people to read my papers). I am HORRIBLE at proofing my own work (which you may have discovered, sorry about that by the way!). I try... but nonetheless.... I always miss something.

SO I need to send more out and if and when I get the nice reject e-mail... I will cry! But then I will read the feedback and try again. I have to remember that EVERY scholar get rejected. Even the greatest professors. It will only make me better. But I CANNOT give up. So I warn you now... there might be some sooobbbyyy booo hoooo posts in your immediate future.

However not today. Today I am hopeful. This year is SUPPOSED to be a good one for me according to the stars... but how much I will trust the stars??? Right now I figure what can it hurt. I pray that God will lead me and protect me. And when I am struggling... I turn to God. And say a simple prayer "God, I am stuck! I need your help" Then I give it all up. I have found sometimes that is all I can do. It always amazes me that once I remember to do this just how much I feel better. To bad I seem to forget this and wait days sometimes weeks fussing and trying to fix things on my own. I am so silly. The good news is I have been getting a bit quicker at this.

Well... I guess that is it for today. Tomorrow I have a meeting with the Adviser and I need to work on a chapter proposal. This week starts the work semester. Time to get back into the grove. I hope I can keep writing every day. I think it will be good for me.

Thanks for listening... Who ever you are!