Amazingly... It has happened...

Three years of course work....Check
18 + hours of Qualifying Exam...Check
Oral Defense of Qualifying Exam... Check (times two)
42 Page Dissertation Proposal...Check
Oral Defense of Dissertation Proposal...Check

And what does this all equal... ME BEING ABD!!!!

So now.... I am left feeling excited and terrified. I have a huge task ahead of me and only I can do it. I do have a team of support and I love them but this is my baby, my jaberwaki to slay.

I am sure the next year will bring lots of tears, joy, and frustration but I know in my heart I can do it. But to document this part of the journey I will be here. Sometimes it might just be an image but I am going to strive for posting weekly updates.

And with this and a huge SIGH... I will take my leave. Until next time!

Short and Simple: Lesson of today!

Apple + Smoked Gouda + Fav. Wine = really smart grad student!!!

Why don't I write while drinking wine more often?

I have either found my formula for confidence or a one way ticket to visit everyone's buddy... Betty Ford.

Some Lessons Learned

I think it goes without saying that earning a PhD is NOT for the faint of heart. It is a process that tests your determination, ability to learn, levels of stress, and just plain changes who you are and how you see yourself. I knew grad school would be hard but I had no idea HOW hard. I also didn't see it functioning as a means of helping me battle some long standing demons.

Let me explain. When I was growing up I had a family member who was emotionally abusive. She didn't mean to be, but she was dealing with her own issues. Regardless though I was told I was useless, selfish, and stupid on a pretty regular basis. Multiple times when something good would happen she would somehow make it about her or find someway to bring me down. Years later I know that what was done in the past was A. in the past and B. nothing she could have helped. She was very ill and she is now not only better but I know she feels horrible. So let me just say I am not angry and I TOTALLY understand she knew nothing of what she was doing.

Flash forward to current day as I finish the qualifying exams and flooded with thoughts and fears that I am an impostor. Playing a role just waiting for the world to discover I am not smart enough for grad school. But this is not the case. I know that. And thank God I have a few AMAZING friends to help me see this. I am not sure how to close the disconnect and the feeling that I need approval but I think earning this degree might be a path. I am finding a way to stand on my own to feet and to see that I already have the approval I need. I have my husband who again and again shows me how much he loves me no matter what. I have my kittens and I have my friends. I have also learned that I do have the love and support from my parents.

So the moral of this tale. Grad school changes you but I think right now I am ok with it. The process is hard and forces you to look at who you think you are and who you want to be but in the end... I am sure I will never be the same. And I am excited to see where this path takes me next.

A moment to pause!

After two weeks of working on my prelims I have a small moment to pause. And in this moment I find myself both nervous and frustrated, yet at peace.

1. Nervous: My adviser offered to look over one of my papers. So I think taking advantage of a little feedback would be great, HOWEVER.... I am flooded with fear that she will hate it. I don't know how I will find the time to make MASSIVE revisions. However I know I will find the time if they are needed. Heck maybe she will like it. I question.. is it the job of the adviser to put fear of God into the hearts of their students?

2. Frustrated: WHY do people who say they are your friends make stupid comments. I try so hard to be supportive and understanding yet a few of my "friends" seem to think it is perfectly fine to pick out all of my flaws and raise questions about things that have NOTHING to do with them. Mind your own business! I just don't get it. I watch what I say SOOOOOO MUCH. But I am wondering if maybe these people need a few checks to their reality.

I am also frustrated living in the land of boxes. I HATE MOVING! I cannot wait to get into the new house but trying to write papers when all of your stuff is in boxes = Frustrating HELL!

3. Strangely at peace: With all said... I know that in three days I will be moving into the new house, my FIRST HOUSE! (ok so we are renting it but still it's a fricken HOUSE) In three days my prelims will also be complete and it will be on Spring Break. Not that I will go anywhere but the idea of not having to work on level ten and teach.... glorious. I am also at peace that while the prelim. experience SUCKS!!!! I am ready. I have found a confidence that I didn't know I really had. I have learned that I do know this stuff and I can do it. The process really does work. It is painful for a reason. But I feel like I am walking away with a new sense of self.

