Must be more like Buddha!

I have to say that after the year I had maybe this quote is more true that I would like to admit. This time last year I was a mess. I was constantly thinking and worried about why I wasn't hearing about jobs. As a result.... I was followed by dark clouds of worry and strife. This year while I am still a little concerned, I am not consumed by it. This year I am seeking BALANCE in my life. Balance not only in how I spend my time but also within my mind. 

I understand now that everything starts there, in my mind. I have always taught my students about self fulfilling prophecies and now it is time I practice it. The idea is that if you have a positive outlook on a situation then you are more likely to experience positive things. When you come into a situation with a negative outlook, you look for the bad. I will choose to look for the good in the experiences I have. What am I learning and gaining from my time as a high school teacher?  If I keep only focusing on the negative aspects... it's only going to set me up to be miserable.

As I mentioned in my last post I have to accept that I cannot control what happens in life. All I can control is how I react to it. I will not get interviews with every place I apply. Even if I do get an interview that doesn't mean I will get the job. I have probably grown a bit bitter, or maybe it's just being realistic. There are so many people trying to get jobs in academia and there are so few to be had. However, I know this is where I am supposed to be. I LOVE my job as a scholar. Yes I can be a scholar with or without a school as an affiliation. However I cannot be a mentor without classes to teach. I have learned this year that mentorship is SOOOO important to me.

Working one on one, assisting in the development of ideas, troubleshooting research issues. I love it all. I really think that one day I will be a great masters adviser. Maybe even a PhD parent. I take such pride in seeing my kids (students) achieve their goals. For me there is little better than getting that call or email telling me they reached their goal. Or the moments when they struggle and struggle to get something and then pop, they get it. Yeah yeah yeah, I know I can have those moments as a high school teacher as well, and I have had a few moments like that. Maybe I just need to give it more time, but I miss the fit I had at the college level. I just always felt a far more natural fit at the university.

All in all I have no control in where I will be. I have some options to consider, and that is about as close to in control as I can be. And to be honest, I am ok with it. Of course I would LOVE to be in more control, but this year I am ready to not be. I have HONESTLY let it go. What happens will happen. OK. I trust the higher powers that have a bigger plan for me. I have already learned so much and I have grown as a person, and that is the goal I am sure.

Everyday we should be learning and growing. I am so lucky and blessed that I have people in my life that push me and believe in me more than I do myself. But, today I am believing in myself a bit more. I know I have great things to offer a school and their students. No matter where I will be teaching, I will give it my best. It will all work out. I will be clam and positive. I will let my mind be pure, and hope that joy will follow.

I will fly again!

A year in review....

Well... here we are a few days before the start of a new year. What can I say... it was a LONG year full of tears, pain, and some joy. Needless to say I am very much looking forward to closing this chapter and beginning anew. Yet before this new year begins I think it will be smart of me to look back, count the many blessings, and acknowledge the lessons I learned. SO instead of a month by month recap (which was the initial plan) I think it will be more beneficial to focus on the lessons themselves.

Lesson NO. 1: We DO NOT control life, all we can do is participate.
I have to acknowledge that I didn't come up with this on my own, instead I heard it from a very wise and funny Wayan brother. He mentioned this idea in an interview with Oprah and it really stuck. I have been trying to control things for a few years and I see now that all it did was stress me out. I CAN"T control it all. There I said it. Would I like to be able to ... yup. I am a type A person. I admit it and I am not sure how much I want that to change that, but what I HAVE to let go of is the stress connected to things I have NO control over.

For example, this time last year I was terrified that I would not get to keep my job at Carroll. Well .... I didn't get to. It HURT, bad. I fell into a deep depression and summer of 2013 SUCKED. I NEVER want to feel that way again, yet I have learned from that experience. For starters I learned to trust that everything will work out. God provided for me in so many ways. First I was able to find the financial security we needed, but more on that in a min. Second I found parts of me that had been LONG forgotten. I started really reading again. I rediscovered my love and passion for art. I took a really hard look at who I am, and who I want to be.

When I lost, NO when my time at Carroll "ended" (I am still there, just not full time) I was terrified I would never get to teach. I am a teacher with every ounce of my being. No doubt. Nothing gives me more joy than helping my student get a difficult concept or watching a class get so into a discussion that I do nothing more than offer a point or two as means of directing the conversation. I have always known I loved teaching, but when you are faced with idea that you might not be able to do what you love.... i'm not sure how to describe the pain I felt. I hurt about as much as loosing my mother when I was nine. HOWEVER, God put me on this earth to teach. It was the challenge from God that I made me make a call and in the end take an offer to teach high school.

