I did it!

It has been a long time coming. But it is done. I am a doctor. I can't believe it.

A few weeks ago was the defense. Then came final revisions. Then printing, signing, and depositing. Now I just wait a few more days til graduation. In the mean time I get to try and have this all sink in.

My time at UWM is done. Teaching for 6 years, classes, meetings, all of it. I do have a job so I will continue teaching which is awesome. Not to mention the fact that I get to teach at a university that I love with people I respect and adore. I am so excited to be starting this new chapter in my career. But it doesn't yet seem real. I am having brief moments of giddiness and others of anxiety. I think, "don't I need to grade"... nope. "Oh I need to work on those ..." nope. I do have a few things I want to get out this summer but for a few weeks... I am taking time off. But if you have read any of my posts you might have figured out I am not that great at relaxing. I suffer from work related guilt. I always think that sitting around is bad but I have learned this past year that sometimes you NEED to have a day off. And that if you let your brain rest a bit each day you do better work in the end. So the goal for the future is to find balance. Some days yes work will dominate but I will need to keep seeking balance.

Not sure what this next will look like besides a lot of teaching and looking for another new job (since my current one is only a one year gig.)  But I am excited and hopeful. We will see how long this lasts.   

The end is almost here...

It has been 4 years since I started this journey and now I am almost done with my PhD. WHAT THE HECK! The dissertation is turned in I have lost 5 pounds in a week, who knew crying that much could make you loose weight. Needless to say it has been an arduous process. This week alone has been awful. We go from feeling pretty confidant, to thoroughly confused to pissed off, to feeling like there is no hope, back to pissed off, and finally more confidant than ever before. Did I mention that was just Monday - Thursday.

But in the end I feel more ready now than i have before. I know I can defend what I did and I will honestly say I am proud of the work I did. I love my dissertation. I love what I got to say in it. I still want to do more with it and with the interviews I conducted. I would do a lot differently but I know that. I now know that I can do this. I finally feel smart enough to have a PhD after my name. I still have work to do and I know my writing still has a lot of room to grow but I also know I have come a LONG way. My writing will never be perfect. I will always need my friends to proof things for me. I hope to work on this, and I know I need to. But progress has been made. Heck, I have not put any asses in my papers in a long time. IN other news I have a job. And while it is only a one year visiting job it is at the school I love and hope to be able to stay at for a while. I adore my students and I love how they challenge me. I have really found this past year how much I love teaching. And I think I am a good teacher (when i am not distracted by evil the dissertation process, or job hunting). Most of my students enjoy the classes I teach and I recognize that I will not be everyone's' favorite. I am not going to be able to reach every starfish, and I have to be OK with that. If I can make a difference to a few then I at least made a difference to them.

So as I sit here with my sweet cat on my lap I can't help but to think over the last four years. It has been one heck of a ride full of hard work, lots of tears, feeling like it would never end, but also a LOT of laughter with friends. I have made a few friends during this journey that I hope will never fade away. The have been my support, sanity (and cause for insanity at times), and have pushed me to see myself differently. I am so grateful for the support my hubby and friends have given me. I have been a pain in the ass, I know that, but they have stuck by my side. I love them all soo much for that. I still have the defense on Monday and lots of revisions to complete but the end is close. I can see a lot more light than dark now and that is a great feeling.

How did we get here....

Yesterday was my 31 birthday. And for the first time I was not very excited. In the beginning I thought it was because in comparison to other events coming this year this was small. I will graduate in Three months. My sister in law is getting married (and I love her and the soon to be brother in law). I might be moving. I might be starting a new job (if someone would ever call me). But then there are so many other issues that also dampened any excitement. Mostly it was the stress of finishing this dissertation, and trying to be a good teacher; but then there is the matter of not knowing what to say or do when you have a friend hurting. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago one of my dearest friends found out that her adviser was sick. A little time passes and we discover that she is not just sick but that she has Stage IV Lung cancer. And here is were the words fail me. My mother died of leukemia and that was the most painful thing I have ever had to watch or experience. Yet while watching a mother and having your adviser battle a similar monster may seem worlds apart there is something you must understand. I was nine when my mother died, and my friend has been working with her adviser for 8 years. And this relationship is vital to a PhD student. At this level we joke that your adviser is your academic parent. They help you find your research legs and teach you to walk down the halls of academia, they teach you how to speak the language. They mentor you, listen to you cry and laugh, and if you are lucky are there anytime you need them. Even when we are not sitting in the office with our advisers, like the lessons of our parents, they still have a voice in our heads. Always guiding us on what we need to do. But to be honest unless you have walked this path I am not sure anyone can understand.

