And another semester has nearly come and gone

So far this journey to Mankato has been MORE than I ever would have dreamed it could be. In a few short months I have made new friends, lived my revived a passion for teaching and research, and found balance and peace. I may have also discovered that part of the problem is that I was not quite in the right area. I LOVE communication, please don't get me wrong, but I have always never quite fit.

I am an applied scholar. I USE theory to explain WHY we do something, I never really wanted to create theory or even really test it. I love learning about it, but my methods of thinking have never really led to to a path where I could see myself developing theory. Understanding this about my self and making peace with it has been a LONG journey.

About a month ago a colleague from the English Dept. and I were talking and I was asked "why are you in the Com dept.? Do you realize you should be in Tech. Com?" Without a second thought I simply replied, "Some days, I am not sure. But I was never really in a place where I could JUST focus on Tech Com." I have always LOVED Technical writing and I am good at it. I love to teach it. It IS APPLIED communication. IT IS STRATEGIC. And it provides a platform for me to teach students skills they will use no matter what they go on to do. I LOVE that. There is NO question about "does this REALLY even matter?" YES! YES it does. Regardless of the job field one chooses they will need to be able to write, and often that writing is much different from the types they are experienced with.

The best part is, that this conversation was not simply water-cooler chatter, but an invitation to apply for a TC TENURE LINE job. One with a focus on health! HA!!  Would you look at that. A job almost written for ME!!! Needless to say I have applied, and have recently been told my application was suggested by HR, and is now with the search committee.

So it is time for, yet again, more waiting to see if the door will open. I have knocked on a few doors this fall, and so far two have cracked open. Which is the soonest I have experienced since joining the job market in 2011. I have a lot of confidence in this season of job hunting, and can feel the air of freedom above me. That open sky is almost here. 

All this said however, my life is much fuller now as well. The hubs and I have found balance (ok I have found balance). Yes I work more than I should I am sure.  But I admit it, I am the job. I think all great teachers are. We have to be. HOWEVER, I am making time to be with friends and the hubs more than ever. We game weekly with our friends, sometimes a few times a week. D and I WILL start going to the gym together soon and I am excited. He is also waiting for news of a job. He applied and had an interview at my university. SQUEEEE!

It seems that we are both looking at a GREAT possibility. Could it be... for the first time in our entire relationship we are going to be in stable jobs? I am SOO thrilled and terrified by this idea. Thrilled because this is all I have wanted for a LONG time. Terrified that this glimpse will never happen. But I have faith. I believe this will happen when the time is right. And it would see the time is getting closer. Once it does.... then the real conversation about kids and future will begin. For now lets just see what happens with these two possibilities.

All in all, as I enter this holiday season I remain focused, grateful,  and determined. I have my dream job at my fingertips, an amazingly supportive husband, and the best friends a girl could ask for. I am THRIVING! I am whole again. Bring on 2015!  I am more ready than ever.

T.H.R.I.V.E.

The first week is behind me now. Looking back... all I can do is smile. I AM where I was meant to be. I have found a place that I didn't even knew could be real. While I know no university (or any place of work) will be perfect, this might be as close as I can come. At the very least it is perfect for now.

My first week on the last day of orientation I was reminded that we all need to THRIVE as professors.

T - Take advantage of the available resources.  They have soooo many programs and certificates it's crazy. So I am. I am taking classes for two certificates to help continue develop my teaching. One is for online teaching and the other is for the writing intensive class I have to teach. They also have a program that will edit and guide scholarship before we send it out for journal review. How cool is that!

H - Have Fun. Seems like an easy thing to do, right?  Well for me sometimes I need a reminder. I am type A, a workaholic, and a perfectionist. All ingredients for trouble and stress.  Luckily have a great husband who often keeps things fun, and will pull me away for fun when I forget.

R - Remember they picked you. YES!! Yes they did. And not only did they pick me, they put in a specific request for an additional line JUST FOR ME. I need to remember this anytime my imposter starts talking loudly. This week with the students helped a TON. They are already connecting as my Carroll students did. Kinda makes me wonder if they weren't right after all. Maybe I really do set the tone.

I - Invite Feedback; ask for advice. I have decided that I need to stop fearing feedback. The only way I can get better is by asking for help and advice. I am so quick to ask for help in some areas of my life, why not apply the understanding to my teaching and writing. So I have signed up for the peer and student review process for my class (another cool program offered). And I will seek support from my colleges.

V - Vision. Where are you going? After meeting with the Dean for my Professional Development Plan it was even clearer that I am indeed in a wonderful place. She not only seemed excited for what I offer, but was also able to see the potential in me for leadership roles.  I have always thought I could be a great dean someday, but to hear one say they see it in you... really helps. The best part of the conversation however was the advice to always think about HOW I want to grow. What is my vision for my career? How can I PACE myself to grow in the right ways. It's so easy to get ahead of yourself, so focusing on the vision will be helpful. I also have to keep in mind that really I am only at the beginning of my journey. I still have 30 some years before I would retire. I have LOTS of time to get to my benchmarks. I just can't give up.

E - Excuse Yourself (Say No, Shut the door). Sometimes it is smarter to say NO for the moment, than to take on more than you can do. I suffer from wanting to do everything, but knowing that is the first step. I must remember my vision and ask if the activity or what not will help me reach the goal. If not... Might have to pass. I also need to make sure I keep writing. I will need to get into a habit of writing everyday. I know it will take planning, and determination, but I know I can do it.

I have taken so much away from the various meetings I went to last week. I am thrilled to be starting on this journey, and I think this might be a long season. I certainly hope that is the case. SO far signs seem to point to yes. I will go for it. I will have faith.  If I am meant to be somewhere else... ok. We will take it a day at a time. I will only control what I can, and let go of what I can't.

Could it be.... I have finally grown up?

