People Change... God knows I did!

A few years ago I posted blogs about being excited and scared. I remember the days when I didn't think I was smart enough to do any of this. I was not smart enough to get a PhD. I was not talented enough to direct youth programs. And I had no idea I would be trusted to do the work I do with my HIV clients. But here I am... Kristi was right. My life would change.

Let me explain.

Once upon a time a scared girl found out she was going to go to grad school. The previous year she had thought she knew what track she would be taking. But all this changed when she took a persuasion class. Another class challenged her to think about what it was that she looked for in a career and in life. Upon further exploration it became clear, she LOVED to teach and to learn. Clearly her path was only beginning.

When I found out I got in to my MA program I remember asking two of my mentors, "do you really think I am smart enough to do this?" I was not fishing, I was truly worried I was not going to be. One of them told me it was not about being smart enough, that was never a question, the true test was the determination and motivation. She told me that I had more of both in my pinky toe then most people she had taught. Another mentor told me a similar tale but what I remember the most of her conversation was that she warned me I would change. I would not be the same girl who would leave that school.

Five years, an MA, and 3 years of a PhD later... man was she right. I am not the same girl. Heck, I'm not sure I am the same girl I was a year ago. I sit here tonight with a clear head, confident that I am on the right track. Am I stressed... HA you know the answer to that. Do I hate grad school sometimes...um...I think you know the answer to that as well. But do I still worry I'm not smart enough... Not any more. I found my confidence. Well... I found it in my field.

When it comes to Health Communication, HIV, or STD prevention stuff. I am your girl. I am methodologically promiscuous (or as a few friends call me a methods hooker!) I LOVE mixing methods but I am truly a qualitative jr. scholar. I still have a lot to learn, and I am not sure I will ever really feel like I have learned enough. But I am beginning to think that maybe that is whole drive for life. If I ever thought I knew it all... I would get board. This way... something is always keeping me on my toes.

I am sure this all sounds cheesy and maybe it is. But this is a very rare feeling for me. And I hope that maybe if anyone else is reading this that it might help them have hope that things can change. My dad always told me I could do anything I wanted as long as I followed what I was passionate about. I didn't always know what really drove me but I was smart enough to see glimmers of it in classes I took or jobs I had. We all have things we truly love to do, the question is simply are you willing to go for them. It has been a LONG and HARD road. I am not even done but I have changed. I am still a bit scared about this up coming year and what it will hold but... I have faith and a new found confidence.

I like the changes so far... and right now... I am looking forward to the next ones.

And it all becomes too real.

As I have mentioned in past posts I LOVE what I research. SO much so that in my free time (used loosely) I volunteer at an HIV clinic. As part of this work I test for HIV, counsel HIV clients including giving both negative and positive results. Negative results are often fun filled with smiles and sometimes hugs. Yet positives are tough. This weekend especially was really tough. Every year I volunteer at a PRIDE festival where we test hundreds of people. This year... almost 500 in three days. In the process 6 positive cases were identified. Thus, thanks to a background in communication and being the clinic's state contact for new infections, I had the task of telling each of these people that they might have HIV. Some where not surprised, others were shocked, and one.... fell into my arms in tears.

While many of my clients stories are imprinted into my head, and heart, this is one that I am sure I will never forget. A few years older then me and scared to death. Terrified that he would die before repairing a 16 year feud with his parents. Scared he would have no one to turn to, and confused as to how a man who has only had two partners could contract HIV. It breaks my heart. He was convinced that I had given him a death sentence. Which is not at all the case. Would his life be forever changed, yes. But with today's treatments he will happily live for a very long time.

Needless to say I do love what I do and I am so grateful that I am in a place where I can help people, but man it just sucks the life out of you. I am so happy the clinic is closed the next two days. I need a week off, that is for sure. But my work with these clients is not done. Next will be check in phone calls to see how they are holding up and to remind them that they have support. Then meetings next week when we get the confirmatory tests back and we know for sure it's HIV and how far we are. Then a week later we have contact again to make sure the first doctors appointment were made. All of these for the 7 newest clients (one occurred before the festival even started.)

This career is one that I am grateful for. One that, while it breaks my heart sometimes, gives me so much joy to know that I am able to see the work I do make a small difference. Most of the people I met this past weekend, I know I might never see again. But the few people that took a moment to tell me that they appreciated knowing I cared enough to answer a bunch of questions really means a lot to me. OH and to end on a happier note. Check this out. On Sat. we were closing up for the night and a handful of high school kids come up to ask if they could make a donation. I say OF COURSE and run to the back of the tent to get the box. They continue to tell me they did a bake sale for the clinic and raised $90.00. I was SOOOO excited. These moments make all the hard ones... melt a little.

Today might have been a bit hard, but I will be forever grateful that I get to touch so many lives. I am very blessed.

I don't think I ask for much

REALLY!!!! I ask for one TINY favor and I get crapped on. REALLY!!!! I do things for you all the time. REALLYYY!!!!!! UGH! I dislike people sometimes ESPECIALLY PHONEY people. GRRRR... ok... I am better. I just needed to get that out!

To those of you that have been there for me I love you and thank you for that.

Time to go practice my Italian I think.

Ciao!