Working Hard...

My friend tells me today that I am a model grad student and that I should not beat myself up for feeling like I don't work hard enough, and this has got me thinking. How does one know if they are working hard. For once I am not being sarcastic. I genuinely don't know if I really work hard. I ALWAYS seem to find things I should do or could have done better. I don't know why I am so hard on myself all the time but again and again I feel like I am not working hard enough. Yet in my program... I am labeled the overachiever. Not only by some of my peers but also some professors. But I am a perfectionist, and sometimes when things don't go the way I hoped I take it personally and think I failed. WHY! Why do I do this?

I do feel good that I am dedicated, and I will not quit. These I think are good qualities but this unending feeling that I could be doing more might not be healthy. Or maybe it is what drives me. Ugh I don't know!

Sometimes... Growth hurts!

I was reading my devotional the other day and they included one of the best quotes I have read in a long time. Not only did it hit home in an unexpected way (as most of the daily entries do) but it was from a VERY unexpected author. Yet as I reread the words over and over again I become truly inspired. Ok so i guess maybe you are wondering what this quote is fine here you are.



I started this year with the resolution that I would not let fear paralyze me anymore. For the most part I have to say this has been probably my only successful resolution. Yet one area I still need work on is to find my moxie (PS I simply adore the word moxie). In my head I am full of moxie, but in my actions... not always. This is where the quote comes in to play. I worry to much about what others think. Which is so odd to admit given that I am pretty known for being able to say what I think and always challenging ideas. But it is in the small things that my moxie begins to wane, which i guess could be better then having it for the small but not when it really matters.

In my last post I mentioned that I was feeling different these days and I guess this is just part of it. Maybe this is narcissistic but sometimes we need to turn the mirror around and see if we still like who we are, and I do. Yes, as my mother and Dr. like to remind me (as if I didn't already know this) I need to loose weight) but I am a grad student I would LOVE for someone to tell me when I can work out. I would love to but WHEN? Anyway I digress, besides the 20 or so pounds I would like to loose, i really do like who I have become. I have embraced the fact that I am a nerd, I love the work that I do (both in research and teaching, as well as the volunteer work - HIV clinic and youth group stuff) I love the hubby and my kittens and I very much look forward to having a family of my very own (in time I know, but I am eager!).

I seem to be too eager sometimes. I am a jumper. When I was a kid I was about three when I decided I needed to learn to swim and it would NOT be with the assistance of the little arm wing things they put on kids back then (which we have no found are not very good for anything anyway). So I took them off and jumped into the water. Scared the crap out of my mom and my dad had to jumped in to save me. But since then I have continued to JUMP into things, i guess i never learned my lesson. I enjoy loving like I will never get hurt, and dancing like no one is watching.

When it comes to my work.. yeah I am a bit of a workaholic. I try and give it my all. The best example is the grant i recently went for. I dedicated an entire summer to working on this thing and last week I found out it is unlikely I will get it. Yes the possibility is still there... but it is slim. And while I am sad that I didn't met my own expectation I have realized that in the end no matter what happens I am glad I jumped. I now have a very clear direction for the next year and half of research. I have the experience of what it is like to write a major grant and I have grown from the experience.

Yet what I have learned more then anything (and I didn't figure out until now) is that sometimes.. growth fucking hurts. When we are kids growing was physically painful, I remember. But as adults it is also painful. We hurt as professors tear our work apart all in the name of the growth of our mind and the "thicker skin" we will need in the future. As we love and have our heart broken we grow and become who we are. I think that might be the difference between those that become broken maybe the growth hurt too much and they just snap. Lord knows when my first mom passed away when I was a kid I thought I would NEVER get over that pain and it still hurts sometimes but I have grown a great deal from that experience.

In then end I guess it all comes to not having regrets. I do not regret going for the grant i am glad I did it and if I get feedback that I can fix something and try it again... I will. But if the things they mention are out of my control... I will be ok with that. I am a believer that somethings happen for a reason. We don't always know what those reasons are (which is VERY frustrating for the control freak in me) but the free spirited three year old who just likes to jump and think later... she is ok with the growing pains. I think she has my moxie... and maybe I need to start listening to her just a bit more!

