I started this year with the resolution that I would not let fear paralyze me anymore. For the most part I have to say this has been probably my only successful resolution. Yet one area I still need work on is to find my moxie (PS I simply adore the word moxie). In my head I am full of moxie, but in my actions... not always. This is where the quote comes in to play. I worry to much about what others think. Which is so odd to admit given that I am pretty known for being able to say what I think and always challenging ideas. But it is in the small things that my moxie begins to wane, which i guess could be better then having it for the small but not when it really matters.
In my last post I mentioned that I was feeling different these days and I guess this is just part of it. Maybe this is narcissistic but sometimes we need to turn the mirror around and see if we still like who we are, and I do. Yes, as my mother and Dr. like to remind me (as if I didn't already know this) I need to loose weight) but I am a grad student I would LOVE for someone to tell me when I can work out. I would love to but WHEN? Anyway I digress, besides the 20 or so pounds I would like to loose, i really do like who I have become. I have embraced the fact that I am a nerd, I love the work that I do (both in research and teaching, as well as the volunteer work - HIV clinic and youth group stuff) I love the hubby and my kittens and I very much look forward to having a family of my very own (in time I know, but I am eager!).
I seem to be too eager sometimes. I am a jumper. When I was a kid I was about three when I decided I needed to learn to swim and it would NOT be with the assistance of the little arm wing things they put on kids back then (which we have no found are not very good for anything anyway). So I took them off and jumped into the water. Scared the crap out of my mom and my dad had to jumped in to save me. But since then I have continued to JUMP into things, i guess i never learned my lesson. I enjoy loving like I will never get hurt, and dancing like no one is watching.
When it comes to my work.. yeah I am a bit of a workaholic. I try and give it my all. The best example is the grant i recently went for. I dedicated an entire summer to working on this thing and last week I found out it is unlikely I will get it. Yes the possibility is still there... but it is slim. And while I am sad that I didn't met my own expectation I have realized that in the end no matter what happens I am glad I jumped. I now have a very clear direction for the next year and half of research. I have the experience of what it is like to write a major grant and I have grown from the experience.
Yet what I have learned more then anything (and I didn't figure out until now) is that sometimes.. growth fucking hurts. When we are kids growing was physically painful, I remember. But as adults it is also painful. We hurt as professors tear our work apart all in the name of the growth of our mind and the "thicker skin" we will need in the future. As we love and have our heart broken we grow and become who we are. I think that might be the difference between those that become broken maybe the growth hurt too much and they just snap. Lord knows when my first mom passed away when I was a kid I thought I would NEVER get over that pain and it still hurts sometimes but I have grown a great deal from that experience.
In then end I guess it all comes to not having regrets. I do not regret going for the grant i am glad I did it and if I get feedback that I can fix something and try it again... I will. But if the things they mention are out of my control... I will be ok with that. I am a believer that somethings happen for a reason. We don't always know what those reasons are (which is VERY frustrating for the control freak in me) but the free spirited three year old who just likes to jump and think later... she is ok with the growing pains. I think she has my moxie... and maybe I need to start listening to her just a bit more!
