I have survived! I am officially no longer a high school teacher. Although I did discover I could in fact be a great English teacher (a HUGE SHOCK TO ME!) I am not sure I was given the patients to do it. What I do want to do is devote my time and talent for teaching at the college level. I keep reading blogs and articles about how "bad" college students are and I have to wonder if this idea is simply because we have too many people in academia who are not really dedicated to the craft of teaching. I say this from observation. I know MANY people who got their PhD not because they wanted to teach, but because they wanted to research. Or worse they didn't know what else to do, so they kept going to school.
I on the other hand have ALWAYS wanted to teach. Its who I am. Teaching is not easy. You MUST be able to be flexible. You must think about how to best meet your students where they are. I agree high schools and grade schools are no longer preparing kids for college. BUT, I also know that this has very little to do with the teachers. Yes some teachers suck. The bigger issue however is the amount of bureaucracy that is getting in the way of teachers.
I love the idea of common core standards. Yet HATE the crazy level of testing those kids have to go through. They are not taught to think, they are taught to master short term memorization for a test. This does not help anyone. College professors need to see that the basics might be there, but it will be our job to teach them to think. From what I have seen, students DO want to be challenged. They DO want to apply knowledge and see how things work. Up until now they have not really had that chance to apply ideas, because schools are not encouraged to teach those skills to students. Sure application is on the CCS (common core standards) yet teachers know that this skill is not really applicable on an online multiple choice test. So they teach the test. This breaks my heart, but at the same time it ignites a passion to keep going.
One day I want to do something big. I want to be in a position where I can rupture the school system. I am not sure HOW to do it. Not even sure where to start. But that doesn't matter, I will keep looking. I will keep thinking about these issues. I will keep fighting for the job that will provide the security that I can focus more attention to this. Suddenly all my previous experience seems to make sense. The work I have done on social justice issues. The year I just finished working in a high school. The years of working with and mentoring youth. I desire to work at a university that values teaching and community. I see the path. Now I just need to be let our of this cage, and let free to DO something.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Seasons of Change
Oh how times have changed, yet stayed the same. It was this time last year that I felt completely unsure of who I was. My job was given to someone else, I had no job prospects, and had lost my sense of self. Today, I still don't have "the job" locked up, but I am closer. Over the coarse of the year I have cried, laughed, worried, and some how found new hope.
What amazes me the most is the fact that even two years after grad school I am still "recovering". I remember people telling me that you know you are "successful when you cannot hold a normal conversation", but i didn't realize just how HORRIBLE a measure of success that is. I knew grad school would change me, but I never knew how much. I knew I would see the world differently. I knew I would grow as a person. Yet I never thought it would cause some of the damage it did. Let me elaborate.
When I started grad school, and really even before I started, I worried A LOT that I was not smart enough. I was never really told that I was smart growing up. In fact I was held back in first grade because I "had a learning disability". Few years later I am not "learning disabled", instead they tell me I'm "gifted". HA! Funny how that all works. The problem is when you tell a kid they are slow for a number of years it's hard to ever shake that voice. So grad school becomes a cesspool of comparison and feeling that at any moment you will be found out (it's called imposter syndrom. Didn't find that out until the last year. That would have been good to know). Two years after graduating with my PhD I have FINALLY rid myself of that idea. I have found the ability to see that I do have great ideas and have the ability to do great things. I just have to advocate for myself and find my path.
I went to grad school because I wanted to teach at the college level. I LOVE teaching. Yet, part of grad school is research, and for me it was not long before I also found a love for research. Coined by a few friends my "research highs" are both thrilling and scary. I can get so drawn into what I am doing that the entire world seems to stop moving. Then it speeds up and I can't move fast enough. I LOVE those moments. The problem is that in academia research has restrictions. It only counts if it is in the "right" journals and focuses on theory. I was told early on "You will never find a job as an applied scholar". Here's my issue with that mentality... the work I want to do needs to be USED! I want to help rupture perceptions of risk. I can't accomplish anything if the only people reading my work are professors. I need to publish in journals that might be read by people who can use it. I am an applied scholar. I want to apply the theories that we use in communication. I value them and want to help organizations and community health organizers understand how to reach the communication goals they have.
Knowing that to do what I loved required a PhD I did my best to learn and prepare as much as I could. I even started thinking about the job path in my masters program. I had a plan. I had goals. I met them all. Yet two years and a seven page CV later I have have four campus visits and four "silver medals". People look at my materials and are "so impressed". I am told I have enough publications to already have tenure. I am told I am FANTASTIC during the interview. Yet still no job! I know I'm not alone. I am told many people are in the same boat. So how does one get to their destination? No one seems to have any useful advice. Well that is besides... DON"T adjunct.