As I sit...

Well... we are well into year three and so far it has stared off with a bang.

NIH Grant: DONE (Now we wait!) I still maintain that grants might be the work of the devil. They are VERY time consuming but it will be soooo worth it in the end.
Teaching: Going well, students aren't too bad.
Marriage: FOUR YEARS!!! And still going strong.
Oh and one of my best friends had baby! (SOOO cute. I just wish MY ovaries would stop burning.)

Overall... life is good. Hard! But good.

The biggest change since my last post is that I have been working in an STD/HIV clinic. This summer I began training and I cannot quite put into words JUST how much it has changed me. Not only do I work with some of the BEST people in the city but I feel like in a small way I am helping. I LOVE counseling and soon I will undergo training to do the testing as well. THEN I will be able to go out in the field and reach out. I want to do more with college kids. THEY NEED someone to talk to them.

It amazes me how big of a NERD I have become (oh ok I have always been a nerd. Who am I kidding). I love researching HIV prevention. I truly can't get enough of it. And the moments when things click into place offers a HIGH no drug (I am guessing) could offer. For me it is like drinking two pots of coffee (without the gut rot afterward).

But most of all this year has been a year of...metamorphosis. I guess. WOW that is lame and cheesy even to me but it is I guess. I turn 30 soon but even now I feel different. My friend who is kinda Woo Woo (as I like to call it) says that Saturn is returning or something like that. All I know is that I see things a bit different. I don't have the same patience for somethings and unlimited for others. And I am finding that for the most part... I like the woman I have become. I think people would say I am a good person. I try to work hard and always be there for my friends. I am not a "cool kid" and I have made peace that I will never be. I think I have wasted too much time worrying about what other have thought and these past few months I have really given most of that up. YES there are opinions that matter to me, but I have learned that more times then non... MY opinion of me is the one I need to focus on. I will never make everyone happy, but in the end I have to live with myself.

So that is where I am today. Tomorrow... who knows. But for now I am a wife, researcher,mentor(to youth at least) and friend. I like it!

Reflections

I have two favorite quotes, if you will, that have stuck by me my entire life. The first was written on the cover of my very first diary which I received when I was six.
It read: Sometimes I need to be alone thinking dreaming on my own. Finding out what makes me me. Following my own special path.

I think if that this morning as I sit and reflect on a fight I had recently. Questions were brought up about how we say things but unconsciously we meant to hurt someone. I admit I do not always think through my statements (a MAJOR flaw of mine). But I can work on that, and I am. But if some thinks that I would subconsciously intend to hurt them, how do I work on that? And how to explain that I didn't even subconsciously do that. I try my best to be a good person, I would do anything for my friends, but this is beyond me. And in many ways hurts more then other judgments I have endured. If you really truly felt that way, why would you want to be friends with that person. I wouldn't.

The other quote is: Don't walk in front of me I may not follow, don't walk in front I may not lead, just walk besides me and be my friend. This was my senior quote in high school but today means more then anything. In a PhD program it is your friends that will help build you up. Will be there for you to cry to when you have a rough day and will laugh at you when you mean to write assess and instead you write asses. Your friends should be by your side. Walking together side by side (like the travelers from the Wizard of Oz) our very own yellow brick road. But right now I think we lost in a forest and I can only hope that soon we will be through the brush and can get back on the right path.

They say a PhD program is a lonely path, and I see that now. So much of our time is sucked away by reading grading and writing. And in many ways our lives become so wrapped up in it that it is hard to break away. But this it is important to do so. SO with this in mind I think I will call my friends outside of the school world and invite them for wine!

The numbers know I hate them!

Let's face it, Numbers and I DO NOT GET along. I am horrible at math, and quantitative methods confuse the snot out of me and at this point I think my SPSS program is out to get me.