Well... this is where I am. More to come once I am sitting in the new house!

Thanks for listening.

And it all comes to this!

From time to time we reach a point in our lives when we have to just say.. IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT! In the current case it is a few people in my life. I just can't deal with the negativity lack of support or drama. Admittedly if any of these people need me... I know would be there. But right now I need to surround myself with people who love me and support me for who I am. Not those that only care when it is convenient for them.

Tomorrow is the LONG awaited scary section of my qualifying exams. Three hours of rhetorical methods. I have read and prepped and planned as much as I can. I finally think I am ready. Still a bit scared but ready. Once it is done... we move on to the longer piece a full manuscript. Less worried about that piece I just need help on the focusing side. Which is difficult when I have soo much other stuff that also needs to be finished.

On top of all this... I am moving. Yep very excited to get into our first house but my darling hubby needs to stop the making plans, telling his parents about them, and THEN once things are set involving me. I know he doesn't do it to make me mad and I honestly think he talks about this stuff with me but... nope he doesn't. It will be fine, we will get past it but UGH it is not a good time to have soo much going on.

So in then end... I just need to breathe. DEEP cleansing breaths.

You know it's bad when...

SO here I sit. I have a list of stuff to do but I simply cannot function. Where to start! I have finished most of the little piddly things but I have NO FREAKING clue where to go from here. AHHHHHH!!!! So I am hoping that maybe by blogging I will feel better. So far it is not helping. I just sit here thinking maybe if you just starting working on something you would get over this hump but no I am writing to you, that is provided anyone actually reads this. I doubt it!

In one month I take my qualifying exams and while everyone tells me I will be fine and that I don't need to stress it just doesn't seem that easy. I know I can write my papers and I know what I need to do before hand to get ready (including three papers for a conference, lesson plans, teaching, meetings with committee members, ect) but I feel like every-time I turn around I am hit with some other question or request. Yes I DO know how to say no. And I am getting slightly better at saying no. However when one of your course directors tells you that you have to go observe another TA and talk to them about their teaching (in the next three weeks) I can't really tell him NO. Well I could and that might solve some of the other pressures I have on me currently. However then I would have wasted a TON of time, money, and sex that I could have been having with my poor neglected husband. (Sorry that was maybe more then you wanted to know.)

UGH! This too shall pass and I will be grateful for the experience, Blah blah blah! I know in my heart I can do this, and I will do this but looking one month out it seems like a REALLY freaking big mountain.

Time for more tea. Since I had to put coffee aside for the moment! ;( Stupid stress!!!!

It's all about the little things

This week I have come to the realization that it is the simple things that make life great. For example:

1. FUN TV! Sunday I spent the entire day watching Big Bang Theory and ever since I have found things that connect and make me giggle. Another new show, well new to me, is the Late Late show with Craig Ferguson. Ironically both of these shows are ones that my mother has been telling me to watch for years. For once (well twice) she was on to something. Shhh don't tell.

2. Sometimes people can surprise you. I had a really good talk with a member of my dissertation committee and for once she was GREAT. To be honest I was not sure how well the talk would go but to my surprise it was really helpful.

3. Friends can make all the difference in the world. I have a few VERY close friends and now that I am a few weeks from turning the big 3--0 I am finally beginning to understand the benefit of not worrying about making everyone happy and just focusing attention on the people who support and care about me. Seems such a simple concept... so why did it take me so long to figure it out. Sigh.

4. Sometimes you just have to stop and do something silly. Yep.. that is all I will say about that.

5. Everyone needs to find a Happy Place. Mine is the clinic I work at. I LOVE the people soo much. Honestly I never thought one place could be filled with so many amazing people but I have found my happy place. I LOVE the work I get to do and the people I get to do it with. The only worry... is that I will have to move and will not be able to work there. But this is to be determined so we will worry about that later.

Overall...things are still stressful but I am in a pretty good place. As long as I keep working a little everyday I think it will be ok.