And another semester has nearly come and gone

So far this journey to Mankato has been MORE than I ever would have dreamed it could be. In a few short months I have made new friends, lived my revived a passion for teaching and research, and found balance and peace. I may have also discovered that part of the problem is that I was not quite in the right area. I LOVE communication, please don't get me wrong, but I have always never quite fit.

I am an applied scholar. I USE theory to explain WHY we do something, I never really wanted to create theory or even really test it. I love learning about it, but my methods of thinking have never really led to to a path where I could see myself developing theory. Understanding this about my self and making peace with it has been a LONG journey.

About a month ago a colleague from the English Dept. and I were talking and I was asked "why are you in the Com dept.? Do you realize you should be in Tech. Com?" Without a second thought I simply replied, "Some days, I am not sure. But I was never really in a place where I could JUST focus on Tech Com." I have always LOVED Technical writing and I am good at it. I love to teach it. It IS APPLIED communication. IT IS STRATEGIC. And it provides a platform for me to teach students skills they will use no matter what they go on to do. I LOVE that. There is NO question about "does this REALLY even matter?" YES! YES it does. Regardless of the job field one chooses they will need to be able to write, and often that writing is much different from the types they are experienced with.

The best part is, that this conversation was not simply water-cooler chatter, but an invitation to apply for a TC TENURE LINE job. One with a focus on health! HA!!  Would you look at that. A job almost written for ME!!! Needless to say I have applied, and have recently been told my application was suggested by HR, and is now with the search committee.

So it is time for, yet again, more waiting to see if the door will open. I have knocked on a few doors this fall, and so far two have cracked open. Which is the soonest I have experienced since joining the job market in 2011. I have a lot of confidence in this season of job hunting, and can feel the air of freedom above me. That open sky is almost here. 

All this said however, my life is much fuller now as well. The hubs and I have found balance (ok I have found balance). Yes I work more than I should I am sure.  But I admit it, I am the job. I think all great teachers are. We have to be. HOWEVER, I am making time to be with friends and the hubs more than ever. We game weekly with our friends, sometimes a few times a week. D and I WILL start going to the gym together soon and I am excited. He is also waiting for news of a job. He applied and had an interview at my university. SQUEEEE!

It seems that we are both looking at a GREAT possibility. Could it be... for the first time in our entire relationship we are going to be in stable jobs? I am SOO thrilled and terrified by this idea. Thrilled because this is all I have wanted for a LONG time. Terrified that this glimpse will never happen. But I have faith. I believe this will happen when the time is right. And it would see the time is getting closer. Once it does.... then the real conversation about kids and future will begin. For now lets just see what happens with these two possibilities.

All in all, as I enter this holiday season I remain focused, grateful,  and determined. I have my dream job at my fingertips, an amazingly supportive husband, and the best friends a girl could ask for. I am THRIVING! I am whole again. Bring on 2015!  I am more ready than ever.

T.H.R.I.V.E.

The first week is behind me now. Looking back... all I can do is smile. I AM where I was meant to be. I have found a place that I didn't even knew could be real. While I know no university (or any place of work) will be perfect, this might be as close as I can come. At the very least it is perfect for now.

My first week on the last day of orientation I was reminded that we all need to THRIVE as professors.

T - Take advantage of the available resources.  They have soooo many programs and certificates it's crazy. So I am. I am taking classes for two certificates to help continue develop my teaching. One is for online teaching and the other is for the writing intensive class I have to teach. They also have a program that will edit and guide scholarship before we send it out for journal review. How cool is that!

H - Have Fun. Seems like an easy thing to do, right?  Well for me sometimes I need a reminder. I am type A, a workaholic, and a perfectionist. All ingredients for trouble and stress.  Luckily have a great husband who often keeps things fun, and will pull me away for fun when I forget.

R - Remember they picked you. YES!! Yes they did. And not only did they pick me, they put in a specific request for an additional line JUST FOR ME. I need to remember this anytime my imposter starts talking loudly. This week with the students helped a TON. They are already connecting as my Carroll students did. Kinda makes me wonder if they weren't right after all. Maybe I really do set the tone.