Lucky for me I do not have to do MUCH Quant. but for the remainder of 2010 I will be doing a bit more then I would like. "Baby Quant" as I like to call it (feq., correlations, descriptions) that I can do. Even T-test. But much more then that... and my head gets fuzzy. I do GET the idea of regression. But to run it and know what I am looking at. UGH!

I LOVE qualitative. More and More each day! Does it take longer, YEP! But I have made peace with this. I get richer and more indepth data and it makes me feel good. Rhetoric also has a warm and fuzzy place in my heart and I will return to it often.

But quant... we need to work on this relationship.

In Recovery...

Well today is better but not by much. Yet slow and steady is ok. Still overwhelmed! Still without a clear plan (a MUCH needed thing for anyone with even the mildest OCD) but I have a plan for this month, and that is better then nothing. So... we will take this a day at a time. I am beginning to think this blog just may be the refuge I will need.

Nervous Break Down No. 1

As this Spring semester officially began, I end the day in tears. Never in all my years of school have I been so terrified that a semester might actually kill me. Yet here I am. This semester is going to take focus, focus, and more focus. I know already that some major adjustments will have to be made which saddens me but right now I have no other choice. This degree means a great deal to me but I also have to make sure I take care of myself. How I am going to do it all (all as in the course work and teach)... I am not sure. All other projects are officially shelved. (sigh)

All I know is that right now I am really going to have to trust, hope, and have LOTS of faith that God has a plan.

Dear God.... I am scared!!! And I need your help.

Oh the things I wish I could say...

Maybe I need to add another blog. Titled the things I wish I could say. The rationale... Well...Students! They are sometimes....well...amazing! And I do not mean this kindly. Case in point, the Spring semester begins tomorrow. One of my classes begins tomorrow and tonight at 11:00 I receive an e-mail informing me that this student will not be in class and that I am to inform them of what they are missing. So replay professionally but firmly informing them that they are responsible for the work and will need to come to my office hours to find out what they have missed. But would I would like to say is....
"Really. You think this is the best way to start off. Good to know you think so highly of my class. Thank you. I just have one question, do you call in sick for the first day of work?" (now she is not sick, she has and "appointment" with no other information offered)

Far too often I wish I could work at an ed debevic's where I could say all the snarky things that come to mind.

"Prof. ******, I really need an A in this class" - Good for you, Earn it!
"Prof. ******, I don't think you understand how hard I worked on this" - Well I do understand you may have worked hard on this. However had you read the directions you would have seen that you didn't do the assignment. Copying something from Wikipedia is not acceptable.

Luckily every semester I do have a few students that make is all worth it. I do love teaching but every semester there are always a few.

SO... tomorrow is the start of things. This semester I can already tell will be challenging. Students, course work, but also the challenges I have else where. Internal struggles that seem to creep out and go BOOOOOO!!! At the oddest times.

This semester I need to just focus. NO worries about other peoples publications, or projects. All I can do is focus on my own work. I am not sure if I already mentioned this (and I am far too lazy to look) UGH.... I am far to OCD not to look. And I did not mention this...silly me. I recently opened a fortune cookie the other day (BTW I LOVE those things) and it told me that in three months things professionally would be looking up. So... I have dated it and placed it in my planner. So we will see. I am hoping so because I need something to move. I watch and hear about soo many others progressing in some areas and I feel as if I am stuck in quicksand. I move and struggle to work, yet... nothing I still stink. So I am going to stop struggling. I am going to focus, and work. And it will happen. I am much further in some areas (which people love to remind me) but in other areas... AHHHHHHHH. I just HATE it. I wish this didn't bother me so much... but it does. Lord help me!

WOW.... I love Pandora!!!! Great songs come in at just the right time! (As I proceed to chair dance and lip sync to Love Fool by the Cardigans)

Say that you love me...
I know that you need me...

Soo a song from.... well let us just say a long time ago.

And now we follow this by Sweat Dreams by the Eurythmics! NICE!!!!

