Yesterday was my 31 birthday. And for the first time I was not very excited. In the beginning I thought it was because in comparison to other events coming this year this was small. I will graduate in Three months. My sister in law is getting married (and I love her and the soon to be brother in law). I might be moving. I might be starting a new job (if someone would ever call me). But then there are so many other issues that also dampened any excitement. Mostly it was the stress of finishing this dissertation, and trying to be a good teacher; but then there is the matter of not knowing what to say or do when you have a friend hurting. Let me explain.
A few weeks ago one of my dearest friends found out that her adviser was sick. A little time passes and we discover that she is not just sick but that she has Stage IV Lung cancer. And here is were the words fail me. My mother died of leukemia and that was the most painful thing I have ever had to watch or experience. Yet while watching a mother and having your adviser battle a similar monster may seem worlds apart there is something you must understand. I was nine when my mother died, and my friend has been working with her adviser for 8 years. And this relationship is vital to a PhD student. At this level we joke that your adviser is your academic parent. They help you find your research legs and teach you to walk down the halls of academia, they teach you how to speak the language. They mentor you, listen to you cry and laugh, and if you are lucky are there anytime you need them. Even when we are not sitting in the office with our advisers, like the lessons of our parents, they still have a voice in our heads. Always guiding us on what we need to do. But to be honest unless you have walked this path I am not sure anyone can understand.
I hurt for my friend. And I do what I can but the only thing I want to do is fix it. I am a fixer or at least I try and help come up with ways to rethink a situation. But how do you fix or reframe this? You can't, all you can do is say I am here for you.
The other moisture on my excitement is also the fact that I still have not heard anything about jobs. I have 8 applications still floating in the land of "will you like me" and have only received ONE out and out rejection letter. The other three I have gotten where "we hired someone else". Those I seem to be much easier to accept. The ones say "we will not even consider you"... hurt! But needless to say this waiting process is NOT fun and I am not doing that great with it. Here is what I know in my head to be true:
1. Everyone around me seems to think I have nothing to worry about.
2. The perfect job for me is out there somewhere, I might not what it is yet.
3. I have worked my butt of and should be proud of what I have accomplished (which I am)
BUT... it is hard not to worry. I am trying, I really am. I want to just find peace in the process and let it go. But for some reason I can't. I feel like a looser. I know I should not compare myself to others and where they are applying but to hear that other people (who you think (know) do not work as hard as you do) get interviews... it sucks. Yes I know they are not applying to the same types of schools, and yes I get that they have allies that have friends at other schools who might be getting them in. But the wait is driving me bonkers. But then I have to think... is there anything I can do about it.... NOPE! All I can do is wait and work on the things I do have control over. So that is what I try and do. Most days I am successful this past Monday... not so much.
So here we sit. Feeling as if we have very little control (a problem for a control freak). The world seems to be reminding me that it is funny to think we have any control. Because in the grand scheme of things... we really don't.