I - Invite Feedback; ask for advice. I have decided that I need to stop fearing feedback. The only way I can get better is by asking for help and advice. I am so quick to ask for help in some areas of my life, why not apply the understanding to my teaching and writing. So I have signed up for the peer and student review process for my class (another cool program offered). And I will seek support from my colleges.

V - Vision. Where are you going? After meeting with the Dean for my Professional Development Plan it was even clearer that I am indeed in a wonderful place. She not only seemed excited for what I offer, but was also able to see the potential in me for leadership roles.  I have always thought I could be a great dean someday, but to hear one say they see it in you... really helps. The best part of the conversation however was the advice to always think about HOW I want to grow. What is my vision for my career? How can I PACE myself to grow in the right ways. It's so easy to get ahead of yourself, so focusing on the vision will be helpful. I also have to keep in mind that really I am only at the beginning of my journey. I still have 30 some years before I would retire. I have LOTS of time to get to my benchmarks. I just can't give up.

E - Excuse Yourself (Say No, Shut the door). Sometimes it is smarter to say NO for the moment, than to take on more than you can do. I suffer from wanting to do everything, but knowing that is the first step. I must remember my vision and ask if the activity or what not will help me reach the goal. If not... Might have to pass. I also need to make sure I keep writing. I will need to get into a habit of writing everyday. I know it will take planning, and determination, but I know I can do it.

I have taken so much away from the various meetings I went to last week. I am thrilled to be starting on this journey, and I think this might be a long season. I certainly hope that is the case. SO far signs seem to point to yes. I will go for it. I will have faith.  If I am meant to be somewhere else... ok. We will take it a day at a time. I will only control what I can, and let go of what I can't.

Could it be.... I have finally grown up?

Still the imposter

When I was in grad school I remember fighting the fear that I wasn't smart enough to be in grad school. Every paper I turned in I would be filled with trepidation. Worrying that this would be the paper that would seal my fate. I would get called into my professor's office, and there I would be told I was found out, not good enough, and should find a new career.

Needless to say it never happened.

When I graduated I thought that would be the end of the negative little voice. I was certain that with the new job it would be ok. Nope.

Today sitting in our department meeting the voice started up again. I am not sure why I have this fear, but I am told it's normal. Not that this helps, much. 

So I sit here, alone. My friends, family, cats, everything I know and love are hours and hours away. I am excited about this opportunity. BUT SCARED out of my mind. I can I REALLY do this? Will my students connect with me like past ones have? Can I get into a rhythm that will help be do what I need to do? Only time will tell.

For now I must stay confident. Or at least keep telling myself I am here for a reason. Everyone tells me it will work out. I only wish I was able to see what they all seem to see.

The Last MKE Chapter

15 years ago I moved to Milwaukee. I kicked, I screamed, I hated my parents for moving me here. Now... I am sad to go. I have experienced SOOOO much in this great city. I met amazing people, ate great food, and found my passion for teaching at the college level.

I read somewhere that only 20% of academics with a PhD get a job in a academia.  That seems low, but not that low. I have a number of friends who have chosen to leave and I can't say I blame them at all. Many have had no bites (mostly English and American Studies peeps) those jobs are gone. My friends in Communication have it better, but for us the field is so saturated with nepotism it isn't even funny.

The greatest thing I take away from Milwaukee will be the friendships. Growing up I moved so much that I never had the chance to really make friends. I have people I played with, but once I would move again we never kept in touch. When I move to MKE I didn't even tell my friends. That is something I deeply regret. Lesson learned I am taking every opportunity to enjoy the time remaining. I know I am not saying goodbye forever. These friends are people I have had by my side for a number of years, and I will always stand by theirs.  I am so grateful to have found so many wonderful people who have forever had an impact on my life.

All that said... I am really excited to be moving. I really like Mankato so far. It's small, yet has all the stores and things we like. Everyone is super friendly, they call it Minn. nice for a reason. Plus I am thrilled to start the new job. This is all such a strange combination of excitement and sadness. I will deeply miss this city and the people in it. Thank goodness for technology. I know we will stay in touch. Plus it's only a five hour drive to come back and visit. 