I hurt for my friend. And I do what I can but the only thing I want to do is fix it. I am a fixer or at least I try and help come up with ways to rethink a situation. But how do you fix or reframe this? You can't, all you can do is say I am here for you.

The other moisture on my excitement is also the fact that I still have not heard anything about jobs. I have 8 applications still floating in the land of "will you like me" and have only received ONE out and out rejection letter. The other three I have gotten where "we hired someone else". Those I seem to be much easier to accept. The ones say "we will not even consider you"... hurt! But needless to say this waiting process is NOT fun and I am not doing that great with it. Here is what I know in my head to be true:
1. Everyone around me seems to think I have nothing to worry about.
2. The perfect job for me is out there somewhere, I might not what it is yet.
3. I have worked my butt of and should be proud of what I have accomplished (which I am)

BUT... it is hard not to worry. I am trying, I really am. I want to just find peace in the process and let it go. But for some reason I can't. I feel like a looser. I know I should not compare myself to others and where they are applying but to hear that other people (who you think (know) do not work as hard as you do) get interviews... it sucks. Yes I know they are not applying to the same types of schools, and yes I get that they have allies that have friends at other schools who might be getting them in. But the wait is driving me bonkers. But then I have to think... is there anything I can do about it.... NOPE! All I can do is wait and work on the things I do have control over. So that is what I try and do. Most days I am successful this past Monday... not so much.

So here we sit. Feeling as if we have very little control (a problem for a control freak). The world seems to be reminding me that it is funny to think we have any control. Because in the grand scheme of things... we really don't.

The Negitive Effects of Grad School

Today we have reached a new level. I have known that grad school was bad for your health in a number of ways however i never would have guessed that it can also be bad for your pet's health as well. Let me explain. Yup time for another list.




Top 10 reasons grad school is hazardous to your (or your cat's) health

10. Your eyesight will diminish. I am told I am one prescription away from needing bifocals. (guess who has not been to the eye doctor in two years....).

9. Healthy Eating habits... out the window. I have regained a little bit of this. But I have still gained a lot of weight. My Doc asks me why and I just look at him and say... stupid grad school.

8. Somedays you are too busy to shower. Or just forget. Thank God for body spray and dry shampoo!

7. Time to work out, do yoga, GONE. Which does not help combat the levels of coffee and other crap you ingest at 2:00am.

6. Sleep... HA! Now I am good about sleeping because I am a mean zombie when I am sleep deprived. I would make the wost zombie from the Walking Dead look like a kitten. SO to spare the wold I get at least 5 hours a sleep a night. You're welcome.

5. Drinking the vats of coffee everyday has made my stomach hate me. Good thing I like tea and can still manage to have one cup of coffee in the morning or the zombification would also occur. Again... you're welcome.

4.Nearly every semester, once the semester is over, you will get sick. I did pretty good this last term but every other one... bed ridden for a few days.

3. Once upon a time I had a social life. Full of friends and supportive people. But then I went to grad school. No time for hanging out, no one wants to talk about your projects all day long and you forget how to socialize with non academic folk. SO soon... you are left with a FEW friends who are sent from heaven and understand that you cannot call them from Sept. - December and Feb. - May.

2. Due to the stress one feels additional relationships will also suffer. Husbands will commonly be sexually ignored, yelled at for reasons they do not understand, and cried on at a moments notice. I am the luckiest girl in the world that I husband has not left me but I wouldn't have blamed him if he wanted to. I might have left myself if I knew how.

And finally....

1. Your stress level can get soo high that it not only effects you and those who have to see you.. but if it gets high enough your poor cat may have to be put on kitty prozac to help them cope. So wish I was kidding. My sweet furry baby has been having some behavior issues and the only thing left to try is kitty prozac to help her anxiety. My stress has driven my cat looney.

So if you are reading this and still think ooh grad school will be fun. Run to your local mental hospital and check yourself in. It will be pretty close to grad school and you will not have to pay as much.

These are a few of my favorite things

After finishing yet another pile of grading I treated myself to a fresh molasses cookie. It had been years since I had had one but I knew I just had to this year. And now that I did... I think this will be a new annual cookie. I love the chewy texture and the warmth of the ginger and sweetness of the molasses. But more than anything it takes me back to fond memories of my childhood. As I have mentioned before I do not have many memories of my childhood but I seem to have a number of ones surrounding Christmas. So since I am sitting here thinking through so many of them I thought I should write them down.

