Still the imposter

When I was in grad school I remember fighting the fear that I wasn't smart enough to be in grad school. Every paper I turned in I would be filled with trepidation. Worrying that this would be the paper that would seal my fate. I would get called into my professor's office, and there I would be told I was found out, not good enough, and should find a new career.

Needless to say it never happened.

When I graduated I thought that would be the end of the negative little voice. I was certain that with the new job it would be ok. Nope.

Today sitting in our department meeting the voice started up again. I am not sure why I have this fear, but I am told it's normal. Not that this helps, much. 

So I sit here, alone. My friends, family, cats, everything I know and love are hours and hours away. I am excited about this opportunity. BUT SCARED out of my mind. I can I REALLY do this? Will my students connect with me like past ones have? Can I get into a rhythm that will help be do what I need to do? Only time will tell.

For now I must stay confident. Or at least keep telling myself I am here for a reason. Everyone tells me it will work out. I only wish I was able to see what they all seem to see.

The Last MKE Chapter

15 years ago I moved to Milwaukee. I kicked, I screamed, I hated my parents for moving me here. Now... I am sad to go. I have experienced SOOOO much in this great city. I met amazing people, ate great food, and found my passion for teaching at the college level.

I read somewhere that only 20% of academics with a PhD get a job in a academia.  That seems low, but not that low. I have a number of friends who have chosen to leave and I can't say I blame them at all. Many have had no bites (mostly English and American Studies peeps) those jobs are gone. My friends in Communication have it better, but for us the field is so saturated with nepotism it isn't even funny.

The greatest thing I take away from Milwaukee will be the friendships. Growing up I moved so much that I never had the chance to really make friends. I have people I played with, but once I would move again we never kept in touch. When I move to MKE I didn't even tell my friends. That is something I deeply regret. Lesson learned I am taking every opportunity to enjoy the time remaining. I know I am not saying goodbye forever. These friends are people I have had by my side for a number of years, and I will always stand by theirs.  I am so grateful to have found so many wonderful people who have forever had an impact on my life.

All that said... I am really excited to be moving. I really like Mankato so far. It's small, yet has all the stores and things we like. Everyone is super friendly, they call it Minn. nice for a reason. Plus I am thrilled to start the new job. This is all such a strange combination of excitement and sadness. I will deeply miss this city and the people in it. Thank goodness for technology. I know we will stay in touch. Plus it's only a five hour drive to come back and visit. 

One chapter comes to an end and another one begins... here is to a good chapter.

Wait...what...huh.... I did it???

Well, well, well.... This was a crazy way to get here, but looks like it has finally happened. I got the job!  This August I will start my new job as an assistant professor. HA!

I can't help but to laugh. This has been an insane year. Here is the best illustration.

See I thought you would go to grad school, get the degree and ride on into a job. HA HA HA! Oh noooo. First you must have chaos with your entire dissertation committee. Then you get a visiting job (YAY!) You gain momentum and then have that swift kick to the head when the provost changes the job and you are no longer needed, in May no less. To late to apply now so you take a high school job. This will teach you SOOOOO much about teaching, relating to students, the future of education, as well as what you REALLY want to do. Along the way you will keep applying to jobs. Having your materials for the job apps reviewed by as many people as you can was indeed the BEST IDEA EVER!  You get calls, campus visits, and lots of second place finishes. But here is where you CANNOT GIVE UP. The academic path is FULL of people who will NOT cheer you on. It seems far more people in the world want to convince you that you cannot achieve that goal. We all face disappointment and rejection. What I have read and learned so far is that for many reasons the rejection we face in academia hurts even more. That least it has been for me.

Not so much when I get a paper rejected, that I know is subjective. I can take that sting and quickly move on. (Note: It still stings, but it's part of the process.) But not getting the job... that hurt was the worst. TEARS and depression where pretty common place this last year. BUT the greatest lesson was learned in that dark and dank oubliette.