To be honest some days I HATE this job. It is by far the hardest job I have ever had. I have cried a LOT. I have felt so sick that I fear not being able to make it to work. Yet, I am told I am great at what I do. My students (well many) seem to really like me as a teacher. I get them, and they get me. I am able to get many to see connections I am not sure others have provided. I am not convinced I am making a huge difference, which is always my fear as a teacher. I love college because you can SEE it. It is so much easier to see and hear from students that you had an impact. High school seems very different. But it's not about me, and it shouldn't be. All I can do it try and keep going. I am not sure what will happen next year, but if God asks me to keep going I will do my best. Which I guess leads me to another lesson.

Lesson NO. 2: All you can do is try. 

God never said we had to be perfect. In fact I am pretty sure perfect doesn't exist. I have tried to be as perfect as I could be, but that is STUPID. No one expects me to be perfect, so why do I freak about it. All I can do is give it my best. Some lessons that I plan will be great, others for what ever reason will blow up. That is life!

As long as I am giving my best effort it will be ok. I cannot let my fear of making mistakes imprison or stop me.

Am I a size 6, NOT A CHANCE. But I have lost a good number of the grad school pounds, about 10 in total. Should I take off more, sure that would be great. Do I need to kill myself to do it. NOPE. My husband finds me sexy and tries to get in my pants on a daily basis. SO why should I care that society might think I am chubby. FUCK IT. 

Lesson NO. 3: ANYTHING can happen, so be ready.

I think the biggest thing I have learned this year is just to be open for anything. I was pushed out of the tree that I loved and was comfortable in. For a while I felt like a baby bird with her head in a hole on the ground. Then (with some help) I was taken out of the hole and was left hoping around on the ground. I have not yet figured out how to soar, but I have flown a few times. I know I CAN fly. I just need to keep trying. Maybe it will be a college breeze that lifts my wings and helps to carry me over the trees and sea. OR maybe it will be that I find my wings growing stronger as a high school teacher. Regardless I will FLY. I will find my way. I just have to keep flapping my wings. When I get tiered... I need to rest. I need to accept that this is not going to be easy. Nothing worth doing is EVER easy. My dissertation was a painful project, yet it did it. I never thought I was smart enough to get a PhD, yet... here I am. This year has reminded me that I still have LOTS to learn. I hope I never feel as if I have nothing left to learn.

Lesson NO 4: Friends and a support system is VITAL!

Without my husband, friends, and my family I am not sure how I could have survived this year. Derek was such a blessing. Not only did he, and still does, do his very best to keep me smiling no matter how bleak I thought the world looked, but he also let me cry and just be. Was he always helpful.... well most of the time. ;)  But by in large he has NEVER given up on me. He believes in me far more than I believe in myself most days. He sees such greatness in me. I am SOOO lucky to have people like that.

Many of my friends also see more in me than I do. I have to think this is the case for most of us. I know I seem to see more in my friends than they are able to see. I guess that is the whole point of having friends. They let you bitch, and cry, and complain; then they pick you up and help you see all that you have missed. We get so lost in our own fears, pain, and expectations that we miss so much. A good support system will not let you keep focused on the dark. A real friend and in my case I have TWO (Ali and Sherry) always help you find the light. These two beautiful, brilliant, and bitchy women NEVER let go. They call me out on my crap when I need it, make me laugh when I all I want to do is cry, and they are the best friends I could ever ask for. They know me better than anyone, and because of that I can't get anything past them.

Lastly I have my faith. I know not everyone connects with a higher power, but I have to. Life always seem far more impossible when I loose sight of the bigger purpose, not that I know what that is. Yet I feel like if as long as I TRY and make this world a little better than yesterday I have done my job. I can't change the world by myself. BUT maybe... JUST maybe I can shine a light that will set someone else to do the same. If we all shine our lights this darkness can be lifted.

Soo...... 
It's been a long year. I have been challenged, stretched, and I have grown. My family welcomed our first niece and a week later they lost their house in a tornado. I lost my job, but found a whole new possibility, as well as pieces of me I had forgotten about.  I am VERY ready to say goodbye to 2013, however I am grateful for every moment. I would not be who I am today without the trials of yesterday. I am stronger and more determined than ever before. Did I see this path coming... NOPE. Can I control what will be in store in 2014... NOPE. Do I need to be... NOPE. (I write with an enormous smile stretched across my face). I don't have to know what will happen, all I can do is be willing to move and fly when the wind picks up my wings. My mantra this past year (and from now no.... alis volat propriis!!!!  I will fly again! I will soar and lead others to fly with me, but first I have to build up my strength. I think once I get going it might be a LONG flight so I better keep practicing. BRING IT ON 2014!

M.

The Epic Tale of a.... HIGH SCHOOL teacher???