Still the imposter

When I was in grad school I remember fighting the fear that I wasn't smart enough to be in grad school. Every paper I turned in I would be filled with trepidation. Worrying that this would be the paper that would seal my fate. I would get called into my professor's office, and there I would be told I was found out, not good enough, and should find a new career.

Needless to say it never happened.

When I graduated I thought that would be the end of the negative little voice. I was certain that with the new job it would be ok. Nope.

Today sitting in our department meeting the voice started up again. I am not sure why I have this fear, but I am told it's normal. Not that this helps, much. 

So I sit here, alone. My friends, family, cats, everything I know and love are hours and hours away. I am excited about this opportunity. BUT SCARED out of my mind. I can I REALLY do this? Will my students connect with me like past ones have? Can I get into a rhythm that will help be do what I need to do? Only time will tell.

For now I must stay confident. Or at least keep telling myself I am here for a reason. Everyone tells me it will work out. I only wish I was able to see what they all seem to see.

The Last MKE Chapter

15 years ago I moved to Milwaukee. I kicked, I screamed, I hated my parents for moving me here. Now... I am sad to go. I have experienced SOOOO much in this great city. I met amazing people, ate great food, and found my passion for teaching at the college level.

I read somewhere that only 20% of academics with a PhD get a job in a academia.  That seems low, but not that low. I have a number of friends who have chosen to leave and I can't say I blame them at all. Many have had no bites (mostly English and American Studies peeps) those jobs are gone. My friends in Communication have it better, but for us the field is so saturated with nepotism it isn't even funny.

The greatest thing I take away from Milwaukee will be the friendships. Growing up I moved so much that I never had the chance to really make friends. I have people I played with, but once I would move again we never kept in touch. When I move to MKE I didn't even tell my friends. That is something I deeply regret. Lesson learned I am taking every opportunity to enjoy the time remaining. I know I am not saying goodbye forever. These friends are people I have had by my side for a number of years, and I will always stand by theirs.  I am so grateful to have found so many wonderful people who have forever had an impact on my life.

All that said... I am really excited to be moving. I really like Mankato so far. It's small, yet has all the stores and things we like. Everyone is super friendly, they call it Minn. nice for a reason. Plus I am thrilled to start the new job. This is all such a strange combination of excitement and sadness. I will deeply miss this city and the people in it. Thank goodness for technology. I know we will stay in touch. Plus it's only a five hour drive to come back and visit. 

One chapter comes to an end and another one begins... here is to a good chapter.

Wait...what...huh.... I did it???

Well, well, well.... This was a crazy way to get here, but looks like it has finally happened. I got the job!  This August I will start my new job as an assistant professor. HA!

I can't help but to laugh. This has been an insane year. Here is the best illustration.

See I thought you would go to grad school, get the degree and ride on into a job. HA HA HA! Oh noooo. First you must have chaos with your entire dissertation committee. Then you get a visiting job (YAY!) You gain momentum and then have that swift kick to the head when the provost changes the job and you are no longer needed, in May no less. To late to apply now so you take a high school job. This will teach you SOOOOO much about teaching, relating to students, the future of education, as well as what you REALLY want to do. Along the way you will keep applying to jobs. Having your materials for the job apps reviewed by as many people as you can was indeed the BEST IDEA EVER!  You get calls, campus visits, and lots of second place finishes. But here is where you CANNOT GIVE UP. The academic path is FULL of people who will NOT cheer you on. It seems far more people in the world want to convince you that you cannot achieve that goal. We all face disappointment and rejection. What I have read and learned so far is that for many reasons the rejection we face in academia hurts even more. That least it has been for me.

Not so much when I get a paper rejected, that I know is subjective. I can take that sting and quickly move on. (Note: It still stings, but it's part of the process.) But not getting the job... that hurt was the worst. TEARS and depression where pretty common place this last year. BUT the greatest lesson was learned in that dark and dank oubliette.

You have to find yourself and find the ability to fly WITHOUT a school or job to propel you. Listen to the loved ones and others around you who tell you they believe in you. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.  Once you can do that.. THEN you will find that you held the key all along and now the door will open.

I admit there is still a LONG journey before me.  However, I do know that no matter what, not that I know how to fly on my own... I will never be caged again. I will do everything I can to always fly free. Yes departments will have expectations, and I hope to have other areas of my life take off (IE babies), but knowing that I have found A key to happiness is a great feeling. This might not be THE key, but it is a great key for now.

I am so excited for this path and I really feel like I am finally flying. Now... time to learn how to SOAR!

Seeking peace

I have survived! I am officially no longer a high school teacher. Although I did discover I could in fact be a great English teacher (a HUGE SHOCK TO ME!) I am not sure I was given the patients to do it. What I do want to do is devote my time and talent for teaching at the college level. I keep reading blogs and articles about how "bad" college students are and I have to wonder if this idea is simply because we have too many people in academia who are not really dedicated to the craft of teaching. I say this from observation. I know MANY people who got their PhD not because they wanted to teach, but because they wanted to research. Or worse they didn't know what else to do, so they kept going to school.

I on the other hand have ALWAYS wanted to teach. Its who I am. Teaching is not easy. You MUST be able to be flexible. You must think about how to best meet your students where they are. I agree high schools and grade schools are no longer preparing kids for college. BUT, I also know that this has very little to do with the teachers. Yes some teachers suck. The bigger issue however is the amount of bureaucracy that is getting in the way of teachers.

I love the idea of common core standards. Yet HATE the crazy level of testing those kids have to go through. They are not taught to think, they are taught to master short term memorization for a test. This does not help anyone. College professors need to see that the basics might be there, but it will be our job to teach them to think. From what I have seen, students DO want to be challenged. They DO want to apply knowledge and see how things work. Up until now they have not really had that chance to apply ideas, because schools are not encouraged to teach those skills to students. Sure application is on the CCS (common core standards) yet teachers know that this skill is not really applicable on an online multiple choice test. So they teach the test. This breaks my heart, but at the same time it ignites a passion to keep going.