1. Making cookies with my mom. She taught me that eating cookie dough was awesome. (now we know that is a no no... but I still eat a little).

2. Grandpa's Molasses cookies. Always a favorite and takes me back to my childhood with one bite.

3. Watching A Christmas Story with my family. I still watch this movie MANY times from Nov. to January. I simply can't turn it off.

4. Driving around a looking at Christmas lights. I still remember being about 5 or 6 and my parents driving us all over the place looking at the lights and then coming home to see Santa had arrived. Still not sure how they worked that one.

5. Favorite Christmas gifts.... Cricket Doll (she talked and had tons of outfits. Now I think she was kinda creepy). ALF stuffed animal (my grandfather and I would watch that show all the time and he got me the stuffed ALF. I would give anything to have that again.). My first Li Bien Ornament (these are super cool glass ornaments that are painted from the inside with tiny brushes. My Grandma Campbell got me my first one and now I get one for my Mother in Law and SIL every year.). My Audrey Hepburn collection. (My hubby has found 13 of my favorite person's movies. LOVE Audrey so much, and I love Derek for always finding me new ones).

I am sure there are a few more but these are a good start. I love this time of year and it always makes me grateful. I take time to sit in the quiet of the night look at my Christmas tree and just enjoy the peace and stillness. I have soo much to be grateful for and I know I have lots more ahead of me. But for tonight... nothing else matters. Just my family, my memories, and the love I have been blessed with.

Through the looking glass and back!

WOW where has the time gone. This semester and PhD journey has been passing by so quickly I hardly remember to eat let along document the experience.

But as this semester rushes to a finish I have to step back and think. WOW. We have all come so far. I know I look back at who I was when I began this program and never in a million years did I think I would evolve the way I have. Not only my writing, but the way I think about things. This has been such an experience. But the ride is not over.

Many job applications are in. I was able to meet with a few people at NCA. And now we wait! I hate waiting. To much time for my head to ruminate. To many doors are open inviting self doubt to creep in. My peers see a confident version of me and I just can't see it. I feel as if my looking glass shows me one version and something else to everyone around me. Don't get me wrong I am proud of the work I have done and I am able to see I have done a lot! I would be a fool not to see that I have come a long way. But I just can't see what everyone else seems to see. But this seems to be the case my whole life.

For now I work on the dissertation that I do LOVE. She is a jaberwocky beast, but right now I have made friends with her.

Time flies when you are finding your way.

I have always used the metaphor of my life being a labyrinth. There is a goal, a castle, that I am fighting to find my way towards. Characters that come in and out of the story. Some intending to help, while others are simply there to distract and lead us back to the beginning. We each have choices to make, doors to pick from, and sometimes we pick correctly and think to ourselves man this is a piece of cake. But then... we look at the clock and see that we have less time then planned and still have miles to go.

I love this metaphor and find it fitting for the experience of working towards this PhD. I am now in the final year of this program and I see the castle in front of me. It is bigger then I thought it would be but I cannot quite make out the name or land for which it exists. In other words I am now applying for jobs but I have no clue where I end up or what state I will be living in. For me this is the scariest part of the journey. Prior to this I had my cohort for companionship, but many of them are lost in their own worlds slaying dragons (advisers or proposals) and trying to find their own path. For none of us will share the same trail. It would be great if we did, however we each have a unique goal to achieve. And each of us will get there at our own time.

This final stretch of the maze is also terrifying because before we enter the gates of the castle we have to find all of the doors. I have found many but I have not yet found anyone to offer me a key to see if I fit in the door. I hope to have at least one key but what if I receive a keyring full of them. In the end you must only pick one door to walk through. One job to take. However if I do take the wrong job it is not like I will be eaten by some three headed animal, but I might fall into a dark pit of despair.

Yet still we walk the path. I write chapters and try to keep an eye out for more doors and opportunities. From time to time I am able to meet up with my companions for a brief stretch. Luckily I am not alone. I do have my partner and support. My husband has been so great. Sometimes he acts like a fool but in the end in the times when I cannot walk another step he rests with me or carries me until it is safe to rest.

It has been a long journey and I know that in the end this will not be the last castle I seek. I feel I have many more labyrinths to concur. However once I defeat this one.... I feel I will have a bit more confidence. That is if the jabberwocky does not destroy me first.