And it all comes to this!

From time to time we reach a point in our lives when we have to just say.. IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT! In the current case it is a few people in my life. I just can't deal with the negativity lack of support or drama. Admittedly if any of these people need me... I know would be there. But right now I need to surround myself with people who love me and support me for who I am. Not those that only care when it is convenient for them.

Tomorrow is the LONG awaited scary section of my qualifying exams. Three hours of rhetorical methods. I have read and prepped and planned as much as I can. I finally think I am ready. Still a bit scared but ready. Once it is done... we move on to the longer piece a full manuscript. Less worried about that piece I just need help on the focusing side. Which is difficult when I have soo much other stuff that also needs to be finished.

On top of all this... I am moving. Yep very excited to get into our first house but my darling hubby needs to stop the making plans, telling his parents about them, and THEN once things are set involving me. I know he doesn't do it to make me mad and I honestly think he talks about this stuff with me but... nope he doesn't. It will be fine, we will get past it but UGH it is not a good time to have soo much going on.

So in then end... I just need to breathe. DEEP cleansing breaths.

You know it's bad when...

SO here I sit. I have a list of stuff to do but I simply cannot function. Where to start! I have finished most of the little piddly things but I have NO FREAKING clue where to go from here. AHHHHHH!!!! So I am hoping that maybe by blogging I will feel better. So far it is not helping. I just sit here thinking maybe if you just starting working on something you would get over this hump but no I am writing to you, that is provided anyone actually reads this. I doubt it!

In one month I take my qualifying exams and while everyone tells me I will be fine and that I don't need to stress it just doesn't seem that easy. I know I can write my papers and I know what I need to do before hand to get ready (including three papers for a conference, lesson plans, teaching, meetings with committee members, ect) but I feel like every-time I turn around I am hit with some other question or request. Yes I DO know how to say no. And I am getting slightly better at saying no. However when one of your course directors tells you that you have to go observe another TA and talk to them about their teaching (in the next three weeks) I can't really tell him NO. Well I could and that might solve some of the other pressures I have on me currently. However then I would have wasted a TON of time, money, and sex that I could have been having with my poor neglected husband. (Sorry that was maybe more then you wanted to know.)

UGH! This too shall pass and I will be grateful for the experience, Blah blah blah! I know in my heart I can do this, and I will do this but looking one month out it seems like a REALLY freaking big mountain.

Time for more tea. Since I had to put coffee aside for the moment! ;( Stupid stress!!!!

It's all about the little things

This week I have come to the realization that it is the simple things that make life great. For example:

1. FUN TV! Sunday I spent the entire day watching Big Bang Theory and ever since I have found things that connect and make me giggle. Another new show, well new to me, is the Late Late show with Craig Ferguson. Ironically both of these shows are ones that my mother has been telling me to watch for years. For once (well twice) she was on to something. Shhh don't tell.

2. Sometimes people can surprise you. I had a really good talk with a member of my dissertation committee and for once she was GREAT. To be honest I was not sure how well the talk would go but to my surprise it was really helpful.

3. Friends can make all the difference in the world. I have a few VERY close friends and now that I am a few weeks from turning the big 3--0 I am finally beginning to understand the benefit of not worrying about making everyone happy and just focusing attention on the people who support and care about me. Seems such a simple concept... so why did it take me so long to figure it out. Sigh.

4. Sometimes you just have to stop and do something silly. Yep.. that is all I will say about that.

5. Everyone needs to find a Happy Place. Mine is the clinic I work at. I LOVE the people soo much. Honestly I never thought one place could be filled with so many amazing people but I have found my happy place. I LOVE the work I get to do and the people I get to do it with. The only worry... is that I will have to move and will not be able to work there. But this is to be determined so we will worry about that later.

Overall...things are still stressful but I am in a pretty good place. As long as I keep working a little everyday I think it will be ok.

The year of changes....

Last year at this point I could already see it would be the year I would not sleep, and I was correct. But this year I have all new fun in store. This year will be the year of change.

1. The husband and I just signed a lease on a house which we will move into in March.
2. My qualifying exams and Dis. proposal are also set for March.
3. The summer will commence my starting the dissertation.
4. The Job hunt will begin in the fall.
5. My friendships keep changing.
6. My relationship with my mother is evolving (which is a really good thing)
7. Still have baby fever but that will still have to be on hold until I get a job. UGH.

Overall I should be freaking out. But I'm not. It's strange. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am just a tiny bit of a control freak (wink wink) but most of these changes leave little for me to control. In my youth I would be freaking out, but as I am standing outside the 30th year of my life I am calm cool and pretty collected. My friend tells me this is my "Saturn return" I am not sure how much I buy into the whole stars and moon stuff but I am seeing a difference in my outlook.

Sigh... It is times like this that I am eternally grateful for the friends who understand me, the husband who seems to love me no matter what, and the ability to journal and reflect when I need to.

It's got me thinking...

So after a few long conversations with a few people I have come to a final conclusion... Sometimes you just can't win. Is is impossible to make everyone happy, you will never be able to convince a person they are amazing if they don't want to hear it, just as they might not be able to convince you that you are doing a good job when you are in a funk. Moral of the story... Don't quit, but understand that sometimes... your fighting a battle you have no chance of winning. In those moments... just let it go but try again to remind the people you care about that you do care and be there when they need you.

So with that I share the following.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown


I love this poem and it has helped keep me going. Maybe it will help you on those days that you don't think you can look at even one more page of reading, or in my case survey.

Intrapersnal Terrorism

I had a thought the other day as I was driving home from church the other day.

If your best friend did something stupid and was feeling really low, would you tell them they were stupid and make them feel worse. Even someone as snarky and sassy as I can be knows that this is not what I would do. Yet all to often when I do something stupid or even if it wasn't stupid but I think it is less then my own expectations, this is precisely what I do. WHY. I would not keep a friend if they did that to me, yet I have torn myself down soo many times.

With this new way of thinking I remember the resolution I made last year "not to let fear stop me anymore" and for the FIRST time in sooooo long I was MOSTLY successful. I am sure I had a few moments but more time then not I would catch myself doing it and I would stop. But this year I think I am going to make my resolution to STOP the Intrapersnal Terrorism! I am going to stop beating myself up and just live.

I am a perfectionist and a bit of a control freak but I know this. I also know no one is perfect. I work hard and I love what I do. That is all that matters.

I pray I can keep this resolution because looking at all that is ahead of me this year is VERY scary. Here is the cliffs notes version:

1. Qualifying Exams (two weeks of SCARINESS)
2. Grant 2.0 Reviews
3. Moving
4. Beginning the Dis
5. Job Hunt
6. Job Talks
7. Getting more of my own research published (more scariness!)

Well this just about covers the most of it. UGH. All I can do is take it one day at a time. I will stay organized and will make time for relaxing (something my friends seem to this I am not capable of doing).

Working Hard...

My friend tells me today that I am a model grad student and that I should not beat myself up for feeling like I don't work hard enough, and this has got me thinking. How does one know if they are working hard. For once I am not being sarcastic. I genuinely don't know if I really work hard. I ALWAYS seem to find things I should do or could have done better. I don't know why I am so hard on myself all the time but again and again I feel like I am not working hard enough. Yet in my program... I am labeled the overachiever. Not only by some of my peers but also some professors. But I am a perfectionist, and sometimes when things don't go the way I hoped I take it personally and think I failed. WHY! Why do I do this?

I do feel good that I am dedicated, and I will not quit. These I think are good qualities but this unending feeling that I could be doing more might not be healthy. Or maybe it is what drives me. Ugh I don't know!