One day I want to do something big. I want to be in a position where I can rupture the school system. I am not sure HOW to do it. Not even sure where to start. But that doesn't matter, I will keep looking. I will keep thinking about these issues. I will keep fighting for the job that will provide the security that I can focus more attention to this. Suddenly all my previous experience seems to make sense. The work I have done on social justice issues. The year I just finished working in a high school. The years of working with and mentoring youth. I desire to work at a university that values teaching and community. I see the path. Now I just need to be let our of this cage, and let free to DO something.

Seasons of Change

Oh how times have changed, yet stayed the same. It was this time last year that I felt completely unsure of who I was. My job was given to someone else, I had no job prospects, and had lost my sense of self. Today, I still don't have "the job" locked up, but I am closer. Over the coarse of the year I have cried, laughed, worried, and some how found new hope.

What amazes me the most is the fact that even two years after grad school I am still "recovering". I remember people telling me that you know you are "successful when you cannot hold a normal conversation", but i didn't realize just how HORRIBLE a measure of success that is. I knew grad school would change me, but I never knew how much. I knew I would see the world differently. I knew I would grow as a person. Yet I never thought it would cause some of the damage it did. Let me elaborate.

When I started grad school, and really even before I started, I worried A LOT that I was not smart enough. I was never really told that I was smart growing up. In fact I was held back in first grade because I "had a learning disability".  Few years later I am not "learning disabled", instead they tell me I'm "gifted". HA!  Funny how that all works. The problem is when you tell a kid they are slow for a number of years it's hard to ever shake that voice. So grad school becomes a cesspool of comparison and feeling that at any moment you will be found out (it's called imposter syndrom. Didn't find that out until the last year. That would have been good to know). Two years after graduating with my PhD I have FINALLY rid myself of that idea. I have found the ability to see that I do have great ideas and have the ability to do great things. I just have to advocate for myself and find my path.

I went to grad school because I wanted to teach at the college level. I LOVE teaching. Yet, part of grad school is research, and for me it was not long before I also found a love for research. Coined by a few friends my "research highs" are both thrilling and scary. I can get so drawn into what I am doing that the entire world seems to stop moving. Then it speeds up and I can't move fast enough. I LOVE those moments. The problem is that in academia research has restrictions. It only counts if it is in the "right" journals and focuses on theory. I was told early on "You will never find a job as an applied scholar". Here's my issue with that mentality... the work I want to do needs to be USED! I want to help rupture perceptions of risk.  I can't accomplish anything if the only people reading my work are professors. I need to publish in journals that might be read by people who can use it. I am an applied scholar. I want to apply the theories that we use in communication. I value them and want to help organizations and community health organizers understand how to reach the communication goals they have.

Knowing that to do what I loved required a PhD I did my best to learn and prepare as much as I could. I even started thinking about the job path in my masters program. I had a plan. I had goals. I met them all. Yet two years and a seven page CV later I have have four campus visits and four "silver medals". People look at my materials and are "so impressed". I am told I have enough publications to already have tenure. I am told I am FANTASTIC during the interview. Yet still no job! I know I'm not alone. I am told many people are in the same boat. So how does one get to their destination? No one seems to have any useful advice. Well that is besides... DON"T adjunct.

I'm told you should do anything but don't become "just" an Adjunct. Yeah.... so I agree adjuncting pays HORRIBLY, and you have no stability. No it's not what I want forever, yet the alternatives.... are not really an option. I tried teaching high school. After all that is what everyone says you should do if you don't land a college job. Although I am told I am actually really good at it, I was miserable MOST of the time. What I loved.... was the stuff I would be doing with my college kids. The mentoring, helping them think about career paths, lesson planning, and mediating discussion (which RARELY happens at the HS level). I can do that in a full time job or by adjunting. The advantage to not being locked in a full time gig.... I can research what ever I want.

It's all part of this path, yet no one seems to talk about it. I have to wonder how much of this is new with the "current market horrors". I wonder how long this will last.

This said... I still have hope. They say the college path is NOT easy, the rejection we receive hits deeper than almost any other. You have to be determined. I am. I will achieve this goal. I know that I am a great teacher, it is my gift and passion. I know that the research I want to do could be great. I just need a chance to do it.

This year has taught me sooo much. I see sooo many things about myself, the world of academics and that world as a whole differently. It was painful, but I have grown.

Must be more like Buddha!

I have to say that after the year I had maybe this quote is more true that I would like to admit. This time last year I was a mess. I was constantly thinking and worried about why I wasn't hearing about jobs. As a result.... I was followed by dark clouds of worry and strife. This year while I am still a little concerned, I am not consumed by it. This year I am seeking BALANCE in my life. Balance not only in how I spend my time but also within my mind. 

I understand now that everything starts there, in my mind. I have always taught my students about self fulfilling prophecies and now it is time I practice it. The idea is that if you have a positive outlook on a situation then you are more likely to experience positive things. When you come into a situation with a negative outlook, you look for the bad. I will choose to look for the good in the experiences I have. What am I learning and gaining from my time as a high school teacher?  If I keep only focusing on the negative aspects... it's only going to set me up to be miserable.

As I mentioned in my last post I have to accept that I cannot control what happens in life. All I can control is how I react to it. I will not get interviews with every place I apply. Even if I do get an interview that doesn't mean I will get the job. I have probably grown a bit bitter, or maybe it's just being realistic. There are so many people trying to get jobs in academia and there are so few to be had. However, I know this is where I am supposed to be. I LOVE my job as a scholar. Yes I can be a scholar with or without a school as an affiliation. However I cannot be a mentor without classes to teach. I have learned this year that mentorship is SOOOO important to me.

