It has been 4 years since I started this journey and now I am almost done with my PhD. WHAT THE HECK! The dissertation is turned in I have lost 5 pounds in a week, who knew crying that much could make you loose weight. Needless to say it has been an arduous process. This week alone has been awful. We go from feeling pretty confidant, to thoroughly confused to pissed off, to feeling like there is no hope, back to pissed off, and finally more confidant than ever before. Did I mention that was just Monday - Thursday.But in the end I feel more ready now than i have before. I know I can defend what I did and I will honestly say I am proud of the work I did. I love my dissertation. I love what I got to say in it. I still want to do more with it and with the interviews I conducted. I would do a lot differently but I know that. I now know that I can do this. I finally feel smart enough to have a PhD after my name. I still have work to do and I know my writing still has a lot of room to grow but I also know I have come a LONG way. My writing will never be perfect. I will always need my friends to proof things for me. I hope to work on this, and I know I need to. But progress has been made. Heck, I have not put any asses in my papers in a long time. IN other news I have a job. And while it is only a one year visiting job it is at the school I love and hope to be able to stay at for a while. I adore my students and I love how they challenge me. I have really found this past year how much I love teaching. And I think I am a good teacher (when i am not distracted by evil the dissertation process, or job hunting). Most of my students enjoy the classes I teach and I recognize that I will not be everyone's' favorite. I am not going to be able to reach every starfish, and I have to be OK with that. If I can make a difference to a few then I at least made a difference to them.
So as I sit here with my sweet cat on my lap I can't help but to think over the last four years. It has been one heck of a ride full of hard work, lots of tears, feeling like it would never end, but also a LOT of laughter with friends. I have made a few friends during this journey that I hope will never fade away. The have been my support, sanity (and cause for insanity at times), and have pushed me to see myself differently. I am so grateful for the support my hubby and friends have given me. I have been a pain in the ass, I know that, but they have stuck by my side. I love them all soo much for that. I still have the defense on Monday and lots of revisions to complete but the end is close. I can see a lot more light than dark now and that is a great feeling.