One chapter comes to an end and another one begins... here is to a good chapter.

Wait...what...huh.... I did it???

Well, well, well.... This was a crazy way to get here, but looks like it has finally happened. I got the job!  This August I will start my new job as an assistant professor. HA!

I can't help but to laugh. This has been an insane year. Here is the best illustration.

See I thought you would go to grad school, get the degree and ride on into a job. HA HA HA! Oh noooo. First you must have chaos with your entire dissertation committee. Then you get a visiting job (YAY!) You gain momentum and then have that swift kick to the head when the provost changes the job and you are no longer needed, in May no less. To late to apply now so you take a high school job. This will teach you SOOOOO much about teaching, relating to students, the future of education, as well as what you REALLY want to do. Along the way you will keep applying to jobs. Having your materials for the job apps reviewed by as many people as you can was indeed the BEST IDEA EVER!  You get calls, campus visits, and lots of second place finishes. But here is where you CANNOT GIVE UP. The academic path is FULL of people who will NOT cheer you on. It seems far more people in the world want to convince you that you cannot achieve that goal. We all face disappointment and rejection. What I have read and learned so far is that for many reasons the rejection we face in academia hurts even more. That least it has been for me.

Not so much when I get a paper rejected, that I know is subjective. I can take that sting and quickly move on. (Note: It still stings, but it's part of the process.) But not getting the job... that hurt was the worst. TEARS and depression where pretty common place this last year. BUT the greatest lesson was learned in that dark and dank oubliette.

You have to find yourself and find the ability to fly WITHOUT a school or job to propel you. Listen to the loved ones and others around you who tell you they believe in you. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.  Once you can do that.. THEN you will find that you held the key all along and now the door will open.

I admit there is still a LONG journey before me.  However, I do know that no matter what, not that I know how to fly on my own... I will never be caged again. I will do everything I can to always fly free. Yes departments will have expectations, and I hope to have other areas of my life take off (IE babies), but knowing that I have found A key to happiness is a great feeling. This might not be THE key, but it is a great key for now.

I am so excited for this path and I really feel like I am finally flying. Now... time to learn how to SOAR!

Seeking peace

I have survived! I am officially no longer a high school teacher. Although I did discover I could in fact be a great English teacher (a HUGE SHOCK TO ME!) I am not sure I was given the patients to do it. What I do want to do is devote my time and talent for teaching at the college level. I keep reading blogs and articles about how "bad" college students are and I have to wonder if this idea is simply because we have too many people in academia who are not really dedicated to the craft of teaching. I say this from observation. I know MANY people who got their PhD not because they wanted to teach, but because they wanted to research. Or worse they didn't know what else to do, so they kept going to school.

I on the other hand have ALWAYS wanted to teach. Its who I am. Teaching is not easy. You MUST be able to be flexible. You must think about how to best meet your students where they are. I agree high schools and grade schools are no longer preparing kids for college. BUT, I also know that this has very little to do with the teachers. Yes some teachers suck. The bigger issue however is the amount of bureaucracy that is getting in the way of teachers.

I love the idea of common core standards. Yet HATE the crazy level of testing those kids have to go through. They are not taught to think, they are taught to master short term memorization for a test. This does not help anyone. College professors need to see that the basics might be there, but it will be our job to teach them to think. From what I have seen, students DO want to be challenged. They DO want to apply knowledge and see how things work. Up until now they have not really had that chance to apply ideas, because schools are not encouraged to teach those skills to students. Sure application is on the CCS (common core standards) yet teachers know that this skill is not really applicable on an online multiple choice test. So they teach the test. This breaks my heart, but at the same time it ignites a passion to keep going.

One day I want to do something big. I want to be in a position where I can rupture the school system. I am not sure HOW to do it. Not even sure where to start. But that doesn't matter, I will keep looking. I will keep thinking about these issues. I will keep fighting for the job that will provide the security that I can focus more attention to this. Suddenly all my previous experience seems to make sense. The work I have done on social justice issues. The year I just finished working in a high school. The years of working with and mentoring youth. I desire to work at a university that values teaching and community. I see the path. Now I just need to be let our of this cage, and let free to DO something.