Working one on one, assisting in the development of ideas, troubleshooting research issues. I love it all. I really think that one day I will be a great masters adviser. Maybe even a PhD parent. I take such pride in seeing my kids (students) achieve their goals. For me there is little better than getting that call or email telling me they reached their goal. Or the moments when they struggle and struggle to get something and then pop, they get it. Yeah yeah yeah, I know I can have those moments as a high school teacher as well, and I have had a few moments like that. Maybe I just need to give it more time, but I miss the fit I had at the college level. I just always felt a far more natural fit at the university.

All in all I have no control in where I will be. I have some options to consider, and that is about as close to in control as I can be. And to be honest, I am ok with it. Of course I would LOVE to be in more control, but this year I am ready to not be. I have HONESTLY let it go. What happens will happen. OK. I trust the higher powers that have a bigger plan for me. I have already learned so much and I have grown as a person, and that is the goal I am sure.

Everyday we should be learning and growing. I am so lucky and blessed that I have people in my life that push me and believe in me more than I do myself. But, today I am believing in myself a bit more. I know I have great things to offer a school and their students. No matter where I will be teaching, I will give it my best. It will all work out. I will be clam and positive. I will let my mind be pure, and hope that joy will follow.

I will fly again!

A year in review....

Well... here we are a few days before the start of a new year. What can I say... it was a LONG year full of tears, pain, and some joy. Needless to say I am very much looking forward to closing this chapter and beginning anew. Yet before this new year begins I think it will be smart of me to look back, count the many blessings, and acknowledge the lessons I learned. SO instead of a month by month recap (which was the initial plan) I think it will be more beneficial to focus on the lessons themselves.

Lesson NO. 1: We DO NOT control life, all we can do is participate.
I have to acknowledge that I didn't come up with this on my own, instead I heard it from a very wise and funny Wayan brother. He mentioned this idea in an interview with Oprah and it really stuck. I have been trying to control things for a few years and I see now that all it did was stress me out. I CAN"T control it all. There I said it. Would I like to be able to ... yup. I am a type A person. I admit it and I am not sure how much I want that to change that, but what I HAVE to let go of is the stress connected to things I have NO control over.

For example, this time last year I was terrified that I would not get to keep my job at Carroll. Well .... I didn't get to. It HURT, bad. I fell into a deep depression and summer of 2013 SUCKED. I NEVER want to feel that way again, yet I have learned from that experience. For starters I learned to trust that everything will work out. God provided for me in so many ways. First I was able to find the financial security we needed, but more on that in a min. Second I found parts of me that had been LONG forgotten. I started really reading again. I rediscovered my love and passion for art. I took a really hard look at who I am, and who I want to be.

When I lost, NO when my time at Carroll "ended" (I am still there, just not full time) I was terrified I would never get to teach. I am a teacher with every ounce of my being. No doubt. Nothing gives me more joy than helping my student get a difficult concept or watching a class get so into a discussion that I do nothing more than offer a point or two as means of directing the conversation. I have always known I loved teaching, but when you are faced with idea that you might not be able to do what you love.... i'm not sure how to describe the pain I felt. I hurt about as much as loosing my mother when I was nine. HOWEVER, God put me on this earth to teach. It was the challenge from God that I made me make a call and in the end take an offer to teach high school.

To be honest some days I HATE this job. It is by far the hardest job I have ever had. I have cried a LOT. I have felt so sick that I fear not being able to make it to work. Yet, I am told I am great at what I do. My students (well many) seem to really like me as a teacher. I get them, and they get me. I am able to get many to see connections I am not sure others have provided. I am not convinced I am making a huge difference, which is always my fear as a teacher. I love college because you can SEE it. It is so much easier to see and hear from students that you had an impact. High school seems very different. But it's not about me, and it shouldn't be. All I can do it try and keep going. I am not sure what will happen next year, but if God asks me to keep going I will do my best. Which I guess leads me to another lesson.

Lesson NO. 2: All you can do is try. 

God never said we had to be perfect. In fact I am pretty sure perfect doesn't exist. I have tried to be as perfect as I could be, but that is STUPID. No one expects me to be perfect, so why do I freak about it. All I can do is give it my best. Some lessons that I plan will be great, others for what ever reason will blow up. That is life!

As long as I am giving my best effort it will be ok. I cannot let my fear of making mistakes imprison or stop me.

Am I a size 6, NOT A CHANCE. But I have lost a good number of the grad school pounds, about 10 in total. Should I take off more, sure that would be great. Do I need to kill myself to do it. NOPE. My husband finds me sexy and tries to get in my pants on a daily basis. SO why should I care that society might think I am chubby. FUCK IT. 

Lesson NO. 3: ANYTHING can happen, so be ready.

I think the biggest thing I have learned this year is just to be open for anything. I was pushed out of the tree that I loved and was comfortable in. For a while I felt like a baby bird with her head in a hole on the ground. Then (with some help) I was taken out of the hole and was left hoping around on the ground. I have not yet figured out how to soar, but I have flown a few times. I know I CAN fly. I just need to keep trying. Maybe it will be a college breeze that lifts my wings and helps to carry me over the trees and sea. OR maybe it will be that I find my wings growing stronger as a high school teacher. Regardless I will FLY. I will find my way. I just have to keep flapping my wings. When I get tiered... I need to rest. I need to accept that this is not going to be easy. Nothing worth doing is EVER easy. My dissertation was a painful project, yet it did it. I never thought I was smart enough to get a PhD, yet... here I am. This year has reminded me that I still have LOTS to learn. I hope I never feel as if I have nothing left to learn.

Lesson NO 4: Friends and a support system is VITAL!

Without my husband, friends, and my family I am not sure how I could have survived this year. Derek was such a blessing. Not only did he, and still does, do his very best to keep me smiling no matter how bleak I thought the world looked, but he also let me cry and just be. Was he always helpful.... well most of the time. ;)  But by in large he has NEVER given up on me. He believes in me far more than I believe in myself most days. He sees such greatness in me. I am SOOO lucky to have people like that.

