Curiouser and curiouser!

Ever since I was a little girl I have loved the story Alice in Wonderland. I have read and seen just about every version created and I have to admit I LOVED the newest movie. I think I liked it so much not only because it takes me away to a fanciful place with interesting characters but because in the end Alice learns who she is and finds the strength to stand on her own. To fight her inner Jabberwocky.

And as I watched the newest installment of the story I knew that the remainder of my PhD career would be much like an adventure in wonderland, culminating in the final battle between me and my dissertation. So here I am. Looking at the calender knowing that in less then a year.... the battle will be over. I KNOW I will defeat the beast that stares back at me. I have the vorpal sword, that being a topic I love. But it is heavy and sometimes unwieldy. I have an adviser that sometimes seems very much like the Queen of hearts, and is happy to say off with my head. I have companions that are sometimes as crazed by stress as the mad hatter, as indecisive as Tweedledum and Tweedledee, and as mischievous and elusive as the cheshire cat. Yet I am not sure what I would do without them.

But as much fun as it would be to continue this metaphor I have to remember a few things. I DO know who I am and where I want to end up. I have done enough of the growing and shrinking in the past few years. It is time for me to find and hold true to who I am. I am THE ALICE! I am the ONLY one who can write and defend this dissertation. No one can help me (well I need support, that is not what I mean). I have to find the courage from within to know and accept that I CAN DO THIS. I am on the right path and I was lead here for a purpose. The white rabbit didn't find the wrong Alice. I know that now. So now all that is left to to prepare for battle. My Jabberwocky awaits.

Mary J. Blige - Just Fine

Sometimes... Songs find you just when you need them. This is one of those songs. Regardless of the genre of music the words (posted below) are good to remember!



You know I love music
And every time I hear something hot
It makes me wanna move
It makes me wanna have fun
But it’s something about this joint right here
This joint right here
Its makes me wanna…..Woooh

Let it go……
Can’t let this thing called love get away from you
Feel free right now, going do what you want to do
Can’t let nobody take it away, from you, from me, from we
No time for moping around, are you kidding?
And no time for negative vibes, cause I’m winning
It’s been a long week, I put in my hardest
Gonna live my life, feels so good to get it right

So I like what I see when I’m looking at me
When I’m walking past the mirror
No stress through the night, at a time in my life
Ain’t worried about if you feel it
Got my head on straight, I got my mind right
I aint gonna let you kill it
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just fine

Feels so good, when you’re doing all the things that you want to do
Get the best out of life, treat yourself to something new
Keep your head up high
In yourself, believe in you, believe in me
Having a really good time, I’m not complaining
And I’m a still wear a smile if it raining
I got to enjoy myself regardless
I appreciate life, I’m so glad I got mine
So I like what I see when I’m looking at me

When I’m walking past the mirror
Aint worried about you and what you gonna do
I’m a lady so I must stay classy
Got to keep it hot, keep it together
If I want to get better
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I won’t change my life, my life’s just fine

I aint gon’ let nothing get in my way
(I ain't gone let nobody bring me down, no, no, no)
No matter what nobody has to say
(No way, no way, no way)
I ain’t gon’ let nothing get in my way
No matter what nobody has to say

Feels so good, when you’re doing all the things that you want to do
Get the best out of life, treat yourself to something new
It’s a really good thing to say
That I won’t change my life, my life’s just fine

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I won’t change my life, my life’s just fine

So I like what I see when I’m looking at me
When I’m walking past the mirror
No stress through the night, at a time in my life
Ain’t worried about if you feel it
Got my head on straight, I got my mind right
I ain’t gonna let you kill it
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just fine

A little less... Frustrated.

While many of the reasons I was frustrated yesterday are still in play it is amazing how one piece of good news seems to wash them all away. Today I found out that I got a major paper accepted for the National HIV Conference. Needless to say, I am excited. To make things even more fun.... I also got a scholarship to fund the trip. It is moments like this that I love my job and what I research. So many times what we do goes unnoticed or is just rejected but from time to time... people see your hard work and they give you that push to keep going. I think this push might just be the fuel I needed to get through this summer.

Friends, Grilled Cheese, and Italian Lessons

Today was an interesting day. I finished some more grading. A task I admit I hate more then most other jobs. I continued to research for MORE readings as I prepare to begin the first chapter of my dissertation. And I had dinner with my friend JiHyun. It always amazes me how much fun our talks can be and just how important a little laughter can be. I have been in a major funk and not really feeling like I have a whole lot of support. I know that writing a dissertation is lonely. I knew that going in but watching others hang out and seem to not have the same stress (even though I know they do) it is frustrating. I am frustrated that I have no money, I am frustrated that I have no time for my husband, I am frustrated that I have no time to just goof off with friends, I am frustrated that I have not YET had a honeymoon with my husband of almost 5 years. I am frustrated that I have no babies. I am frustrated that I have CLUE as to what job I might get next year. I am frustrated that I have an adviser that sometimes thinks I am "extra curricular". I am frustrated that the state i live in thinks that young adults are not at risk for HIV. I am frustrated that I am over weight. I am just frustrated. I am sure that I could go on and on and on. But where will that get me?

No. I must not dwell in the frustration. I must identify it, and decide if there is something I can do about it. IF so... then I will do my best to do it. If not... then I find the strength to DEAL with it.

I did decide to add some fun to my life. The hubby and I are planning to go to Italy when I am a PhD. As a celebration of me FINALLY being done with school as well as a VERY long awaited honeymoon. So to prepare I am learning Italian. All I have to say is THANK GOD for Rosetta Stone. That stuff is AWESOME. And Thank God I get it for free from one of the schools I teach at. In three lessons I can already say a lot. It has been fun to learn something fun for a change. I am also trying to enjoy the simple moments. Such as when "Mi Gatto e' no dormo" (MY cat is not sleeping). We play or snuggle. Both of mi "gattos" are great at snuggling.

I guess that is the lesson tonight. Take moments to snuggle, to breathe, and to do something you enjoy.

amici della buona notte (good night friends)

Amazingly... It has happened...

Three years of course work....Check
18 + hours of Qualifying Exam...Check
Oral Defense of Qualifying Exam... Check (times two)
42 Page Dissertation Proposal...Check
Oral Defense of Dissertation Proposal...Check

And what does this all equal... ME BEING ABD!!!!

So now.... I am left feeling excited and terrified. I have a huge task ahead of me and only I can do it. I do have a team of support and I love them but this is my baby, my jaberwaki to slay.

I am sure the next year will bring lots of tears, joy, and frustration but I know in my heart I can do it. But to document this part of the journey I will be here. Sometimes it might just be an image but I am going to strive for posting weekly updates.

And with this and a huge SIGH... I will take my leave. Until next time!