I'm told you should do anything but don't become "just" an Adjunct. Yeah.... so I agree adjuncting pays HORRIBLY, and you have no stability. No it's not what I want forever, yet the alternatives.... are not really an option. I tried teaching high school. After all that is what everyone says you should do if you don't land a college job. Although I am told I am actually really good at it, I was miserable MOST of the time. What I loved.... was the stuff I would be doing with my college kids. The mentoring, helping them think about career paths, lesson planning, and mediating discussion (which RARELY happens at the HS level). I can do that in a full time job or by adjunting. The advantage to not being locked in a full time gig.... I can research what ever I want.
It's all part of this path, yet no one seems to talk about it. I have to wonder how much of this is new with the "current market horrors". I wonder how long this will last.
This said... I still have hope. They say the college path is NOT easy, the rejection we receive hits deeper than almost any other. You have to be determined. I am. I will achieve this goal. I know that I am a great teacher, it is my gift and passion. I know that the research I want to do could be great. I just need a chance to do it.
This year has taught me sooo much. I see sooo many things about myself, the world of academics and that world as a whole differently. It was painful, but I have grown.
What amazes me the most is the fact that even two years after grad school I am still "recovering". I remember people telling me that you know you are "successful when you cannot hold a normal conversation", but i didn't realize just how HORRIBLE a measure of success that is. I knew grad school would change me, but I never knew how much. I knew I would see the world differently. I knew I would grow as a person. Yet I never thought it would cause some of the damage it did. Let me elaborate.
When I started grad school, and really even before I started, I worried A LOT that I was not smart enough. I was never really told that I was smart growing up. In fact I was held back in first grade because I "had a learning disability". Few years later I am not "learning disabled", instead they tell me I'm "gifted". HA! Funny how that all works. The problem is when you tell a kid they are slow for a number of years it's hard to ever shake that voice. So grad school becomes a cesspool of comparison and feeling that at any moment you will be found out (it's called imposter syndrom. Didn't find that out until the last year. That would have been good to know). Two years after graduating with my PhD I have FINALLY rid myself of that idea. I have found the ability to see that I do have great ideas and have the ability to do great things. I just have to advocate for myself and find my path.
I went to grad school because I wanted to teach at the college level. I LOVE teaching. Yet, part of grad school is research, and for me it was not long before I also found a love for research. Coined by a few friends my "research highs" are both thrilling and scary. I can get so drawn into what I am doing that the entire world seems to stop moving. Then it speeds up and I can't move fast enough. I LOVE those moments. The problem is that in academia research has restrictions. It only counts if it is in the "right" journals and focuses on theory. I was told early on "You will never find a job as an applied scholar". Here's my issue with that mentality... the work I want to do needs to be USED! I want to help rupture perceptions of risk. I can't accomplish anything if the only people reading my work are professors. I need to publish in journals that might be read by people who can use it. I am an applied scholar. I want to apply the theories that we use in communication. I value them and want to help organizations and community health organizers understand how to reach the communication goals they have.
Knowing that to do what I loved required a PhD I did my best to learn and prepare as much as I could. I even started thinking about the job path in my masters program. I had a plan. I had goals. I met them all. Yet two years and a seven page CV later I have have four campus visits and four "silver medals". People look at my materials and are "so impressed". I am told I have enough publications to already have tenure. I am told I am FANTASTIC during the interview. Yet still no job! I know I'm not alone. I am told many people are in the same boat. So how does one get to their destination? No one seems to have any useful advice. Well that is besides... DON"T adjunct.
I'm told you should do anything but don't become "just" an Adjunct. Yeah.... so I agree adjuncting pays HORRIBLY, and you have no stability. No it's not what I want forever, yet the alternatives.... are not really an option. I tried teaching high school. After all that is what everyone says you should do if you don't land a college job. Although I am told I am actually really good at it, I was miserable MOST of the time. What I loved.... was the stuff I would be doing with my college kids. The mentoring, helping them think about career paths, lesson planning, and mediating discussion (which RARELY happens at the HS level). I can do that in a full time job or by adjunting. The advantage to not being locked in a full time gig.... I can research what ever I want.
It's all part of this path, yet no one seems to talk about it. I have to wonder how much of this is new with the "current market horrors". I wonder how long this will last.
This said... I still have hope. They say the college path is NOT easy, the rejection we receive hits deeper than almost any other. You have to be determined. I am. I will achieve this goal. I know that I am a great teacher, it is my gift and passion. I know that the research I want to do could be great. I just need a chance to do it.
This year has taught me sooo much. I see sooo many things about myself, the world of academics and that world as a whole differently. It was painful, but I have grown.
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