Many of my friends also see more in me than I do. I have to think this is the case for most of us. I know I seem to see more in my friends than they are able to see. I guess that is the whole point of having friends. They let you bitch, and cry, and complain; then they pick you up and help you see all that you have missed. We get so lost in our own fears, pain, and expectations that we miss so much. A good support system will not let you keep focused on the dark. A real friend and in my case I have TWO (Ali and Sherry) always help you find the light. These two beautiful, brilliant, and bitchy women NEVER let go. They call me out on my crap when I need it, make me laugh when I all I want to do is cry, and they are the best friends I could ever ask for. They know me better than anyone, and because of that I can't get anything past them.

Lastly I have my faith. I know not everyone connects with a higher power, but I have to. Life always seem far more impossible when I loose sight of the bigger purpose, not that I know what that is. Yet I feel like if as long as I TRY and make this world a little better than yesterday I have done my job. I can't change the world by myself. BUT maybe... JUST maybe I can shine a light that will set someone else to do the same. If we all shine our lights this darkness can be lifted.

Soo...... 
It's been a long year. I have been challenged, stretched, and I have grown. My family welcomed our first niece and a week later they lost their house in a tornado. I lost my job, but found a whole new possibility, as well as pieces of me I had forgotten about.  I am VERY ready to say goodbye to 2013, however I am grateful for every moment. I would not be who I am today without the trials of yesterday. I am stronger and more determined than ever before. Did I see this path coming... NOPE. Can I control what will be in store in 2014... NOPE. Do I need to be... NOPE. (I write with an enormous smile stretched across my face). I don't have to know what will happen, all I can do is be willing to move and fly when the wind picks up my wings. My mantra this past year (and from now no.... alis volat propriis!!!!  I will fly again! I will soar and lead others to fly with me, but first I have to build up my strength. I think once I get going it might be a LONG flight so I better keep practicing. BRING IT ON 2014!

M.

The Epic Tale of a.... HIGH SCHOOL teacher???

Yup you read that correctly. I have accepted a position as a high school teacher. While it was once a plan of mine..... that plan seemed to be over a LONG time ago. Yes, I have been teaching for 7 years now. Yes, I have also been working with middle and high school youth for over 12 years. HOWEVER, I never really saw this path coming back into my life.

In my head I just thought I would work at a university as a professor. My days filled with advising, prepping classes, and working on research. That path MAY still be in my future, but I can't help but also see myself REALLY liking this new one.

I have always wanted to be a teacher. Ever since I was a kid, literally I would teaching my teddy bears (yes I WAS that kid). I LOVE helping my students get something they didn't see before. To see the world in a whole new way. This is an amazing opportunity to do some real good. Will it pay well...HA!  No one teaches for the money! Will it always be rainbow and puppies... NO. I am sure I will have days and students I want to run away from. Yet that would be true for any job. Regardless of the challenges that lay before me I am excited.

I know some of the people in my life will question if this is a good idea, but surprisingly MANY of the people in my life are supportive of this move. So many of my previous college students have messaged me saying they know I will be great for these kids. My fear is that these kids will not connect with me. Or will not care. I don't want to have my passion for teaching dwindle. Part of this will be on me however. I will need to keep on my toes and always think about HOW I am connecting with the classes. If I am excited and can help them SEE why this information or book is important, I MIGHT have a chance. All I can do is give it my best. That is, after all, what I will be asking of them.

So the plan will be to blog. Hopefully each week. We shall see how that goes. This will be a tale I will tell for ages I am sure. Either the year I nearly lost my mind or it will be the year that changed the direction of my life. WOW those are some extremes.  Who knows, maybe it will be boring, lol. I kinda doubt that. Well hold on, because the year kicks on on Tuesday. This weekend I will relax and try to ready myself.

Please pray for me!  ;)

What a differance a year makes...

This time last year I was working on my dissertation. Worried I would not find a job. My friends were not having to deal with major complications. And I was at camp as the Sr. High Director.

A year later... I am a doctor. DONE with school. I have a job. Many of my friends need whole new levels of support that I try my best to give. And for the 5th year in a row, I am back at camp in a whole new capacity and it is good.

I think I can say I have learned a few things of this past year, but mostly I have leaned a lot about myself.  I have often struggled to see who I am or be able to explain who I want to be. I could come up with things or descriptions of aspects of who I was but never could I see them as a whole. Today I see that a touch clearer. And I have to admit... I like who I am becoming. I think I am a good person. And while I am not the most popular, or the smartest. I know I am loved. I have good friends who I will always be there for and I trust they would be there for me. I have a hubby who even after 8 years still makes me giggle like a school girl and adores me so much that the idea of me leaving for camp for a week makes him come up with every excuse for why I have to stay. I LOVE what I do. I am a scholar. I am passionate. I am a NERD! But I am ok with it all.

I have many vices. I admit it. But isn't knowing half the battle. No one is perfect. And no one expects me to be perfect. So when I goof I can say, hey I goofed. But that is not always easy. But life is not easy.

I pray camp this week is great. Great kids, discussions, events, everything. But mostly I hope that I am able to connect with my kids as others have connected with me in my past years of camp. I know from first hand experience how important these camps can be and I love to be here.

I did it!

It has been a long time coming. But it is done. I am a doctor. I can't believe it.

A few weeks ago was the defense. Then came final revisions. Then printing, signing, and depositing. Now I just wait a few more days til graduation. In the mean time I get to try and have this all sink in.