Seasons of Change

Oh how times have changed, yet stayed the same. It was this time last year that I felt completely unsure of who I was. My job was given to someone else, I had no job prospects, and had lost my sense of self. Today, I still don't have "the job" locked up, but I am closer. Over the coarse of the year I have cried, laughed, worried, and some how found new hope.

What amazes me the most is the fact that even two years after grad school I am still "recovering". I remember people telling me that you know you are "successful when you cannot hold a normal conversation", but i didn't realize just how HORRIBLE a measure of success that is. I knew grad school would change me, but I never knew how much. I knew I would see the world differently. I knew I would grow as a person. Yet I never thought it would cause some of the damage it did. Let me elaborate.

When I started grad school, and really even before I started, I worried A LOT that I was not smart enough. I was never really told that I was smart growing up. In fact I was held back in first grade because I "had a learning disability".  Few years later I am not "learning disabled", instead they tell me I'm "gifted". HA!  Funny how that all works. The problem is when you tell a kid they are slow for a number of years it's hard to ever shake that voice. So grad school becomes a cesspool of comparison and feeling that at any moment you will be found out (it's called imposter syndrom. Didn't find that out until the last year. That would have been good to know). Two years after graduating with my PhD I have FINALLY rid myself of that idea. I have found the ability to see that I do have great ideas and have the ability to do great things. I just have to advocate for myself and find my path.

I went to grad school because I wanted to teach at the college level. I LOVE teaching. Yet, part of grad school is research, and for me it was not long before I also found a love for research. Coined by a few friends my "research highs" are both thrilling and scary. I can get so drawn into what I am doing that the entire world seems to stop moving. Then it speeds up and I can't move fast enough. I LOVE those moments. The problem is that in academia research has restrictions. It only counts if it is in the "right" journals and focuses on theory. I was told early on "You will never find a job as an applied scholar". Here's my issue with that mentality... the work I want to do needs to be USED! I want to help rupture perceptions of risk.  I can't accomplish anything if the only people reading my work are professors. I need to publish in journals that might be read by people who can use it. I am an applied scholar. I want to apply the theories that we use in communication. I value them and want to help organizations and community health organizers understand how to reach the communication goals they have.

Knowing that to do what I loved required a PhD I did my best to learn and prepare as much as I could. I even started thinking about the job path in my masters program. I had a plan. I had goals. I met them all. Yet two years and a seven page CV later I have have four campus visits and four "silver medals". People look at my materials and are "so impressed". I am told I have enough publications to already have tenure. I am told I am FANTASTIC during the interview. Yet still no job! I know I'm not alone. I am told many people are in the same boat. So how does one get to their destination? No one seems to have any useful advice. Well that is besides... DON"T adjunct.

I'm told you should do anything but don't become "just" an Adjunct. Yeah.... so I agree adjuncting pays HORRIBLY, and you have no stability. No it's not what I want forever, yet the alternatives.... are not really an option. I tried teaching high school. After all that is what everyone says you should do if you don't land a college job. Although I am told I am actually really good at it, I was miserable MOST of the time. What I loved.... was the stuff I would be doing with my college kids. The mentoring, helping them think about career paths, lesson planning, and mediating discussion (which RARELY happens at the HS level). I can do that in a full time job or by adjunting. The advantage to not being locked in a full time gig.... I can research what ever I want.

It's all part of this path, yet no one seems to talk about it. I have to wonder how much of this is new with the "current market horrors". I wonder how long this will last.

This said... I still have hope. They say the college path is NOT easy, the rejection we receive hits deeper than almost any other. You have to be determined. I am. I will achieve this goal. I know that I am a great teacher, it is my gift and passion. I know that the research I want to do could be great. I just need a chance to do it.

This year has taught me sooo much. I see sooo many things about myself, the world of academics and that world as a whole differently. It was painful, but I have grown.