The year of changes....

Last year at this point I could already see it would be the year I would not sleep, and I was correct. But this year I have all new fun in store. This year will be the year of change.

1. The husband and I just signed a lease on a house which we will move into in March.
2. My qualifying exams and Dis. proposal are also set for March.
3. The summer will commence my starting the dissertation.
4. The Job hunt will begin in the fall.
5. My friendships keep changing.
6. My relationship with my mother is evolving (which is a really good thing)
7. Still have baby fever but that will still have to be on hold until I get a job. UGH.

Overall I should be freaking out. But I'm not. It's strange. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am just a tiny bit of a control freak (wink wink) but most of these changes leave little for me to control. In my youth I would be freaking out, but as I am standing outside the 30th year of my life I am calm cool and pretty collected. My friend tells me this is my "Saturn return" I am not sure how much I buy into the whole stars and moon stuff but I am seeing a difference in my outlook.

Sigh... It is times like this that I am eternally grateful for the friends who understand me, the husband who seems to love me no matter what, and the ability to journal and reflect when I need to.

It's got me thinking...

So after a few long conversations with a few people I have come to a final conclusion... Sometimes you just can't win. Is is impossible to make everyone happy, you will never be able to convince a person they are amazing if they don't want to hear it, just as they might not be able to convince you that you are doing a good job when you are in a funk. Moral of the story... Don't quit, but understand that sometimes... your fighting a battle you have no chance of winning. In those moments... just let it go but try again to remind the people you care about that you do care and be there when they need you.

So with that I share the following.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown


I love this poem and it has helped keep me going. Maybe it will help you on those days that you don't think you can look at even one more page of reading, or in my case survey.

Intrapersnal Terrorism

I had a thought the other day as I was driving home from church the other day.

If your best friend did something stupid and was feeling really low, would you tell them they were stupid and make them feel worse. Even someone as snarky and sassy as I can be knows that this is not what I would do. Yet all to often when I do something stupid or even if it wasn't stupid but I think it is less then my own expectations, this is precisely what I do. WHY. I would not keep a friend if they did that to me, yet I have torn myself down soo many times.

With this new way of thinking I remember the resolution I made last year "not to let fear stop me anymore" and for the FIRST time in sooooo long I was MOSTLY successful. I am sure I had a few moments but more time then not I would catch myself doing it and I would stop. But this year I think I am going to make my resolution to STOP the Intrapersnal Terrorism! I am going to stop beating myself up and just live.

I am a perfectionist and a bit of a control freak but I know this. I also know no one is perfect. I work hard and I love what I do. That is all that matters.

I pray I can keep this resolution because looking at all that is ahead of me this year is VERY scary. Here is the cliffs notes version:

1. Qualifying Exams (two weeks of SCARINESS)
2. Grant 2.0 Reviews
3. Moving
4. Beginning the Dis
5. Job Hunt
6. Job Talks
7. Getting more of my own research published (more scariness!)

Well this just about covers the most of it. UGH. All I can do is take it one day at a time. I will stay organized and will make time for relaxing (something my friends seem to this I am not capable of doing).

Working Hard...

My friend tells me today that I am a model grad student and that I should not beat myself up for feeling like I don't work hard enough, and this has got me thinking. How does one know if they are working hard. For once I am not being sarcastic. I genuinely don't know if I really work hard. I ALWAYS seem to find things I should do or could have done better. I don't know why I am so hard on myself all the time but again and again I feel like I am not working hard enough. Yet in my program... I am labeled the overachiever. Not only by some of my peers but also some professors. But I am a perfectionist, and sometimes when things don't go the way I hoped I take it personally and think I failed. WHY! Why do I do this?

I do feel good that I am dedicated, and I will not quit. These I think are good qualities but this unending feeling that I could be doing more might not be healthy. Or maybe it is what drives me. Ugh I don't know!

Sometimes... Growth hurts!

I was reading my devotional the other day and they included one of the best quotes I have read in a long time. Not only did it hit home in an unexpected way (as most of the daily entries do) but it was from a VERY unexpected author. Yet as I reread the words over and over again I become truly inspired. Ok so i guess maybe you are wondering what this quote is fine here you are.



I started this year with the resolution that I would not let fear paralyze me anymore. For the most part I have to say this has been probably my only successful resolution. Yet one area I still need work on is to find my moxie (PS I simply adore the word moxie). In my head I am full of moxie, but in my actions... not always. This is where the quote comes in to play. I worry to much about what others think. Which is so odd to admit given that I am pretty known for being able to say what I think and always challenging ideas. But it is in the small things that my moxie begins to wane, which i guess could be better then having it for the small but not when it really matters.

In my last post I mentioned that I was feeling different these days and I guess this is just part of it. Maybe this is narcissistic but sometimes we need to turn the mirror around and see if we still like who we are, and I do. Yes, as my mother and Dr. like to remind me (as if I didn't already know this) I need to loose weight) but I am a grad student I would LOVE for someone to tell me when I can work out. I would love to but WHEN? Anyway I digress, besides the 20 or so pounds I would like to loose, i really do like who I have become. I have embraced the fact that I am a nerd, I love the work that I do (both in research and teaching, as well as the volunteer work - HIV clinic and youth group stuff) I love the hubby and my kittens and I very much look forward to having a family of my very own (in time I know, but I am eager!).