My time at UWM is done. Teaching for 6 years, classes, meetings, all of it. I do have a job so I will continue teaching which is awesome. Not to mention the fact that I get to teach at a university that I love with people I respect and adore. I am so excited to be starting this new chapter in my career. But it doesn't yet seem real. I am having brief moments of giddiness and others of anxiety. I think, "don't I need to grade"... nope. "Oh I need to work on those ..." nope. I do have a few things I want to get out this summer but for a few weeks... I am taking time off. But if you have read any of my posts you might have figured out I am not that great at relaxing. I suffer from work related guilt. I always think that sitting around is bad but I have learned this past year that sometimes you NEED to have a day off. And that if you let your brain rest a bit each day you do better work in the end. So the goal for the future is to find balance. Some days yes work will dominate but I will need to keep seeking balance.

Not sure what this next will look like besides a lot of teaching and looking for another new job (since my current one is only a one year gig.)  But I am excited and hopeful. We will see how long this lasts.   

The end is almost here...

It has been 4 years since I started this journey and now I am almost done with my PhD. WHAT THE HECK! The dissertation is turned in I have lost 5 pounds in a week, who knew crying that much could make you loose weight. Needless to say it has been an arduous process. This week alone has been awful. We go from feeling pretty confidant, to thoroughly confused to pissed off, to feeling like there is no hope, back to pissed off, and finally more confidant than ever before. Did I mention that was just Monday - Thursday.

But in the end I feel more ready now than i have before. I know I can defend what I did and I will honestly say I am proud of the work I did. I love my dissertation. I love what I got to say in it. I still want to do more with it and with the interviews I conducted. I would do a lot differently but I know that. I now know that I can do this. I finally feel smart enough to have a PhD after my name. I still have work to do and I know my writing still has a lot of room to grow but I also know I have come a LONG way. My writing will never be perfect. I will always need my friends to proof things for me. I hope to work on this, and I know I need to. But progress has been made. Heck, I have not put any asses in my papers in a long time. IN other news I have a job. And while it is only a one year visiting job it is at the school I love and hope to be able to stay at for a while. I adore my students and I love how they challenge me. I have really found this past year how much I love teaching. And I think I am a good teacher (when i am not distracted by evil the dissertation process, or job hunting). Most of my students enjoy the classes I teach and I recognize that I will not be everyone's' favorite. I am not going to be able to reach every starfish, and I have to be OK with that. If I can make a difference to a few then I at least made a difference to them.

So as I sit here with my sweet cat on my lap I can't help but to think over the last four years. It has been one heck of a ride full of hard work, lots of tears, feeling like it would never end, but also a LOT of laughter with friends. I have made a few friends during this journey that I hope will never fade away. The have been my support, sanity (and cause for insanity at times), and have pushed me to see myself differently. I am so grateful for the support my hubby and friends have given me. I have been a pain in the ass, I know that, but they have stuck by my side. I love them all soo much for that. I still have the defense on Monday and lots of revisions to complete but the end is close. I can see a lot more light than dark now and that is a great feeling.

How did we get here....

Yesterday was my 31 birthday. And for the first time I was not very excited. In the beginning I thought it was because in comparison to other events coming this year this was small. I will graduate in Three months. My sister in law is getting married (and I love her and the soon to be brother in law). I might be moving. I might be starting a new job (if someone would ever call me). But then there are so many other issues that also dampened any excitement. Mostly it was the stress of finishing this dissertation, and trying to be a good teacher; but then there is the matter of not knowing what to say or do when you have a friend hurting. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago one of my dearest friends found out that her adviser was sick. A little time passes and we discover that she is not just sick but that she has Stage IV Lung cancer. And here is were the words fail me. My mother died of leukemia and that was the most painful thing I have ever had to watch or experience. Yet while watching a mother and having your adviser battle a similar monster may seem worlds apart there is something you must understand. I was nine when my mother died, and my friend has been working with her adviser for 8 years. And this relationship is vital to a PhD student. At this level we joke that your adviser is your academic parent. They help you find your research legs and teach you to walk down the halls of academia, they teach you how to speak the language. They mentor you, listen to you cry and laugh, and if you are lucky are there anytime you need them. Even when we are not sitting in the office with our advisers, like the lessons of our parents, they still have a voice in our heads. Always guiding us on what we need to do. But to be honest unless you have walked this path I am not sure anyone can understand.

I hurt for my friend. And I do what I can but the only thing I want to do is fix it. I am a fixer or at least I try and help come up with ways to rethink a situation. But how do you fix or reframe this? You can't, all you can do is say I am here for you.

The other moisture on my excitement is also the fact that I still have not heard anything about jobs. I have 8 applications still floating in the land of "will you like me" and have only received ONE out and out rejection letter. The other three I have gotten where "we hired someone else". Those I seem to be much easier to accept. The ones say "we will not even consider you"... hurt! But needless to say this waiting process is NOT fun and I am not doing that great with it. Here is what I know in my head to be true:
1. Everyone around me seems to think I have nothing to worry about.
2. The perfect job for me is out there somewhere, I might not what it is yet.
3. I have worked my butt of and should be proud of what I have accomplished (which I am)

BUT... it is hard not to worry. I am trying, I really am. I want to just find peace in the process and let it go. But for some reason I can't. I feel like a looser. I know I should not compare myself to others and where they are applying but to hear that other people (who you think (know) do not work as hard as you do) get interviews... it sucks. Yes I know they are not applying to the same types of schools, and yes I get that they have allies that have friends at other schools who might be getting them in. But the wait is driving me bonkers. But then I have to think... is there anything I can do about it.... NOPE! All I can do is wait and work on the things I do have control over. So that is what I try and do. Most days I am successful this past Monday... not so much.

So here we sit. Feeling as if we have very little control (a problem for a control freak). The world seems to be reminding me that it is funny to think we have any control. Because in the grand scheme of things... we really don't.

The Negitive Effects of Grad School

Today we have reached a new level. I have known that grad school was bad for your health in a number of ways however i never would have guessed that it can also be bad for your pet's health as well. Let me explain. Yup time for another list.