You have to find yourself and find the ability to fly WITHOUT a school or job to propel you. Listen to the loved ones and others around you who tell you they believe in you. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.  Once you can do that.. THEN you will find that you held the key all along and now the door will open.

I admit there is still a LONG journey before me.  However, I do know that no matter what, not that I know how to fly on my own... I will never be caged again. I will do everything I can to always fly free. Yes departments will have expectations, and I hope to have other areas of my life take off (IE babies), but knowing that I have found A key to happiness is a great feeling. This might not be THE key, but it is a great key for now.

I am so excited for this path and I really feel like I am finally flying. Now... time to learn how to SOAR!

Seeking peace

I have survived! I am officially no longer a high school teacher. Although I did discover I could in fact be a great English teacher (a HUGE SHOCK TO ME!) I am not sure I was given the patients to do it. What I do want to do is devote my time and talent for teaching at the college level. I keep reading blogs and articles about how "bad" college students are and I have to wonder if this idea is simply because we have too many people in academia who are not really dedicated to the craft of teaching. I say this from observation. I know MANY people who got their PhD not because they wanted to teach, but because they wanted to research. Or worse they didn't know what else to do, so they kept going to school.

I on the other hand have ALWAYS wanted to teach. Its who I am. Teaching is not easy. You MUST be able to be flexible. You must think about how to best meet your students where they are. I agree high schools and grade schools are no longer preparing kids for college. BUT, I also know that this has very little to do with the teachers. Yes some teachers suck. The bigger issue however is the amount of bureaucracy that is getting in the way of teachers.

I love the idea of common core standards. Yet HATE the crazy level of testing those kids have to go through. They are not taught to think, they are taught to master short term memorization for a test. This does not help anyone. College professors need to see that the basics might be there, but it will be our job to teach them to think. From what I have seen, students DO want to be challenged. They DO want to apply knowledge and see how things work. Up until now they have not really had that chance to apply ideas, because schools are not encouraged to teach those skills to students. Sure application is on the CCS (common core standards) yet teachers know that this skill is not really applicable on an online multiple choice test. So they teach the test. This breaks my heart, but at the same time it ignites a passion to keep going.

One day I want to do something big. I want to be in a position where I can rupture the school system. I am not sure HOW to do it. Not even sure where to start. But that doesn't matter, I will keep looking. I will keep thinking about these issues. I will keep fighting for the job that will provide the security that I can focus more attention to this. Suddenly all my previous experience seems to make sense. The work I have done on social justice issues. The year I just finished working in a high school. The years of working with and mentoring youth. I desire to work at a university that values teaching and community. I see the path. Now I just need to be let our of this cage, and let free to DO something.

Seasons of Change

Oh how times have changed, yet stayed the same. It was this time last year that I felt completely unsure of who I was. My job was given to someone else, I had no job prospects, and had lost my sense of self. Today, I still don't have "the job" locked up, but I am closer. Over the coarse of the year I have cried, laughed, worried, and some how found new hope.

What amazes me the most is the fact that even two years after grad school I am still "recovering". I remember people telling me that you know you are "successful when you cannot hold a normal conversation", but i didn't realize just how HORRIBLE a measure of success that is. I knew grad school would change me, but I never knew how much. I knew I would see the world differently. I knew I would grow as a person. Yet I never thought it would cause some of the damage it did. Let me elaborate.

When I started grad school, and really even before I started, I worried A LOT that I was not smart enough. I was never really told that I was smart growing up. In fact I was held back in first grade because I "had a learning disability".  Few years later I am not "learning disabled", instead they tell me I'm "gifted". HA!  Funny how that all works. The problem is when you tell a kid they are slow for a number of years it's hard to ever shake that voice. So grad school becomes a cesspool of comparison and feeling that at any moment you will be found out (it's called imposter syndrom. Didn't find that out until the last year. That would have been good to know). Two years after graduating with my PhD I have FINALLY rid myself of that idea. I have found the ability to see that I do have great ideas and have the ability to do great things. I just have to advocate for myself and find my path.