Yup you read that correctly. I have accepted a position as a high school teacher. While it was once a plan of mine..... that plan seemed to be over a LONG time ago. Yes, I have been teaching for 7 years now. Yes, I have also been working with middle and high school youth for over 12 years. HOWEVER, I never really saw this path coming back into my life.

In my head I just thought I would work at a university as a professor. My days filled with advising, prepping classes, and working on research. That path MAY still be in my future, but I can't help but also see myself REALLY liking this new one.

I have always wanted to be a teacher. Ever since I was a kid, literally I would teaching my teddy bears (yes I WAS that kid). I LOVE helping my students get something they didn't see before. To see the world in a whole new way. This is an amazing opportunity to do some real good. Will it pay well...HA!  No one teaches for the money! Will it always be rainbow and puppies... NO. I am sure I will have days and students I want to run away from. Yet that would be true for any job. Regardless of the challenges that lay before me I am excited.

I know some of the people in my life will question if this is a good idea, but surprisingly MANY of the people in my life are supportive of this move. So many of my previous college students have messaged me saying they know I will be great for these kids. My fear is that these kids will not connect with me. Or will not care. I don't want to have my passion for teaching dwindle. Part of this will be on me however. I will need to keep on my toes and always think about HOW I am connecting with the classes. If I am excited and can help them SEE why this information or book is important, I MIGHT have a chance. All I can do is give it my best. That is, after all, what I will be asking of them.

So the plan will be to blog. Hopefully each week. We shall see how that goes. This will be a tale I will tell for ages I am sure. Either the year I nearly lost my mind or it will be the year that changed the direction of my life. WOW those are some extremes.  Who knows, maybe it will be boring, lol. I kinda doubt that. Well hold on, because the year kicks on on Tuesday. This weekend I will relax and try to ready myself.

Please pray for me!  ;)

What a differance a year makes...

This time last year I was working on my dissertation. Worried I would not find a job. My friends were not having to deal with major complications. And I was at camp as the Sr. High Director.

A year later... I am a doctor. DONE with school. I have a job. Many of my friends need whole new levels of support that I try my best to give. And for the 5th year in a row, I am back at camp in a whole new capacity and it is good.

I think I can say I have learned a few things of this past year, but mostly I have leaned a lot about myself.  I have often struggled to see who I am or be able to explain who I want to be. I could come up with things or descriptions of aspects of who I was but never could I see them as a whole. Today I see that a touch clearer. And I have to admit... I like who I am becoming. I think I am a good person. And while I am not the most popular, or the smartest. I know I am loved. I have good friends who I will always be there for and I trust they would be there for me. I have a hubby who even after 8 years still makes me giggle like a school girl and adores me so much that the idea of me leaving for camp for a week makes him come up with every excuse for why I have to stay. I LOVE what I do. I am a scholar. I am passionate. I am a NERD! But I am ok with it all.

I have many vices. I admit it. But isn't knowing half the battle. No one is perfect. And no one expects me to be perfect. So when I goof I can say, hey I goofed. But that is not always easy. But life is not easy.

I pray camp this week is great. Great kids, discussions, events, everything. But mostly I hope that I am able to connect with my kids as others have connected with me in my past years of camp. I know from first hand experience how important these camps can be and I love to be here.

I did it!

It has been a long time coming. But it is done. I am a doctor. I can't believe it.

A few weeks ago was the defense. Then came final revisions. Then printing, signing, and depositing. Now I just wait a few more days til graduation. In the mean time I get to try and have this all sink in.

My time at UWM is done. Teaching for 6 years, classes, meetings, all of it. I do have a job so I will continue teaching which is awesome. Not to mention the fact that I get to teach at a university that I love with people I respect and adore. I am so excited to be starting this new chapter in my career. But it doesn't yet seem real. I am having brief moments of giddiness and others of anxiety. I think, "don't I need to grade"... nope. "Oh I need to work on those ..." nope. I do have a few things I want to get out this summer but for a few weeks... I am taking time off. But if you have read any of my posts you might have figured out I am not that great at relaxing. I suffer from work related guilt. I always think that sitting around is bad but I have learned this past year that sometimes you NEED to have a day off. And that if you let your brain rest a bit each day you do better work in the end. So the goal for the future is to find balance. Some days yes work will dominate but I will need to keep seeking balance.

Not sure what this next will look like besides a lot of teaching and looking for another new job (since my current one is only a one year gig.)  But I am excited and hopeful. We will see how long this lasts.   

The end is almost here...

It has been 4 years since I started this journey and now I am almost done with my PhD. WHAT THE HECK! The dissertation is turned in I have lost 5 pounds in a week, who knew crying that much could make you loose weight. Needless to say it has been an arduous process. This week alone has been awful. We go from feeling pretty confidant, to thoroughly confused to pissed off, to feeling like there is no hope, back to pissed off, and finally more confidant than ever before. Did I mention that was just Monday - Thursday.