Top 10 reasons grad school is hazardous to your (or your cat's) health

10. Your eyesight will diminish. I am told I am one prescription away from needing bifocals. (guess who has not been to the eye doctor in two years....).

9. Healthy Eating habits... out the window. I have regained a little bit of this. But I have still gained a lot of weight. My Doc asks me why and I just look at him and say... stupid grad school.

8. Somedays you are too busy to shower. Or just forget. Thank God for body spray and dry shampoo!

7. Time to work out, do yoga, GONE. Which does not help combat the levels of coffee and other crap you ingest at 2:00am.

6. Sleep... HA! Now I am good about sleeping because I am a mean zombie when I am sleep deprived. I would make the wost zombie from the Walking Dead look like a kitten. SO to spare the wold I get at least 5 hours a sleep a night. You're welcome.

5. Drinking the vats of coffee everyday has made my stomach hate me. Good thing I like tea and can still manage to have one cup of coffee in the morning or the zombification would also occur. Again... you're welcome.

4.Nearly every semester, once the semester is over, you will get sick. I did pretty good this last term but every other one... bed ridden for a few days.

3. Once upon a time I had a social life. Full of friends and supportive people. But then I went to grad school. No time for hanging out, no one wants to talk about your projects all day long and you forget how to socialize with non academic folk. SO soon... you are left with a FEW friends who are sent from heaven and understand that you cannot call them from Sept. - December and Feb. - May.

2. Due to the stress one feels additional relationships will also suffer. Husbands will commonly be sexually ignored, yelled at for reasons they do not understand, and cried on at a moments notice. I am the luckiest girl in the world that I husband has not left me but I wouldn't have blamed him if he wanted to. I might have left myself if I knew how.

And finally....

1. Your stress level can get soo high that it not only effects you and those who have to see you.. but if it gets high enough your poor cat may have to be put on kitty prozac to help them cope. So wish I was kidding. My sweet furry baby has been having some behavior issues and the only thing left to try is kitty prozac to help her anxiety. My stress has driven my cat looney.

So if you are reading this and still think ooh grad school will be fun. Run to your local mental hospital and check yourself in. It will be pretty close to grad school and you will not have to pay as much.

These are a few of my favorite things

After finishing yet another pile of grading I treated myself to a fresh molasses cookie. It had been years since I had had one but I knew I just had to this year. And now that I did... I think this will be a new annual cookie. I love the chewy texture and the warmth of the ginger and sweetness of the molasses. But more than anything it takes me back to fond memories of my childhood. As I have mentioned before I do not have many memories of my childhood but I seem to have a number of ones surrounding Christmas. So since I am sitting here thinking through so many of them I thought I should write them down.

1. Making cookies with my mom. She taught me that eating cookie dough was awesome. (now we know that is a no no... but I still eat a little).

2. Grandpa's Molasses cookies. Always a favorite and takes me back to my childhood with one bite.

3. Watching A Christmas Story with my family. I still watch this movie MANY times from Nov. to January. I simply can't turn it off.

4. Driving around a looking at Christmas lights. I still remember being about 5 or 6 and my parents driving us all over the place looking at the lights and then coming home to see Santa had arrived. Still not sure how they worked that one.

5. Favorite Christmas gifts.... Cricket Doll (she talked and had tons of outfits. Now I think she was kinda creepy). ALF stuffed animal (my grandfather and I would watch that show all the time and he got me the stuffed ALF. I would give anything to have that again.). My first Li Bien Ornament (these are super cool glass ornaments that are painted from the inside with tiny brushes. My Grandma Campbell got me my first one and now I get one for my Mother in Law and SIL every year.). My Audrey Hepburn collection. (My hubby has found 13 of my favorite person's movies. LOVE Audrey so much, and I love Derek for always finding me new ones).

I am sure there are a few more but these are a good start. I love this time of year and it always makes me grateful. I take time to sit in the quiet of the night look at my Christmas tree and just enjoy the peace and stillness. I have soo much to be grateful for and I know I have lots more ahead of me. But for tonight... nothing else matters. Just my family, my memories, and the love I have been blessed with.

Through the looking glass and back!

WOW where has the time gone. This semester and PhD journey has been passing by so quickly I hardly remember to eat let along document the experience.

But as this semester rushes to a finish I have to step back and think. WOW. We have all come so far. I know I look back at who I was when I began this program and never in a million years did I think I would evolve the way I have. Not only my writing, but the way I think about things. This has been such an experience. But the ride is not over.

Many job applications are in. I was able to meet with a few people at NCA. And now we wait! I hate waiting. To much time for my head to ruminate. To many doors are open inviting self doubt to creep in. My peers see a confident version of me and I just can't see it. I feel as if my looking glass shows me one version and something else to everyone around me. Don't get me wrong I am proud of the work I have done and I am able to see I have done a lot! I would be a fool not to see that I have come a long way. But I just can't see what everyone else seems to see. But this seems to be the case my whole life.

For now I work on the dissertation that I do LOVE. She is a jaberwocky beast, but right now I have made friends with her.

Time flies when you are finding your way.

I have always used the metaphor of my life being a labyrinth. There is a goal, a castle, that I am fighting to find my way towards. Characters that come in and out of the story. Some intending to help, while others are simply there to distract and lead us back to the beginning. We each have choices to make, doors to pick from, and sometimes we pick correctly and think to ourselves man this is a piece of cake. But then... we look at the clock and see that we have less time then planned and still have miles to go.

I love this metaphor and find it fitting for the experience of working towards this PhD. I am now in the final year of this program and I see the castle in front of me. It is bigger then I thought it would be but I cannot quite make out the name or land for which it exists. In other words I am now applying for jobs but I have no clue where I end up or what state I will be living in. For me this is the scariest part of the journey. Prior to this I had my cohort for companionship, but many of them are lost in their own worlds slaying dragons (advisers or proposals) and trying to find their own path. For none of us will share the same trail. It would be great if we did, however we each have a unique goal to achieve. And each of us will get there at our own time.

