A year in review....

Well... here we are a few days before the start of a new year. What can I say... it was a LONG year full of tears, pain, and some joy. Needless to say I am very much looking forward to closing this chapter and beginning anew. Yet before this new year begins I think it will be smart of me to look back, count the many blessings, and acknowledge the lessons I learned. SO instead of a month by month recap (which was the initial plan) I think it will be more beneficial to focus on the lessons themselves.

Lesson NO. 1: We DO NOT control life, all we can do is participate.
I have to acknowledge that I didn't come up with this on my own, instead I heard it from a very wise and funny Wayan brother. He mentioned this idea in an interview with Oprah and it really stuck. I have been trying to control things for a few years and I see now that all it did was stress me out. I CAN"T control it all. There I said it. Would I like to be able to ... yup. I am a type A person. I admit it and I am not sure how much I want that to change that, but what I HAVE to let go of is the stress connected to things I have NO control over.

For example, this time last year I was terrified that I would not get to keep my job at Carroll. Well .... I didn't get to. It HURT, bad. I fell into a deep depression and summer of 2013 SUCKED. I NEVER want to feel that way again, yet I have learned from that experience. For starters I learned to trust that everything will work out. God provided for me in so many ways. First I was able to find the financial security we needed, but more on that in a min. Second I found parts of me that had been LONG forgotten. I started really reading again. I rediscovered my love and passion for art. I took a really hard look at who I am, and who I want to be.

When I lost, NO when my time at Carroll "ended" (I am still there, just not full time) I was terrified I would never get to teach. I am a teacher with every ounce of my being. No doubt. Nothing gives me more joy than helping my student get a difficult concept or watching a class get so into a discussion that I do nothing more than offer a point or two as means of directing the conversation. I have always known I loved teaching, but when you are faced with idea that you might not be able to do what you love.... i'm not sure how to describe the pain I felt. I hurt about as much as loosing my mother when I was nine. HOWEVER, God put me on this earth to teach. It was the challenge from God that I made me make a call and in the end take an offer to teach high school.

To be honest some days I HATE this job. It is by far the hardest job I have ever had. I have cried a LOT. I have felt so sick that I fear not being able to make it to work. Yet, I am told I am great at what I do. My students (well many) seem to really like me as a teacher. I get them, and they get me. I am able to get many to see connections I am not sure others have provided. I am not convinced I am making a huge difference, which is always my fear as a teacher. I love college because you can SEE it. It is so much easier to see and hear from students that you had an impact. High school seems very different. But it's not about me, and it shouldn't be. All I can do it try and keep going. I am not sure what will happen next year, but if God asks me to keep going I will do my best. Which I guess leads me to another lesson.

Lesson NO. 2: All you can do is try. 

God never said we had to be perfect. In fact I am pretty sure perfect doesn't exist. I have tried to be as perfect as I could be, but that is STUPID. No one expects me to be perfect, so why do I freak about it. All I can do is give it my best. Some lessons that I plan will be great, others for what ever reason will blow up. That is life!

As long as I am giving my best effort it will be ok. I cannot let my fear of making mistakes imprison or stop me.

Am I a size 6, NOT A CHANCE. But I have lost a good number of the grad school pounds, about 10 in total. Should I take off more, sure that would be great. Do I need to kill myself to do it. NOPE. My husband finds me sexy and tries to get in my pants on a daily basis. SO why should I care that society might think I am chubby. FUCK IT. 

Lesson NO. 3: ANYTHING can happen, so be ready.

I think the biggest thing I have learned this year is just to be open for anything. I was pushed out of the tree that I loved and was comfortable in. For a while I felt like a baby bird with her head in a hole on the ground. Then (with some help) I was taken out of the hole and was left hoping around on the ground. I have not yet figured out how to soar, but I have flown a few times. I know I CAN fly. I just need to keep trying. Maybe it will be a college breeze that lifts my wings and helps to carry me over the trees and sea. OR maybe it will be that I find my wings growing stronger as a high school teacher. Regardless I will FLY. I will find my way. I just have to keep flapping my wings. When I get tiered... I need to rest. I need to accept that this is not going to be easy. Nothing worth doing is EVER easy. My dissertation was a painful project, yet it did it. I never thought I was smart enough to get a PhD, yet... here I am. This year has reminded me that I still have LOTS to learn. I hope I never feel as if I have nothing left to learn.

Lesson NO 4: Friends and a support system is VITAL!

Without my husband, friends, and my family I am not sure how I could have survived this year. Derek was such a blessing. Not only did he, and still does, do his very best to keep me smiling no matter how bleak I thought the world looked, but he also let me cry and just be. Was he always helpful.... well most of the time. ;)  But by in large he has NEVER given up on me. He believes in me far more than I believe in myself most days. He sees such greatness in me. I am SOOO lucky to have people like that.

Many of my friends also see more in me than I do. I have to think this is the case for most of us. I know I seem to see more in my friends than they are able to see. I guess that is the whole point of having friends. They let you bitch, and cry, and complain; then they pick you up and help you see all that you have missed. We get so lost in our own fears, pain, and expectations that we miss so much. A good support system will not let you keep focused on the dark. A real friend and in my case I have TWO (Ali and Sherry) always help you find the light. These two beautiful, brilliant, and bitchy women NEVER let go. They call me out on my crap when I need it, make me laugh when I all I want to do is cry, and they are the best friends I could ever ask for. They know me better than anyone, and because of that I can't get anything past them.

Lastly I have my faith. I know not everyone connects with a higher power, but I have to. Life always seem far more impossible when I loose sight of the bigger purpose, not that I know what that is. Yet I feel like if as long as I TRY and make this world a little better than yesterday I have done my job. I can't change the world by myself. BUT maybe... JUST maybe I can shine a light that will set someone else to do the same. If we all shine our lights this darkness can be lifted.

Soo...... 
It's been a long year. I have been challenged, stretched, and I have grown. My family welcomed our first niece and a week later they lost their house in a tornado. I lost my job, but found a whole new possibility, as well as pieces of me I had forgotten about.  I am VERY ready to say goodbye to 2013, however I am grateful for every moment. I would not be who I am today without the trials of yesterday. I am stronger and more determined than ever before. Did I see this path coming... NOPE. Can I control what will be in store in 2014... NOPE. Do I need to be... NOPE. (I write with an enormous smile stretched across my face). I don't have to know what will happen, all I can do is be willing to move and fly when the wind picks up my wings. My mantra this past year (and from now no.... alis volat propriis!!!!  I will fly again! I will soar and lead others to fly with me, but first I have to build up my strength. I think once I get going it might be a LONG flight so I better keep practicing. BRING IT ON 2014!

M.