I went to grad school because I wanted to teach at the college level. I LOVE teaching. Yet, part of grad school is research, and for me it was not long before I also found a love for research. Coined by a few friends my "research highs" are both thrilling and scary. I can get so drawn into what I am doing that the entire world seems to stop moving. Then it speeds up and I can't move fast enough. I LOVE those moments. The problem is that in academia research has restrictions. It only counts if it is in the "right" journals and focuses on theory. I was told early on "You will never find a job as an applied scholar". Here's my issue with that mentality... the work I want to do needs to be USED! I want to help rupture perceptions of risk.  I can't accomplish anything if the only people reading my work are professors. I need to publish in journals that might be read by people who can use it. I am an applied scholar. I want to apply the theories that we use in communication. I value them and want to help organizations and community health organizers understand how to reach the communication goals they have.

Knowing that to do what I loved required a PhD I did my best to learn and prepare as much as I could. I even started thinking about the job path in my masters program. I had a plan. I had goals. I met them all. Yet two years and a seven page CV later I have have four campus visits and four "silver medals". People look at my materials and are "so impressed". I am told I have enough publications to already have tenure. I am told I am FANTASTIC during the interview. Yet still no job! I know I'm not alone. I am told many people are in the same boat. So how does one get to their destination? No one seems to have any useful advice. Well that is besides... DON"T adjunct.

I'm told you should do anything but don't become "just" an Adjunct. Yeah.... so I agree adjuncting pays HORRIBLY, and you have no stability. No it's not what I want forever, yet the alternatives.... are not really an option. I tried teaching high school. After all that is what everyone says you should do if you don't land a college job. Although I am told I am actually really good at it, I was miserable MOST of the time. What I loved.... was the stuff I would be doing with my college kids. The mentoring, helping them think about career paths, lesson planning, and mediating discussion (which RARELY happens at the HS level). I can do that in a full time job or by adjunting. The advantage to not being locked in a full time gig.... I can research what ever I want.

It's all part of this path, yet no one seems to talk about it. I have to wonder how much of this is new with the "current market horrors". I wonder how long this will last.

This said... I still have hope. They say the college path is NOT easy, the rejection we receive hits deeper than almost any other. You have to be determined. I am. I will achieve this goal. I know that I am a great teacher, it is my gift and passion. I know that the research I want to do could be great. I just need a chance to do it.

This year has taught me sooo much. I see sooo many things about myself, the world of academics and that world as a whole differently. It was painful, but I have grown.

Must be more like Buddha!

I have to say that after the year I had maybe this quote is more true that I would like to admit. This time last year I was a mess. I was constantly thinking and worried about why I wasn't hearing about jobs. As a result.... I was followed by dark clouds of worry and strife. This year while I am still a little concerned, I am not consumed by it. This year I am seeking BALANCE in my life. Balance not only in how I spend my time but also within my mind. 

I understand now that everything starts there, in my mind. I have always taught my students about self fulfilling prophecies and now it is time I practice it. The idea is that if you have a positive outlook on a situation then you are more likely to experience positive things. When you come into a situation with a negative outlook, you look for the bad. I will choose to look for the good in the experiences I have. What am I learning and gaining from my time as a high school teacher?  If I keep only focusing on the negative aspects... it's only going to set me up to be miserable.

As I mentioned in my last post I have to accept that I cannot control what happens in life. All I can control is how I react to it. I will not get interviews with every place I apply. Even if I do get an interview that doesn't mean I will get the job. I have probably grown a bit bitter, or maybe it's just being realistic. There are so many people trying to get jobs in academia and there are so few to be had. However, I know this is where I am supposed to be. I LOVE my job as a scholar. Yes I can be a scholar with or without a school as an affiliation. However I cannot be a mentor without classes to teach. I have learned this year that mentorship is SOOOO important to me.

