The Negitive Effects of Grad School

Today we have reached a new level. I have known that grad school was bad for your health in a number of ways however i never would have guessed that it can also be bad for your pet's health as well. Let me explain. Yup time for another list.




Top 10 reasons grad school is hazardous to your (or your cat's) health

10. Your eyesight will diminish. I am told I am one prescription away from needing bifocals. (guess who has not been to the eye doctor in two years....).

9. Healthy Eating habits... out the window. I have regained a little bit of this. But I have still gained a lot of weight. My Doc asks me why and I just look at him and say... stupid grad school.

8. Somedays you are too busy to shower. Or just forget. Thank God for body spray and dry shampoo!

7. Time to work out, do yoga, GONE. Which does not help combat the levels of coffee and other crap you ingest at 2:00am.

6. Sleep... HA! Now I am good about sleeping because I am a mean zombie when I am sleep deprived. I would make the wost zombie from the Walking Dead look like a kitten. SO to spare the wold I get at least 5 hours a sleep a night. You're welcome.

5. Drinking the vats of coffee everyday has made my stomach hate me. Good thing I like tea and can still manage to have one cup of coffee in the morning or the zombification would also occur. Again... you're welcome.

4.Nearly every semester, once the semester is over, you will get sick. I did pretty good this last term but every other one... bed ridden for a few days.

3. Once upon a time I had a social life. Full of friends and supportive people. But then I went to grad school. No time for hanging out, no one wants to talk about your projects all day long and you forget how to socialize with non academic folk. SO soon... you are left with a FEW friends who are sent from heaven and understand that you cannot call them from Sept. - December and Feb. - May.

2. Due to the stress one feels additional relationships will also suffer. Husbands will commonly be sexually ignored, yelled at for reasons they do not understand, and cried on at a moments notice. I am the luckiest girl in the world that I husband has not left me but I wouldn't have blamed him if he wanted to. I might have left myself if I knew how.

And finally....

1. Your stress level can get soo high that it not only effects you and those who have to see you.. but if it gets high enough your poor cat may have to be put on kitty prozac to help them cope. So wish I was kidding. My sweet furry baby has been having some behavior issues and the only thing left to try is kitty prozac to help her anxiety. My stress has driven my cat looney.

So if you are reading this and still think ooh grad school will be fun. Run to your local mental hospital and check yourself in. It will be pretty close to grad school and you will not have to pay as much.

These are a few of my favorite things

After finishing yet another pile of grading I treated myself to a fresh molasses cookie. It had been years since I had had one but I knew I just had to this year. And now that I did... I think this will be a new annual cookie. I love the chewy texture and the warmth of the ginger and sweetness of the molasses. But more than anything it takes me back to fond memories of my childhood. As I have mentioned before I do not have many memories of my childhood but I seem to have a number of ones surrounding Christmas. So since I am sitting here thinking through so many of them I thought I should write them down.

1. Making cookies with my mom. She taught me that eating cookie dough was awesome. (now we know that is a no no... but I still eat a little).

2. Grandpa's Molasses cookies. Always a favorite and takes me back to my childhood with one bite.

3. Watching A Christmas Story with my family. I still watch this movie MANY times from Nov. to January. I simply can't turn it off.

4. Driving around a looking at Christmas lights. I still remember being about 5 or 6 and my parents driving us all over the place looking at the lights and then coming home to see Santa had arrived. Still not sure how they worked that one.

5. Favorite Christmas gifts.... Cricket Doll (she talked and had tons of outfits. Now I think she was kinda creepy). ALF stuffed animal (my grandfather and I would watch that show all the time and he got me the stuffed ALF. I would give anything to have that again.). My first Li Bien Ornament (these are super cool glass ornaments that are painted from the inside with tiny brushes. My Grandma Campbell got me my first one and now I get one for my Mother in Law and SIL every year.). My Audrey Hepburn collection. (My hubby has found 13 of my favorite person's movies. LOVE Audrey so much, and I love Derek for always finding me new ones).