I seem to be too eager sometimes. I am a jumper. When I was a kid I was about three when I decided I needed to learn to swim and it would NOT be with the assistance of the little arm wing things they put on kids back then (which we have no found are not very good for anything anyway). So I took them off and jumped into the water. Scared the crap out of my mom and my dad had to jumped in to save me. But since then I have continued to JUMP into things, i guess i never learned my lesson. I enjoy loving like I will never get hurt, and dancing like no one is watching.

When it comes to my work.. yeah I am a bit of a workaholic. I try and give it my all. The best example is the grant i recently went for. I dedicated an entire summer to working on this thing and last week I found out it is unlikely I will get it. Yes the possibility is still there... but it is slim. And while I am sad that I didn't met my own expectation I have realized that in the end no matter what happens I am glad I jumped. I now have a very clear direction for the next year and half of research. I have the experience of what it is like to write a major grant and I have grown from the experience.

Yet what I have learned more then anything (and I didn't figure out until now) is that sometimes.. growth fucking hurts. When we are kids growing was physically painful, I remember. But as adults it is also painful. We hurt as professors tear our work apart all in the name of the growth of our mind and the "thicker skin" we will need in the future. As we love and have our heart broken we grow and become who we are. I think that might be the difference between those that become broken maybe the growth hurt too much and they just snap. Lord knows when my first mom passed away when I was a kid I thought I would NEVER get over that pain and it still hurts sometimes but I have grown a great deal from that experience.

In then end I guess it all comes to not having regrets. I do not regret going for the grant i am glad I did it and if I get feedback that I can fix something and try it again... I will. But if the things they mention are out of my control... I will be ok with that. I am a believer that somethings happen for a reason. We don't always know what those reasons are (which is VERY frustrating for the control freak in me) but the free spirited three year old who just likes to jump and think later... she is ok with the growing pains. I think she has my moxie... and maybe I need to start listening to her just a bit more!

As I sit...

Well... we are well into year three and so far it has stared off with a bang.

NIH Grant: DONE (Now we wait!) I still maintain that grants might be the work of the devil. They are VERY time consuming but it will be soooo worth it in the end.
Teaching: Going well, students aren't too bad.
Marriage: FOUR YEARS!!! And still going strong.
Oh and one of my best friends had baby! (SOOO cute. I just wish MY ovaries would stop burning.)

Overall... life is good. Hard! But good.

The biggest change since my last post is that I have been working in an STD/HIV clinic. This summer I began training and I cannot quite put into words JUST how much it has changed me. Not only do I work with some of the BEST people in the city but I feel like in a small way I am helping. I LOVE counseling and soon I will undergo training to do the testing as well. THEN I will be able to go out in the field and reach out. I want to do more with college kids. THEY NEED someone to talk to them.

It amazes me how big of a NERD I have become (oh ok I have always been a nerd. Who am I kidding). I love researching HIV prevention. I truly can't get enough of it. And the moments when things click into place offers a HIGH no drug (I am guessing) could offer. For me it is like drinking two pots of coffee (without the gut rot afterward).

But most of all this year has been a year of...metamorphosis. I guess. WOW that is lame and cheesy even to me but it is I guess. I turn 30 soon but even now I feel different. My friend who is kinda Woo Woo (as I like to call it) says that Saturn is returning or something like that. All I know is that I see things a bit different. I don't have the same patience for somethings and unlimited for others. And I am finding that for the most part... I like the woman I have become. I think people would say I am a good person. I try to work hard and always be there for my friends. I am not a "cool kid" and I have made peace that I will never be. I think I have wasted too much time worrying about what other have thought and these past few months I have really given most of that up. YES there are opinions that matter to me, but I have learned that more times then non... MY opinion of me is the one I need to focus on. I will never make everyone happy, but in the end I have to live with myself.

So that is where I am today. Tomorrow... who knows. But for now I am a wife, researcher,mentor(to youth at least) and friend. I like it!

Reflections

I have two favorite quotes, if you will, that have stuck by me my entire life. The first was written on the cover of my very first diary which I received when I was six.
It read: Sometimes I need to be alone thinking dreaming on my own. Finding out what makes me me. Following my own special path.

I think if that this morning as I sit and reflect on a fight I had recently. Questions were brought up about how we say things but unconsciously we meant to hurt someone. I admit I do not always think through my statements (a MAJOR flaw of mine). But I can work on that, and I am. But if some thinks that I would subconsciously intend to hurt them, how do I work on that? And how to explain that I didn't even subconsciously do that. I try my best to be a good person, I would do anything for my friends, but this is beyond me. And in many ways hurts more then other judgments I have endured. If you really truly felt that way, why would you want to be friends with that person. I wouldn't.

The other quote is: Don't walk in front of me I may not follow, don't walk in front I may not lead, just walk besides me and be my friend. This was my senior quote in high school but today means more then anything. In a PhD program it is your friends that will help build you up. Will be there for you to cry to when you have a rough day and will laugh at you when you mean to write assess and instead you write asses. Your friends should be by your side. Walking together side by side (like the travelers from the Wizard of Oz) our very own yellow brick road. But right now I think we lost in a forest and I can only hope that soon we will be through the brush and can get back on the right path.

They say a PhD program is a lonely path, and I see that now. So much of our time is sucked away by reading grading and writing. And in many ways our lives become so wrapped up in it that it is hard to break away. But this it is important to do so. SO with this in mind I think I will call my friends outside of the school world and invite them for wine!