Working one on one, assisting in the development of ideas, troubleshooting research issues. I love it all. I really think that one day I will be a great masters adviser. Maybe even a PhD parent. I take such pride in seeing my kids (students) achieve their goals. For me there is little better than getting that call or email telling me they reached their goal. Or the moments when they struggle and struggle to get something and then pop, they get it. Yeah yeah yeah, I know I can have those moments as a high school teacher as well, and I have had a few moments like that. Maybe I just need to give it more time, but I miss the fit I had at the college level. I just always felt a far more natural fit at the university.

All in all I have no control in where I will be. I have some options to consider, and that is about as close to in control as I can be. And to be honest, I am ok with it. Of course I would LOVE to be in more control, but this year I am ready to not be. I have HONESTLY let it go. What happens will happen. OK. I trust the higher powers that have a bigger plan for me. I have already learned so much and I have grown as a person, and that is the goal I am sure.

Everyday we should be learning and growing. I am so lucky and blessed that I have people in my life that push me and believe in me more than I do myself. But, today I am believing in myself a bit more. I know I have great things to offer a school and their students. No matter where I will be teaching, I will give it my best. It will all work out. I will be clam and positive. I will let my mind be pure, and hope that joy will follow.

I will fly again!

A year in review....

Well... here we are a few days before the start of a new year. What can I say... it was a LONG year full of tears, pain, and some joy. Needless to say I am very much looking forward to closing this chapter and beginning anew. Yet before this new year begins I think it will be smart of me to look back, count the many blessings, and acknowledge the lessons I learned. SO instead of a month by month recap (which was the initial plan) I think it will be more beneficial to focus on the lessons themselves.

Lesson NO. 1: We DO NOT control life, all we can do is participate.
I have to acknowledge that I didn't come up with this on my own, instead I heard it from a very wise and funny Wayan brother. He mentioned this idea in an interview with Oprah and it really stuck. I have been trying to control things for a few years and I see now that all it did was stress me out. I CAN"T control it all. There I said it. Would I like to be able to ... yup. I am a type A person. I admit it and I am not sure how much I want that to change that, but what I HAVE to let go of is the stress connected to things I have NO control over.

For example, this time last year I was terrified that I would not get to keep my job at Carroll. Well .... I didn't get to. It HURT, bad. I fell into a deep depression and summer of 2013 SUCKED. I NEVER want to feel that way again, yet I have learned from that experience. For starters I learned to trust that everything will work out. God provided for me in so many ways. First I was able to find the financial security we needed, but more on that in a min. Second I found parts of me that had been LONG forgotten. I started really reading again. I rediscovered my love and passion for art. I took a really hard look at who I am, and who I want to be.

When I lost, NO when my time at Carroll "ended" (I am still there, just not full time) I was terrified I would never get to teach. I am a teacher with every ounce of my being. No doubt. Nothing gives me more joy than helping my student get a difficult concept or watching a class get so into a discussion that I do nothing more than offer a point or two as means of directing the conversation. I have always known I loved teaching, but when you are faced with idea that you might not be able to do what you love.... i'm not sure how to describe the pain I felt. I hurt about as much as loosing my mother when I was nine. HOWEVER, God put me on this earth to teach. It was the challenge from God that I made me make a call and in the end take an offer to teach high school.

To be honest some days I HATE this job. It is by far the hardest job I have ever had. I have cried a LOT. I have felt so sick that I fear not being able to make it to work. Yet, I am told I am great at what I do. My students (well many) seem to really like me as a teacher. I get them, and they get me. I am able to get many to see connections I am not sure others have provided. I am not convinced I am making a huge difference, which is always my fear as a teacher. I love college because you can SEE it. It is so much easier to see and hear from students that you had an impact. High school seems very different. But it's not about me, and it shouldn't be. All I can do it try and keep going. I am not sure what will happen next year, but if God asks me to keep going I will do my best. Which I guess leads me to another lesson.

Lesson NO. 2: All you can do is try. 