I am sure there are a few more but these are a good start. I love this time of year and it always makes me grateful. I take time to sit in the quiet of the night look at my Christmas tree and just enjoy the peace and stillness. I have soo much to be grateful for and I know I have lots more ahead of me. But for tonight... nothing else matters. Just my family, my memories, and the love I have been blessed with.

Through the looking glass and back!

WOW where has the time gone. This semester and PhD journey has been passing by so quickly I hardly remember to eat let along document the experience.

But as this semester rushes to a finish I have to step back and think. WOW. We have all come so far. I know I look back at who I was when I began this program and never in a million years did I think I would evolve the way I have. Not only my writing, but the way I think about things. This has been such an experience. But the ride is not over.

Many job applications are in. I was able to meet with a few people at NCA. And now we wait! I hate waiting. To much time for my head to ruminate. To many doors are open inviting self doubt to creep in. My peers see a confident version of me and I just can't see it. I feel as if my looking glass shows me one version and something else to everyone around me. Don't get me wrong I am proud of the work I have done and I am able to see I have done a lot! I would be a fool not to see that I have come a long way. But I just can't see what everyone else seems to see. But this seems to be the case my whole life.

For now I work on the dissertation that I do LOVE. She is a jaberwocky beast, but right now I have made friends with her.

Time flies when you are finding your way.

I have always used the metaphor of my life being a labyrinth. There is a goal, a castle, that I am fighting to find my way towards. Characters that come in and out of the story. Some intending to help, while others are simply there to distract and lead us back to the beginning. We each have choices to make, doors to pick from, and sometimes we pick correctly and think to ourselves man this is a piece of cake. But then... we look at the clock and see that we have less time then planned and still have miles to go.

I love this metaphor and find it fitting for the experience of working towards this PhD. I am now in the final year of this program and I see the castle in front of me. It is bigger then I thought it would be but I cannot quite make out the name or land for which it exists. In other words I am now applying for jobs but I have no clue where I end up or what state I will be living in. For me this is the scariest part of the journey. Prior to this I had my cohort for companionship, but many of them are lost in their own worlds slaying dragons (advisers or proposals) and trying to find their own path. For none of us will share the same trail. It would be great if we did, however we each have a unique goal to achieve. And each of us will get there at our own time.

This final stretch of the maze is also terrifying because before we enter the gates of the castle we have to find all of the doors. I have found many but I have not yet found anyone to offer me a key to see if I fit in the door. I hope to have at least one key but what if I receive a keyring full of them. In the end you must only pick one door to walk through. One job to take. However if I do take the wrong job it is not like I will be eaten by some three headed animal, but I might fall into a dark pit of despair.

Yet still we walk the path. I write chapters and try to keep an eye out for more doors and opportunities. From time to time I am able to meet up with my companions for a brief stretch. Luckily I am not alone. I do have my partner and support. My husband has been so great. Sometimes he acts like a fool but in the end in the times when I cannot walk another step he rests with me or carries me until it is safe to rest.

It has been a long journey and I know that in the end this will not be the last castle I seek. I feel I have many more labyrinths to concur. However once I defeat this one.... I feel I will have a bit more confidence. That is if the jabberwocky does not destroy me first.

People Change... God knows I did!

A few years ago I posted blogs about being excited and scared. I remember the days when I didn't think I was smart enough to do any of this. I was not smart enough to get a PhD. I was not talented enough to direct youth programs. And I had no idea I would be trusted to do the work I do with my HIV clients. But here I am... Kristi was right. My life would change.

Let me explain.

Once upon a time a scared girl found out she was going to go to grad school. The previous year she had thought she knew what track she would be taking. But all this changed when she took a persuasion class. Another class challenged her to think about what it was that she looked for in a career and in life. Upon further exploration it became clear, she LOVED to teach and to learn. Clearly her path was only beginning.

When I found out I got in to my MA program I remember asking two of my mentors, "do you really think I am smart enough to do this?" I was not fishing, I was truly worried I was not going to be. One of them told me it was not about being smart enough, that was never a question, the true test was the determination and motivation. She told me that I had more of both in my pinky toe then most people she had taught. Another mentor told me a similar tale but what I remember the most of her conversation was that she warned me I would change. I would not be the same girl who would leave that school.