But in the end I feel more ready now than i have before. I know I can defend what I did and I will honestly say I am proud of the work I did. I love my dissertation. I love what I got to say in it. I still want to do more with it and with the interviews I conducted. I would do a lot differently but I know that. I now know that I can do this. I finally feel smart enough to have a PhD after my name. I still have work to do and I know my writing still has a lot of room to grow but I also know I have come a LONG way. My writing will never be perfect. I will always need my friends to proof things for me. I hope to work on this, and I know I need to. But progress has been made. Heck, I have not put any asses in my papers in a long time. IN other news I have a job. And while it is only a one year visiting job it is at the school I love and hope to be able to stay at for a while. I adore my students and I love how they challenge me. I have really found this past year how much I love teaching. And I think I am a good teacher (when i am not distracted by evil the dissertation process, or job hunting). Most of my students enjoy the classes I teach and I recognize that I will not be everyone's' favorite. I am not going to be able to reach every starfish, and I have to be OK with that. If I can make a difference to a few then I at least made a difference to them.

So as I sit here with my sweet cat on my lap I can't help but to think over the last four years. It has been one heck of a ride full of hard work, lots of tears, feeling like it would never end, but also a LOT of laughter with friends. I have made a few friends during this journey that I hope will never fade away. The have been my support, sanity (and cause for insanity at times), and have pushed me to see myself differently. I am so grateful for the support my hubby and friends have given me. I have been a pain in the ass, I know that, but they have stuck by my side. I love them all soo much for that. I still have the defense on Monday and lots of revisions to complete but the end is close. I can see a lot more light than dark now and that is a great feeling.

How did we get here....

Yesterday was my 31 birthday. And for the first time I was not very excited. In the beginning I thought it was because in comparison to other events coming this year this was small. I will graduate in Three months. My sister in law is getting married (and I love her and the soon to be brother in law). I might be moving. I might be starting a new job (if someone would ever call me). But then there are so many other issues that also dampened any excitement. Mostly it was the stress of finishing this dissertation, and trying to be a good teacher; but then there is the matter of not knowing what to say or do when you have a friend hurting. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago one of my dearest friends found out that her adviser was sick. A little time passes and we discover that she is not just sick but that she has Stage IV Lung cancer. And here is were the words fail me. My mother died of leukemia and that was the most painful thing I have ever had to watch or experience. Yet while watching a mother and having your adviser battle a similar monster may seem worlds apart there is something you must understand. I was nine when my mother died, and my friend has been working with her adviser for 8 years. And this relationship is vital to a PhD student. At this level we joke that your adviser is your academic parent. They help you find your research legs and teach you to walk down the halls of academia, they teach you how to speak the language. They mentor you, listen to you cry and laugh, and if you are lucky are there anytime you need them. Even when we are not sitting in the office with our advisers, like the lessons of our parents, they still have a voice in our heads. Always guiding us on what we need to do. But to be honest unless you have walked this path I am not sure anyone can understand.

I hurt for my friend. And I do what I can but the only thing I want to do is fix it. I am a fixer or at least I try and help come up with ways to rethink a situation. But how do you fix or reframe this? You can't, all you can do is say I am here for you.

The other moisture on my excitement is also the fact that I still have not heard anything about jobs. I have 8 applications still floating in the land of "will you like me" and have only received ONE out and out rejection letter. The other three I have gotten where "we hired someone else". Those I seem to be much easier to accept. The ones say "we will not even consider you"... hurt! But needless to say this waiting process is NOT fun and I am not doing that great with it. Here is what I know in my head to be true:
1. Everyone around me seems to think I have nothing to worry about.
2. The perfect job for me is out there somewhere, I might not what it is yet.
3. I have worked my butt of and should be proud of what I have accomplished (which I am)

BUT... it is hard not to worry. I am trying, I really am. I want to just find peace in the process and let it go. But for some reason I can't. I feel like a looser. I know I should not compare myself to others and where they are applying but to hear that other people (who you think (know) do not work as hard as you do) get interviews... it sucks. Yes I know they are not applying to the same types of schools, and yes I get that they have allies that have friends at other schools who might be getting them in. But the wait is driving me bonkers. But then I have to think... is there anything I can do about it.... NOPE! All I can do is wait and work on the things I do have control over. So that is what I try and do. Most days I am successful this past Monday... not so much.

So here we sit. Feeling as if we have very little control (a problem for a control freak). The world seems to be reminding me that it is funny to think we have any control. Because in the grand scheme of things... we really don't.