Ok time to pack lunch for tomorrow. More to come I am sure!

WOW... SO much to say

First of all I need to say HOLY CRAP it has been a long time since I have posted. I think I should try and blog something everyday. Yes lets see how this goes.

So... last time in the exciting life of a PhD...HA! Sorry this is even too funny for me to finish writing. The life of a PhD.. SUCKS! I work, read, teach, prep., write, sometimes play a game with the hubby, and then I feel guilty for not working. Fun huh? NOT so much.

BUT then I remind myself that this will all be worth it in the end. I teach a class or read an article specifically SCREAMING out for more research to be done that I am trying to do and suddenly I am given the push to keep going. Thanks be to God for those moments. I know there is a reason I am pushing myself to the very edge of my sanity. As I sit and Farm on FB while talking to my two best friends.

Which brings me to another little lesson in survival. Find something silly. COMPLETELY ridiculous and become immersed. I have a farm on Farm Town. It is silly and addicting but I love it. It is great for me given I kinda hate dirt and I think plants know this about me. But this one if I tend to it for at least a few min. a day (OK maybe and hour) it survives and thus helping me to do the same. We even have farm parties. HEE HEE. Gotta love my friends.

That I guess would be the other thing you need to survive. FRIENDS! At least two people you can cry, scream, vent, and have proof your papers. People you KNOW will not steal your ideas but will tell you that you miss used too AGAIN! ;P

This semester marks my second semester of my second year and this time next year I will have already sent in my grant proposal and will begin preparing for the Big "QE" (the unmentionable Qualifying Exams) But these Terrify me so we will call them QE. Deal?

SO this is where I am. In school. Stressed out. Grateful for the opportunities and for the friends God places in our lives for every moment. Funny how these people wander into our lives. Take my Dear Hubby. Not to many people, and I mean VERY FEW, would put up with the hell this program puts them through but he is a trooper. Does he piss me off YEP! But in the end he is my rock. I am SOOOO blessed to have my D.

OHH and I have a focus. My Dis is coming together and the Adviser likes it. SO we are good.

This year also marks a very important goal for me. This year I am challenging myself to stop being so fearful. Not that I am afraid of basic things but that far to often I am holding back. For starters last week I sent in my first solo authored paper for publication. A HUGE fear I have had for a while. And this week I hope to meet up with my Masters Thesis adviser to discuss sending that out. I am not scared of sending things out for conferences but journals terrify me. I have not figured out why... ok that is a lie. I know why, I fear I am a bad writer and someone will tell me so. But then I think....if you were that bad... i think your professors would tell you. Right???? Well I can tell you (who ever you are) my professors would. Actually I think they might find pleasure in telling us that (OK, maybe not). But alas I have yet to this. I have heard I need to proof read better (hence the need for people to read my papers). I am HORRIBLE at proofing my own work (which you may have discovered, sorry about that by the way!). I try... but nonetheless.... I always miss something.

SO I need to send more out and if and when I get the nice reject e-mail... I will cry! But then I will read the feedback and try again. I have to remember that EVERY scholar get rejected. Even the greatest professors. It will only make me better. But I CANNOT give up. So I warn you now... there might be some sooobbbyyy booo hoooo posts in your immediate future.

However not today. Today I am hopeful. This year is SUPPOSED to be a good one for me according to the stars... but how much I will trust the stars??? Right now I figure what can it hurt. I pray that God will lead me and protect me. And when I am struggling... I turn to God. And say a simple prayer "God, I am stuck! I need your help" Then I give it all up. I have found sometimes that is all I can do. It always amazes me that once I remember to do this just how much I feel better. To bad I seem to forget this and wait days sometimes weeks fussing and trying to fix things on my own. I am so silly. The good news is I have been getting a bit quicker at this.

Well... I guess that is it for today. Tomorrow I have a meeting with the Adviser and I need to work on a chapter proposal. This week starts the work semester. Time to get back into the grove. I hope I can keep writing every day. I think it will be good for me.

Thanks for listening... Who ever you are!