Five years, an MA, and 3 years of a PhD later... man was she right. I am not the same girl. Heck, I'm not sure I am the same girl I was a year ago. I sit here tonight with a clear head, confident that I am on the right track. Am I stressed... HA you know the answer to that. Do I hate grad school sometimes...um...I think you know the answer to that as well. But do I still worry I'm not smart enough... Not any more. I found my confidence. Well... I found it in my field.

When it comes to Health Communication, HIV, or STD prevention stuff. I am your girl. I am methodologically promiscuous (or as a few friends call me a methods hooker!) I LOVE mixing methods but I am truly a qualitative jr. scholar. I still have a lot to learn, and I am not sure I will ever really feel like I have learned enough. But I am beginning to think that maybe that is whole drive for life. If I ever thought I knew it all... I would get board. This way... something is always keeping me on my toes.

I am sure this all sounds cheesy and maybe it is. But this is a very rare feeling for me. And I hope that maybe if anyone else is reading this that it might help them have hope that things can change. My dad always told me I could do anything I wanted as long as I followed what I was passionate about. I didn't always know what really drove me but I was smart enough to see glimmers of it in classes I took or jobs I had. We all have things we truly love to do, the question is simply are you willing to go for them. It has been a LONG and HARD road. I am not even done but I have changed. I am still a bit scared about this up coming year and what it will hold but... I have faith and a new found confidence.

I like the changes so far... and right now... I am looking forward to the next ones.

And it all becomes too real.

As I have mentioned in past posts I LOVE what I research. SO much so that in my free time (used loosely) I volunteer at an HIV clinic. As part of this work I test for HIV, counsel HIV clients including giving both negative and positive results. Negative results are often fun filled with smiles and sometimes hugs. Yet positives are tough. This weekend especially was really tough. Every year I volunteer at a PRIDE festival where we test hundreds of people. This year... almost 500 in three days. In the process 6 positive cases were identified. Thus, thanks to a background in communication and being the clinic's state contact for new infections, I had the task of telling each of these people that they might have HIV. Some where not surprised, others were shocked, and one.... fell into my arms in tears.

While many of my clients stories are imprinted into my head, and heart, this is one that I am sure I will never forget. A few years older then me and scared to death. Terrified that he would die before repairing a 16 year feud with his parents. Scared he would have no one to turn to, and confused as to how a man who has only had two partners could contract HIV. It breaks my heart. He was convinced that I had given him a death sentence. Which is not at all the case. Would his life be forever changed, yes. But with today's treatments he will happily live for a very long time.

Needless to say I do love what I do and I am so grateful that I am in a place where I can help people, but man it just sucks the life out of you. I am so happy the clinic is closed the next two days. I need a week off, that is for sure. But my work with these clients is not done. Next will be check in phone calls to see how they are holding up and to remind them that they have support. Then meetings next week when we get the confirmatory tests back and we know for sure it's HIV and how far we are. Then a week later we have contact again to make sure the first doctors appointment were made. All of these for the 7 newest clients (one occurred before the festival even started.)

This career is one that I am grateful for. One that, while it breaks my heart sometimes, gives me so much joy to know that I am able to see the work I do make a small difference. Most of the people I met this past weekend, I know I might never see again. But the few people that took a moment to tell me that they appreciated knowing I cared enough to answer a bunch of questions really means a lot to me. OH and to end on a happier note. Check this out. On Sat. we were closing up for the night and a handful of high school kids come up to ask if they could make a donation. I say OF COURSE and run to the back of the tent to get the box. They continue to tell me they did a bake sale for the clinic and raised $90.00. I was SOOOO excited. These moments make all the hard ones... melt a little.

Today might have been a bit hard, but I will be forever grateful that I get to touch so many lives. I am very blessed.

I don't think I ask for much

REALLY!!!! I ask for one TINY favor and I get crapped on. REALLY!!!! I do things for you all the time. REALLYYY!!!!!! UGH! I dislike people sometimes ESPECIALLY PHONEY people. GRRRR... ok... I am better. I just needed to get that out!

To those of you that have been there for me I love you and thank you for that.

Time to go practice my Italian I think.

Ciao!