This final stretch of the maze is also terrifying because before we enter the gates of the castle we have to find all of the doors. I have found many but I have not yet found anyone to offer me a key to see if I fit in the door. I hope to have at least one key but what if I receive a keyring full of them. In the end you must only pick one door to walk through. One job to take. However if I do take the wrong job it is not like I will be eaten by some three headed animal, but I might fall into a dark pit of despair.

Yet still we walk the path. I write chapters and try to keep an eye out for more doors and opportunities. From time to time I am able to meet up with my companions for a brief stretch. Luckily I am not alone. I do have my partner and support. My husband has been so great. Sometimes he acts like a fool but in the end in the times when I cannot walk another step he rests with me or carries me until it is safe to rest.

It has been a long journey and I know that in the end this will not be the last castle I seek. I feel I have many more labyrinths to concur. However once I defeat this one.... I feel I will have a bit more confidence. That is if the jabberwocky does not destroy me first.

People Change... God knows I did!

A few years ago I posted blogs about being excited and scared. I remember the days when I didn't think I was smart enough to do any of this. I was not smart enough to get a PhD. I was not talented enough to direct youth programs. And I had no idea I would be trusted to do the work I do with my HIV clients. But here I am... Kristi was right. My life would change.

Let me explain.

Once upon a time a scared girl found out she was going to go to grad school. The previous year she had thought she knew what track she would be taking. But all this changed when she took a persuasion class. Another class challenged her to think about what it was that she looked for in a career and in life. Upon further exploration it became clear, she LOVED to teach and to learn. Clearly her path was only beginning.

When I found out I got in to my MA program I remember asking two of my mentors, "do you really think I am smart enough to do this?" I was not fishing, I was truly worried I was not going to be. One of them told me it was not about being smart enough, that was never a question, the true test was the determination and motivation. She told me that I had more of both in my pinky toe then most people she had taught. Another mentor told me a similar tale but what I remember the most of her conversation was that she warned me I would change. I would not be the same girl who would leave that school.

Five years, an MA, and 3 years of a PhD later... man was she right. I am not the same girl. Heck, I'm not sure I am the same girl I was a year ago. I sit here tonight with a clear head, confident that I am on the right track. Am I stressed... HA you know the answer to that. Do I hate grad school sometimes...um...I think you know the answer to that as well. But do I still worry I'm not smart enough... Not any more. I found my confidence. Well... I found it in my field.

When it comes to Health Communication, HIV, or STD prevention stuff. I am your girl. I am methodologically promiscuous (or as a few friends call me a methods hooker!) I LOVE mixing methods but I am truly a qualitative jr. scholar. I still have a lot to learn, and I am not sure I will ever really feel like I have learned enough. But I am beginning to think that maybe that is whole drive for life. If I ever thought I knew it all... I would get board. This way... something is always keeping me on my toes.

I am sure this all sounds cheesy and maybe it is. But this is a very rare feeling for me. And I hope that maybe if anyone else is reading this that it might help them have hope that things can change. My dad always told me I could do anything I wanted as long as I followed what I was passionate about. I didn't always know what really drove me but I was smart enough to see glimmers of it in classes I took or jobs I had. We all have things we truly love to do, the question is simply are you willing to go for them. It has been a LONG and HARD road. I am not even done but I have changed. I am still a bit scared about this up coming year and what it will hold but... I have faith and a new found confidence.

I like the changes so far... and right now... I am looking forward to the next ones.

And it all becomes too real.

As I have mentioned in past posts I LOVE what I research. SO much so that in my free time (used loosely) I volunteer at an HIV clinic. As part of this work I test for HIV, counsel HIV clients including giving both negative and positive results. Negative results are often fun filled with smiles and sometimes hugs. Yet positives are tough. This weekend especially was really tough. Every year I volunteer at a PRIDE festival where we test hundreds of people. This year... almost 500 in three days. In the process 6 positive cases were identified. Thus, thanks to a background in communication and being the clinic's state contact for new infections, I had the task of telling each of these people that they might have HIV. Some where not surprised, others were shocked, and one.... fell into my arms in tears.

While many of my clients stories are imprinted into my head, and heart, this is one that I am sure I will never forget. A few years older then me and scared to death. Terrified that he would die before repairing a 16 year feud with his parents. Scared he would have no one to turn to, and confused as to how a man who has only had two partners could contract HIV. It breaks my heart. He was convinced that I had given him a death sentence. Which is not at all the case. Would his life be forever changed, yes. But with today's treatments he will happily live for a very long time.

Needless to say I do love what I do and I am so grateful that I am in a place where I can help people, but man it just sucks the life out of you. I am so happy the clinic is closed the next two days. I need a week off, that is for sure. But my work with these clients is not done. Next will be check in phone calls to see how they are holding up and to remind them that they have support. Then meetings next week when we get the confirmatory tests back and we know for sure it's HIV and how far we are. Then a week later we have contact again to make sure the first doctors appointment were made. All of these for the 7 newest clients (one occurred before the festival even started.)

This career is one that I am grateful for. One that, while it breaks my heart sometimes, gives me so much joy to know that I am able to see the work I do make a small difference. Most of the people I met this past weekend, I know I might never see again. But the few people that took a moment to tell me that they appreciated knowing I cared enough to answer a bunch of questions really means a lot to me. OH and to end on a happier note. Check this out. On Sat. we were closing up for the night and a handful of high school kids come up to ask if they could make a donation. I say OF COURSE and run to the back of the tent to get the box. They continue to tell me they did a bake sale for the clinic and raised $90.00. I was SOOOO excited. These moments make all the hard ones... melt a little.

Today might have been a bit hard, but I will be forever grateful that I get to touch so many lives. I am very blessed.