God never said we had to be perfect. In fact I am pretty sure perfect doesn't exist. I have tried to be as perfect as I could be, but that is STUPID. No one expects me to be perfect, so why do I freak about it. All I can do is give it my best. Some lessons that I plan will be great, others for what ever reason will blow up. That is life!

As long as I am giving my best effort it will be ok. I cannot let my fear of making mistakes imprison or stop me.

Am I a size 6, NOT A CHANCE. But I have lost a good number of the grad school pounds, about 10 in total. Should I take off more, sure that would be great. Do I need to kill myself to do it. NOPE. My husband finds me sexy and tries to get in my pants on a daily basis. SO why should I care that society might think I am chubby. FUCK IT. 

Lesson NO. 3: ANYTHING can happen, so be ready.

I think the biggest thing I have learned this year is just to be open for anything. I was pushed out of the tree that I loved and was comfortable in. For a while I felt like a baby bird with her head in a hole on the ground. Then (with some help) I was taken out of the hole and was left hoping around on the ground. I have not yet figured out how to soar, but I have flown a few times. I know I CAN fly. I just need to keep trying. Maybe it will be a college breeze that lifts my wings and helps to carry me over the trees and sea. OR maybe it will be that I find my wings growing stronger as a high school teacher. Regardless I will FLY. I will find my way. I just have to keep flapping my wings. When I get tiered... I need to rest. I need to accept that this is not going to be easy. Nothing worth doing is EVER easy. My dissertation was a painful project, yet it did it. I never thought I was smart enough to get a PhD, yet... here I am. This year has reminded me that I still have LOTS to learn. I hope I never feel as if I have nothing left to learn.

Lesson NO 4: Friends and a support system is VITAL!

Without my husband, friends, and my family I am not sure how I could have survived this year. Derek was such a blessing. Not only did he, and still does, do his very best to keep me smiling no matter how bleak I thought the world looked, but he also let me cry and just be. Was he always helpful.... well most of the time. ;)  But by in large he has NEVER given up on me. He believes in me far more than I believe in myself most days. He sees such greatness in me. I am SOOO lucky to have people like that.

Many of my friends also see more in me than I do. I have to think this is the case for most of us. I know I seem to see more in my friends than they are able to see. I guess that is the whole point of having friends. They let you bitch, and cry, and complain; then they pick you up and help you see all that you have missed. We get so lost in our own fears, pain, and expectations that we miss so much. A good support system will not let you keep focused on the dark. A real friend and in my case I have TWO (Ali and Sherry) always help you find the light. These two beautiful, brilliant, and bitchy women NEVER let go. They call me out on my crap when I need it, make me laugh when I all I want to do is cry, and they are the best friends I could ever ask for. They know me better than anyone, and because of that I can't get anything past them.

Lastly I have my faith. I know not everyone connects with a higher power, but I have to. Life always seem far more impossible when I loose sight of the bigger purpose, not that I know what that is. Yet I feel like if as long as I TRY and make this world a little better than yesterday I have done my job. I can't change the world by myself. BUT maybe... JUST maybe I can shine a light that will set someone else to do the same. If we all shine our lights this darkness can be lifted.

Soo...... 
It's been a long year. I have been challenged, stretched, and I have grown. My family welcomed our first niece and a week later they lost their house in a tornado. I lost my job, but found a whole new possibility, as well as pieces of me I had forgotten about.  I am VERY ready to say goodbye to 2013, however I am grateful for every moment. I would not be who I am today without the trials of yesterday. I am stronger and more determined than ever before. Did I see this path coming... NOPE. Can I control what will be in store in 2014... NOPE. Do I need to be... NOPE. (I write with an enormous smile stretched across my face). I don't have to know what will happen, all I can do is be willing to move and fly when the wind picks up my wings. My mantra this past year (and from now no.... alis volat propriis!!!!  I will fly again! I will soar and lead others to fly with me, but first I have to build up my strength. I think once I get going it might be a LONG flight so I better keep practicing. BRING IT ON 2014!

M.